The Ravenloft Chronicles- Shit Storm: Book One, Chapter Six

Here There Be Dragons

Dramatis Personae:
Kithri "Quickshadow" Tealeaf, the Lightfoot Halfling Werebat Order of the Lycan Blood Hunter and Ruin Raider
Tilea Aervavil'A'Sum, the Wild Elf Circle of the Moon Druid Barbarian
Scritch, Tilea's Squirrel Animal Companion
Sachi Kno, the Vistani Weremonkey Thief
Forgrotken Anvilrocker, the Blugrim Forge Cleric of Moradin
Belmont Von Richter, the mysterious Human who tends to show up just in the nick of time
Lythana, the Human Werewolf Order of the Ghost Slayer Blood Hunter
Tabitha Marie Lennox, the Human White Witch of Mystra
Nikko, Tabitha's Flying Monkey familiar

Comrades we have lost:
Pineck, Anvil's Horse- turned into soup by a cursed crate

NOTE: Things will be mostly from Kithri's perspective, switching later to Tabitha's, anything in italics is from a third party view, since they can't be everywhere at once. 

***** Hetedik Honap 9, CY 735, Krezk

       I spent a lovely morning in my private rooms, searching through Lythana's books for something- anything- that would help lift my curse. I eventually came upon some sort of ritual, but there weren't enough details for me to go on.

       My studies were interrupted around noon, when we were taken to the Abbey of Saint Markovia. The bloody door wouldn't open until everyone had arrived, which was just damned annoying, but once we were all there it opened on its own. Inside were several elders with the church, along with Belmont and Lythana. Belmont told us we could speak freely in here, so Sachi immediately began singing "consecrate" and Anvil asked for a consecrated weapon- again.

       Once they were done being stupid, Belmont told us that since we kept kicking the bloody hornet's nest, they were going to have to induct us into the Resistance against Strahd. Anvil said Strahd looked squishy and easy to hurt, so Belmont challenged him to give him a mere taste of what we're up against. He brought Anvil to his knees instantly. Belmont said that being in the Resistance meant we had to have synergy and be equal in power, so Sachi challenged him to a fucking race... I hate these arseholes sometimes. Okay, fine, most of the time.

      Sachi was indeed faster than Belmont, no surprise there, but Belmont was able to grab him anyway. As Belmont's arm swung back to punch the monkey, Tilea grabbed his arm with a vine whip. Belmont proceeded to grab Tilea with his own whip and slam her into Sachi. For a moment, it looked like Sachi would just stop, he even said he'd learned his lesson, but then the idiot attacked Belmont again. Belmont snared him in his whip, but fumbled a little, allowing Sachi to break free. Tilea shifted into an enormous beetle of some kind... Then Anvil dumped water on the three of them and told them to cool it.

       Belmont's eyes flashed for a moment, and he yelled "the darkness will never stop, and neither will I!" Then he threw Anvil into Tilea. I didn't feel a need to get involved in this, it wasn't a required test or anything, so I drank tea and watched them get their arses handed to them. Belmont did something to Anvil and Sachi that made them confused, then he did some sort of mass attack against all of us- hurting me badly.

       Eventually we were done with this nonsense and we moved on to the initiations. Tilea went first, and was stabbed in both palms, then she made an oath that she would not leave Barovia until Strahd was killed. Sachi and Anvil did the same, but then we got to me. I told Belmont I could not make this oath, because if I found a way to go home I was taking it, period. My oath was if they helped me go home, I would become the Archivist for the Resistance; something I would love to do, and it allowed me to make an oath I knew I'd keep.

       After our initiation, Belmont told us that the Sun Sword- the original one- was hidden somewhere in Barovia, and there was a scroll that had more information on it, but it was currently in Strahd's possession. The Resistance wanted us to search the Village for it, we said we'd leave first thing in the morning.

***** Hetedik Honap 10, Krezk

       We met up just before dawn and started our trek back to the Village of Barovia. After a couple hours, we came across a group of Vistani who had a flask that Anvil insisted was magic. They tossed it to me to identify, but it was a shitty throw, and the flask hit the ground, its contents spilling out. Sachi snatched it up and began chugging; the bloody thing was cursed, of course.

       A little later, Lythana, Anvil, and Tilea said they thought something was watching us. Then Til said something was wrong with Syn, that the amulet didn't seem to be working and she wasn't responding. I realized the flow of magic was wonky and it was coming from the bad ring of mind shielding that had temporarily booted Syn out of the amulet. To make things even stranger, Sachi began vomiting shit... We stuck the ring in a bag of holding, but it didn't fix the issue. Anvil tried to remove the curse, but instead he began puking shit too. Sachi had taken the empty bag of holding and was puking into it instead. These boys are so bloody disgusting sometimes. Tilea destroyed the ring, and the spirit within it escaped; we don't know where the Hells it went, but after an hour the boys were able to speak again.

       It still felt like something was watching us; almost as if the sky itself was watching us. It was bloody creepy.

       Around noon the others watched to stop in Vallaki for lunch, which was a bad idea, but we were able to get in with no issue, which worried me. Lythana took us to a seedy looking bar where she said we'd be safe enough to rest for a meal. Sachi wanted to set a trap for the Guard Captain, just to fuck with him, which I thought was a fucking stupid idea, but the monkey ignored me. While the rest of us ate, Sachi went shopping, and apparently fucked an old lady for a discount. That monkey is fucking weird.

       When we were done, Sachi and Lythana set up a trap with the shit filled bag of holding for the Captain, while Tilea, Anvil, and I went back to the city gate to wait for them. Not long after we got to the gate, we heard a bell clanging and saw Lythana running toward us. She stopped and began beating on the guards until the Captain showed up... Sachi dumped that entire bag of holding right on top of the poor bastard, and it went right in the bloke's mouth this time. It was fucking hilarious, and disgusting.

       Once they were done with that shit, we continued on our way, and eventually it was time to make camp. We spent a bloody ridiculous amount of time arguing over where we should camp for the night, it was a stupid and pointless argument, but that seems to be the theme with these arseholes.

***** Hetedik Honap 11, Svalich Woods

       Anvil and Tilea really wanted to go to the Old Bonegrinder in the morning. Apparently they ground up the bones of children and cooked them into little cake. I didn't think we were properly equipped to take on a bunch of baby cooking hags at the moment, but the others insisted, so I reluctantly agreed to go with them.

       On our way we came across a Vistani merchant caravan, where we bought 50 pounds of salt and 50 gallons of holy water. I didn't think that would help us much, but whatever.

       There was a huge line at the Bonegrinder of people waiting for their Dream Cakes, so Tilea wanted to make it look like a delivery. The problem was they were fucking stupid, and people in line started accusing us of cutting. I just... I couldn't take anymore of this stupidity. I blew up at those idiots and went to see Belmont about getting home.

***** Tabitha

       I was in the line at the Old Bonegrinder to get my Dream Cakes, when I saw Lythana and a few buffoons walking up the line with what looked like ingredients. As I prepared to call out to my dear friend, the halfling with her started yelling and stormed off. I had Nikko hold my place in line while I went to see what Lythana was up to; she's much more intelligent than that. She told me these people were the Saviors of Barovia, which was honestly a little hard to believe, but I believed her. I called Nikko over to me, I had much to catch up on with my friend, so I wouldn't be getting my Dream Cakes today.

       When we arrived at the gates to the Village of Barovia, the Wives of Talmot were waiting for us. Of course they attacked instantly, and after a few moments, a woman appeared who looked like Agatha, my evil twin, if Aggie had our natural hair and eye colors; but her pact turned her hair as dark as her soul. This woman, Not-Agatha, attacked Tilea. I shot a witch bolt at Not-Agatha, and Tilea shifted into something weird and began beating on her. After exchanging blows a bit more, Sarah did something to try to drop Tilea out of her beast form, but Tilea reflected it back at her, and she turned into a fucking black dragon! This was not good...

       Not-Agatha shot something at Tilea, which she reflected back, and then Not-Agatha reflected it back, then Tilea reflected it back, and Not-Agatha returned it again. As Tilea reflected it back yet again, I called out a blessing to her to aid her in this strike. It didn't hit Not-Agatha, but it didn't bounce back again. Clarah went for Tilea next, but she couldn't land a blow. Apparently Tilea was the primary target for them, probably because of her druidic power. Lythana screamed "run" and charged Sarah.

       I swooped down on my broom and healed Tilea, then swooped back into the air to keep an eye on the others and get them out alive. Tarah shot at Anvil, and Tilea summoned a swarm of wharflings to attack her; then she went after Sachi and Scritch. Sachi ran into the Village screaming "dragon," panicking the villagers. Lythana was parrying Sarah's attacks with ease, and I hoped she'd be able to hold out until we could grab her.

       Farrah grabbed Anvil with her whip, then Not-Agatha shot something at him and vanished. Clarah joined in the assault on him. He managed to hit Clarah hard and tangled the two of them in Farrah's whip. I polymorphed him into a giant eagle so he could fly over the wall, but he paused to give Lythana a boon, and didn't make it to the wall quickly enough. Tarah, Farrah, and Clarah all went at him, killing him quickly.

       Lythana was bound up by Sarah, and I tried to open a dimensional door under her to get her, but Not-Agatha countered my magic twice, and I did not have enough magical energy to try a third time. I had to save my friend somehow.

All maps from the "Curse of Strahd" Adventure Module by Wizards of the Coast

The Ravenloft Chronicles- Shit Storm: Book One, Chapter Five

Nowhere is Safe

Dramatis Personae:
Kithri "Quickshadow" Tealeaf, the Lightfoot Halfling Werebat Order of the Lycan Blood Hunter and Ruin Raider
Tilea Aervavil'A'Sum, the Wild Elf Circle of the Moon Druid Barbarian
Scritch, Tilea's Squirrel Animal Companion
Sachi Kno, the Vistani Weremonkey Thief
Forgrotken Anvilrocker, the Blugrim Forge Cleric of Moradin
Belmont Von Richter, the mysterious Human who tends to show up just in the nick of time
Lythana, the Human Werewolf Order of the Ghost Slayer Blood Hunter

Comrades we have lost:
Pineck, Anvil's Horse- turned into soup by a cursed crate

NOTE: Things will be mostly from Kithri's perspective, anything in italics is from a third party view, since the Hunter can't be everywhere at once. 

***** Hetedik Honap 6, CY 735, Lythana's safe house in Vallaki

       Lythana cut the amulet from Tilea's neck and bound it. Lythana said they had eight hours to perform a ritual that would put Syn back in the amulet, but she'd need some odd components. 

***** Hetedik Honap 7, Lythana's safe house in Vallaki

       I awoke to Sachi yelling "consecration" at the top of his lungs, just outside my room. I grabbed my whip and walked out, forgetting I was mostly naked, and demanded Sachi tell me what the Hells he was doing. Lythana took one look at me and said it looked like I was ready for a good night- unfortunately there's no good choices here for me to have it with. Then stupid Anvil ran out of his room, grabbed Sachi, and covered his mouth. Lythana and Tilea told us it was safe to say consecrate here, and made Anvil put Sachi down.

       Lythana told us we had three hours to collect some odd components and perform a ritual. We needed to infiltrate Talmot's vault and steal a consecrated dagger; get the still beating heart of a vampire thrall; and something about a lycanthrope that Lythana wouldn't go into detail about. After a brief discussion Sachi and Tilea decided to go to the vault, Anvil and I would go for the thrall, and Lythana would deal with the lycan part.

       Of course the vampire nest was in a ritzy area of town, in a bloody gated community. Anvil wanted to bribe someone living near the wall to let us onto their roof so he could climb the wall that way. While he was doing that, I flew off to scout. As I reached the wall, it flared, and I saw two of the Talmot wives inside the gates. The one with the bow shot me twice, but I somehow managed to keep myself from shifting, and I hurried to find Anvil so he could dig them out of me.

       Since Anvil had apparently failed at the bribery idea, or at least given up on it for now, he decided he wanted to turn himself into a t-rex and smash the wall down, but then he realized he wouldn't be sentient if he did it, and we didn't need to unleash a mindless beast onto the streets. Anvil decided since he was so bloody tall, he could probably jump the wall on his own- and he managed to do it. There was a mob of people on the other side of the wall, and they all backed away in terror. I pointed out a thrall to Anvil, but the big lug accidentally killed that bloke. The second one tried to run when he reached for it, so I tripped it with my whip, and it died... I pointed to the third one and said "if you want to live, come quietly." The bloke frozen in place, allowing Anvil to grab it and run.

       When we returned, Sachi and Tilea ushered Anvil into the other room, and told me Sachi had been briefly captured in their mission, and had learned that Anvil was a spy for Strahd because of the deal he made. We told Lythana as soon as she returned, and she told us we had an hour at most. She brought out some haversacks and told us to pack up everything we could. I went for the books, of course, Sachi gathered the weapons, Tilea the alchemical supplies, and Anvil grabbed everything else. Once we'd packed up, Lythana obtained some really nice horses for us from the innkeeper. As we rode out of town, we saw the Talmot wives.

       We were heading in the direction of Belmont's tower as fast as we could, time was running short for us to complete the ritual. A few minutes after passing a crossroad, Lythana's horse collapsed out from under her. The monk was waiting for us. Lythana tossed her saddle bags at Anvil and told us to keep moving. Anvil stayed behind to help her while Sachi, Tilea, and I kept running for the safe house.

       As we finished setting up the circle, Lythana and Anvil arrived and we were able to truly get it going. Lythana placed the amulet and ring in the circle, pulled out the heart and stabbed it with the werewolf fang, and let it bleed for about a minute before putting it on top of the amulet. Then she stabbed it with the consecrated dagger. A black-looking-thing came out of the amulet and slammed into Lythana. Lythana spent the next two hours thrashing and fighting the thing, in complete silence. Finally a burst of energy shot out, throwing Sachi, Anvil, and I into the wall. Lythana was standing over the amulet, with a twisted, demented look on her face. Tilea threatened it and there was another burst of energy; it was gone! And the consecrated dagger had shattered to pieces. Lythana was laying on the ground unconscious. We made her comfortable and settled in for the day, hoping she'd be okay when she came to.

       After a while we heard hoof prints outside, and looked out to see four blokes in robes. We assumed it was the Wives again, and Sachi suggested we use the necklace of fireballs he'd found on them. They pulled out a philter of love and began soaking arrows in it, hoping to make the Wives turn against Talmot, at least briefly.

       Eventually we cracked open the door to talk to them. It was four old blokes, not the wives. They said they were with the Resistance and were looking for Belmont. I asked them to show us their marks, but Tilea pointed out that with Anvil compromised we couldn't have them reveal themselves. We put a hood on the big blue dummy, to deal with the old blokes. Then I made Anvil strip so we could look for the mark, which was hiding behind his nut sack... I really wish I hadn't seen that. The blokes said the mark won't go away until the agreement is fulfilled, which was apparently that Anvil deliver Syn to Strahd. We all pointed blades at him over that, but before we could do anything else, there was another knock on the door.

       It was one of the Wives this time, the one with whips and blonde pigtails, saying she wanted to "talk." We opened the door and Scritch chucked the necklace of fireballs at her, but he messed it up and hit me instead. Then there was a massive explosion outside. When the smoked cleared, the Wife was gone. Instead, the monk was standing about 300 feet away with a cannon, looking confused.

       The monk tried to fire again, and the cannon jammed, so she started walking toward us. Anvil sprinted toward her, Tilea, Sachi, and I all shifted and followed Anvil. The monk turned to mist and a strange glow came from the tower. When the monk reappeared she missed Tilea with several blows, then parried all of our attacks. She hit Anvil with a staff and did some odd strike to me that rocked me to the core. The monk had been using a bow, so I snagged it with my whip and flung it behind me; Lythana caught it before it flew into the tower.

       Tilea managed to score a brutal looking hit on the monk, just as Lythana reached us. The monk threw Lythana and hit Sachi and Tilea hard. Of course the monk parried my whip attacks too. This was bloody ridiculous. This continued for what felt like ages, exchanging blows with her, though we almost never hit. I don't know how in the bloody Hells we're supposed to defeat a bloke we can't hit. Suddenly, a burst of golden energy seemed to come from nowhere. It felt nice, peaceful, except to the monk who screamed in agony, turned into mist, and fled.

       Tilea took the monk's bow and stuffed it in the mountain of monkey poo from last time we were here. Then I had to bully Sachi into stripping so we could check him for a mark, and found Talmot's hiding behind his balls. Tilea, knowing that Talmot could hear her, challenged him to come face us. About five minutes later, Talmot knocked down the door and asked who dared challenge him.

       Tilea told him to knock, not be rude, so he animated the door to knock on Til's head. He couldn't enter the tower though, I think it was hallowed ground. After a couple more hours, Talmot began trying to break down the wall. Tilea responded by dropping a moonbeam on him, making the vampire scream and fly away. Then for some stupid fucking reason, Tilea started cussing him out and insulting him as he flew sway. I thought she was one of the saner people in this little group, but apparently I was bloody wrong. These people are all stupid. I just want to go home.

       Lythana recommended we leave, and it was a bloody good thing we listened; meteors began raining down on the tower. It finally stopped after about ten minutes. Apparently Til had really pissed him off.

       We headed deep into the forest, to a cave Lythana used sometimes to lay low, and settled down to rest.

***** Hetedik Honap 8, Svalich Woods, Lythana's cave

       After about four hours of rest, a storm began, and it felt like the thunder was moving closer. Tilea said Syn warned her we need to run. The Executioner was coming; a colossal sized undead frost giant. He was so massive we could see him from where we hid, and it looked like every step he took caused the storm to crackle.

       Lythana told us to follow her and we ran to Krezk, a little village not far from where we were. The guards let us in the moment they saw Lythana's face. Once we were in Lythana told Sachi and Anvil to make their peace, they had until dawn. Tilea and I were led to little rooms in the village, while Anvil and Sachi were taken elsewhere.

       This place felt peaceful and relaxed; that oppression felt pretty much everywhere in this realm was gone. I liked it here.

       In the morning we were treated to a lavish breakfast, then Lythana took Tilea and I to where they were performing the ritual to remove the marks on Sachi and Anvil. They couldn't fulfill their oaths, obviously, so instead they had to be broken for them... by chopping off their heads, then bringing them back to life. Death broke the contracts and removed the marks.

       The villagers invited us to stay as long as we wanted, which sounded lovely to me.

       Sachi and Anvil decided to make me strip to check for marks too, even though I was clean. Since I'd bullied them into getting naked yesterday, I rolled my eyes and stripped. Sachi grabbed my tit and honked it, then ran. I flew after him, caught him in my whip, and flew back, still tangled in my whip, while he apologized. As everyone laughed, I gathered my clothing.

All maps from the "Curse of Strahd" Adventure Module by Wizards of the Coast

The Ravenloft Chronicles- Shit Storm: Book One, Chapter Four

It's Raining Vamps

Dramatis Personae:
Kithri "Quickshadow" Tealeaf, the Lightfoot Halfling Werebat Order of the Lycan Blood Hunter and Ruin Raider
Tilea Aervavil'A'Sum, the Wild Elf Circle of the Moon Druid Barbarian
Scritch, Tilea's Squirrel Animal Companion
Sachi Kno, the Vistani Weremonkey Thief
Forgrotken Anvilrocker, the Blugrim Forge Cleric of Moradin
Lythana, the Vistani Werewolf Order of the Ghost Slayer Blood Hunter

Comrades we have lost:
Pineck, Anvil's Horse- turned into soup by a cursed crate

NOTE: Things will be mostly from Kithri's perspective, anything in italics is from a third party view, since the Hunter can't be everywhere at once. 

***** Hetedik Honap 5, CY 735, Blood of the Vine Tavern, Village of Barovia

       Over breakfast Tilea randomly decided to toss that creepy baby skull necklace at Sachi... and it began to strangle him instantly. I'm starting to think he's right about Tilea hating lycanthropes. I managed to help him get out of the chain and he tossed shit at Tilea, which was honestly rather amusing.

       Right after this nonsense, there was a knock at the door; a terrified looking serving girl and a group of guards were on the other side. Apparently this little tussle had drawn some attention. Sachi told the guards Tilea had just tried to kill him, and they didn't believe him; instead, they demanded he clean up his shit, and wouldn't let any of us leave the breakfast room until it was done.

       Lythana had slipped out and was over at the bar. I ordered whatever she was having, and got completely tossed from a single drink. I stumbled back upstairs to pass out again.

       A few hours later, I was making tea over the fire in my private room, and I saw a shadow of a humanoid figure out of the corner of my eye. I pretended I didn't see it and went through the motions of making my tea, keeping a sharp eye out for the ambush I was certain was coming.

       A red-head Vistani woman with strikingly beautiful violet eyes struck me; she was holding a blackened bow with silver arrows... and here I was, in my bloody small clothes. I scooped up my whip, slashed at the bitch, and ran out of my room, into the shared living room off our chambers. There, Tilea was facing off with a Vistani woman with golden blonde hair, holding a twisted looking whip. Tilea shifted into a dogmole and charged the one with the whip, while I continued to use my whip on the bitch with the bow. The one with the whip managed to ensnare me in it, but I was able to keep her from throwing me into Tilea; Til slashed at her with her razor-sharp claws. I wriggled free of the whip quickly, and the one with the bow shot Tilea- good thing she's not a lycan. Til scored what was apparently a nasty hit on the one with the bow; right after her claws connected, the bitch said "we'll be back," dropped something to the ground, and vanished- the other woman did the same.

       Sachi and Anvil walked in right after that- apparently Anvil had been taken down by a black-haired woman with a staff, and a platinum-blonde woman with two blades had gone after Sachi; she lost him though, the little bugger is just too quick. Anvil had just finished digging the barbed silver arrows out of me when the guards showed up. We quickly told them what happened, and I guess they'd look into it, they didn't react much.

       Lythana walked in as the guards were leaving. She told us those four women were the Wives of Talmot. Baron Talmot is a newer vampire lord, something of an up-and-comer, who has four wives. She said he was after that creepy necklace Tilea was wearing, and we had to get out of there before they returned. Until we hid the amulet, they'd be after us.

       We found a grave as we traveled, which Sachi insisted we dig up; Anvil was vehemently against this for some reason. Lythana began digging, and as Sachi moved to help, Anvil grabbed him and attempted to restrain him to keep him from helping. I don't see what the problem was, if they're dead it's perfectly fine to steal from them; but I suppose an archaeologist has a different point of view on this than many people. There was nothing useful in the grave, so Lythana salted and burned it.

       Lythana took us to a little village that wasn't on any map I've seen, nor have I heard of, and we were greeted to a group of werebears. She told them the Wives had gotten wind of us and we were in need of sanctuary. The bears led us into a lodge to a secret set of stairs; after going down about a mile, we entered a large, circular chamber to stay the night in.

       After a couple hours, we could hear the bears snarling at something, but we couldn't tell what; we figured it was in our best interest to stay put. A couple hours later, the growls got more energetic. Not long after that, the growls became pained. We heard some footsteps, then a knock at the door.

***** Hetedik Honap 6, Secret Werebear Sanctuary

       Sachi wanted to open the door, but Tilea used a thorn whip to haul him away from it. The knocking continued, but it sounded off somehow. Anvil rushed to the door while Tilea was dealing with the monkey, and found the source of the knocking to be dead bodies. They were being rolled down the stairs and the knocks were the bodies hitting the door. Sachi moved to check a body, and it bit him; bloody vampires. Anvil hit it with a pillar of radiance and slammed the door.

       We decided we needed to face this directly, so we headed out. Not far up the stairs was a bear fighting that monk we'd seen earlier and two vampires. Sachi and I were small enough to just go under the bear to deal with the vamps... That was a really stupid idea. I moved to whip a vampire, and somehow it got tangled around the bear's balls... I neutered the poor bloke; then the nut sack fell right on Sachi's face!

       The monk turned to mist and vanished, just as a massive wave of ghouls started coming down the stairs at us. Anvil threw the bear corpse at the ghouls and Sachi threw the nut sack at a vampire... it went straight down its throat and the vampire choked to death on a nut sack! Anvil told us to give him some room and he began lighting up the ghouls. Sachi, Lythana, and I were able to just run up the tunnel over the ghouls- I flew- while Anvil set up a spell that made spectral blugrim begin swirling 'round him, killing them quickly. Tilea stayed with him and took out any that survived Anvil.

       That monk was waiting outside when we got there, and she just stood there while we slaughtered the vampires waiting with her. When Tilea and Anvil reached us, a dominant feminine voice came from the monk, saying "enough, children! Give us-" I interjected and asked if we could just have a cup of tea and talk like civilized people... she said yes! I was beyond flustered by the response, but we sat down and set up a little fire to brew some tea, and I pulled out my travel cups.

       She wanted that creepy amulet of Tilea's, and when I attempted to talk her out of it, she told me if I told her who had the amulet, Strahd would send me home. Before I could even register that offer, Anvil hurriedly said Tilea had it. Anvil vanished and the monk told the vampires we hadn't killed to get her. A spectral doorway opened under Tilea as the vampires moved toward her, and another one opened a thousand feet above us. Sachi yelled at them to go after her, and the idiots did... It was raining vampires. The monk glared at Sachi, so he jumped through the doorway, I followed, doing a perfect dive, and catching the monkey. The monk actually followed us.

       Tilea dropped a moonbeam in the area the vampires would be falling through, scorching them as they tumbled to their dooms. Anvil randomly appeared in the air with us, and Sachi gave him an immovable rod to help slow his fall. A swarm of flying squirrels appeared and helped Tilea get away. Sachi and I flew off on our own; Anvil eventually wandered off; we had no idea where Lythana had gone.

       In the morning there was a small group of Vistani camped out at the base of the tree Sachi and I had slept in. We joined them for breakfast and I gifted them a bunch of tea. Everyone needs good tea.

       We began heading toward Vallaki after breakfast, since we'd briefly discussed that last night before everything went to Hells. Sure enough, Tilea was there and Anvil was just arriving. There were some merchants just outside the gates so we were able to get things together to disguise ourselves; I was sure that guard captain hadn't forgotten about us. Tilea's stupid amulet came up and they instantly sent for Belmont.

       Not long after that, Lythana and an old Vistani woman arrived; the woman gave us each a reading from her Tarokka Deck. The reading she gave me was not pleasant; I was destined to return to Barovia over and over, it was my true home, and what I seek will not set me free. She then drew a card that represented all of us, and said we seek the same thing, we just don't know it yet. I felt power well up, then the woman vanished in a puff of smoke.

       It took five long hours to disguise ourselves cosmetically. We made Anvil up to look like a goliath, Tilea was a high elf, I was a gnome, and Sachi was a halfling. Lythana got us into the city and took us toward an inn where we were taken to a secret room. It was lovely; Lythana's personal chambers. I retired to my room and climbed into a nice hot bath, then settled down in a cushy bed with silky sheets. It was glorious.

        Anvil gave Tilea a ring of mind shielding to help her hide the amulet. Tilea decided to have Syn, the little girl in the amulet, try to attune herself to the magics instead. After a bit, Syn got quiet; she'd gone in the ring and something else had moved into the amulet. Once everyone else was in bed, Tilea explained everything to Lythana. The Vistani looked at her and said "I'm sorry. I'll make this as painless as possible." She lunged at Tilea. 

Blood of the Vine Tavern

All maps from the "Curse of Strahd" Adventure Module by Wizards of the Coast

The Ravenloft Chronicles- Shit Storm: Book One, Chapter Three

The Saviors of Barovia

Dramatis Personae:
Kithri "Quickshadow" Tealeaf, the Lightfoot Halfling Werebat Order of the Lycan Blood Hunter and Ruin Raider
Tilea Aervavil'A'Sum, the Wild Elf Circle of the Moon Druid Barbarian
Scritch, Tilea's Squirrel Animal Companion
Sachi Kno, the Vistani Weremonkey Thief
Forgrotken Anvilrocker, the Blugrim Forge Cleric of Moradin
Pineck, Anvil's Horse
Lythana, the Human Werewolf Order of the Ghost Slayer Blood Hunter

NOTE: Things will be mostly from Kithri's perspective, anything in italics is from a third party view, since the Hunter can't be everywhere at once. 

***** Hetedik Honap 3, CY 735, Svalich Woods

       I realized quickly that I was in a maze, and was able to get meself out of it quickly. I emerged to see the wolves all snarling at Sachi and Anvil. Anvil scooped up Sachi and ran toward the exit- the maze- putting up a wall of force to prevent the wolves from following. I caught up to Anvil in the maze quickly, but there was no sign of Sachi. I told Anvil we were in a maze, and had to think ourselves out of it, and that I thought Tilea was in trouble.

       Almost instantly, Bruno- Tilea's dog- tackled me, happy to find someone in the maze. I calmed him down quickly. I hoped if I focused on him I'd be able to take him out of the maze quickly, so I wrapped my arms around splitting my focus between the pup in my arms and leaving this stupid bloody maze. Thank the gods, it worked!

       Tilea was on the other side of the cave's exterior, spraying her chalice at full blast at a person who was wrapped in cloth like a mummy This was the monk Aurora faced the last time her group was in Barovia. Then a Vistani woman appeared and went after this mummy-monk. Tilea dropped a moonbeam on it, which then made Sachi turn human instead of attacking this bloke. The monk and the Vistani woman exchanged blows while I flew over and missed the mummy-monk with me whip. The monk then scored a few nasty hits on Anvil, before vanishing into thin air.

       Tilea hurried into the cave to try to calm down the wolves, but it didn't work; Strahd's hold on them was too firm and they were now coming at us. Anvil and I killed one while Tilea continued trying to dominate the others. Sachi went to help the Vistani woman face off with another one, which she killed instantly. I whipped another one and Anvil set it on fire, then I finished it off with my whip. Sachi tried to hide behind the Vistani woman as a wolf went for him, but she threw him at the wolf instead. Tilea gave up on dominating the wolves and joined us in taking them out. We finished the rest off quickly.

       The Vistani woman introduced herself as Lythana, and said Belmont had sent her to help us. She got the gloves off of Sachi, with a Blood Rite, but she wasn't with my Order, and took great offense to my inquiry about it. We told her about how Sachi has gotten us kicked out of Vallaki, and Anvil has pretty much driven himself out of the Village of Barovia by asking about consecration.

       Lythana set up a fire to prevent Sachi and I from shifting, since it was still the full moon.

***** Hetedik Honap 4, Svalich Woods

       When it was time to wake Tilea for her watch, I couldn't get her to come out of reverie. It was a bit worrisome, but I'm not a healer or mage, so there was nothing I could do for her. I just took an extra couple hours for watch.

       Not long before dawn, Sachi heard something dragging out in the woods. He went to go investigate, was hit by the moon, and jumped back into our circle of firelight. Lythana said something was dying out there, so Anvil and I went to investigate. We found a human, who died as soon as we arrived, his last words unintelligible, even for my sensitive hearing. Clutched in his grasp was an executioner's hood, which Anvil wanted. The bloke literally had a death grip on the hood, so Anvil wanted to cut his arm off to take it back with us, but I talked him out of it, and we stuffed the body in a tree.

       We decided we needed something to contain the cursed shit we've been finding, so Tilea and I headed to town. We managed to find a bag of holding for two vials of some substance that lycanthropes think smells bad, all of our gold, and- per the merchant's insistence- I had to shift into me hybrid form.

       The boys had found more cursed shit while we were gone. Apparently Sachi put the gloves back on and found a book with a necromantic nursery rhyme. Lythana had cut off the bloke with the hood's arm, and Sachi's new book turned it into a crawling claw. We loaded all of the cursed crap into the bag of holding, but as Anvil went to put an amulet he'd snagged off the body from last night into the bag, he moved to put it on. Sachi grabbed it, but Anvil held on; now they both wanted the bloody thing. Tilea tried to grab it with the bag, but it didn't work, so Lythana chucked a dagger at it, breaking the chain and destroying the amulet.

       Anvil asked us what that was about, and I told him it looked like he was about to put it on. His oh so mature response was "well, you look pretty stupid." I whipped the stupid bloke, because I was sick of his shit. He looked at me and said "my poop is bigger than you," then walked away. How in the Nine did I get stuck with these stupid bastards?! I need to get home.

       Lythana said she wanted to head to the Village of Barovia because she could keep us better protected there; even though Anvil couldn't really be seen there, she didn't think there'd be an issue. About half an hour later we found a piece of paper in the road... probably cursed. I managed to keep Sachi from snatching it up by pointing out what has happened every time he's picked up something random. Instead, he unfolded it with a pair of sticks to see what was on it. He said there was a picture of his (imaginary) friend on it, and bent to pick it up; the paper was blank as far as we could tell. Anvil picked up Sachi to get him away from the paper and a monkey appeared, it looked like an evil Sachi; Lythana killed it instantly.

       I tried to pick up the paper with sticks to get it in the bag, but it fluttered away and hit Tilea in the face. An evil owlbear appeared, so Tilea threw the paper in the bag... Lythana realized the owlbear was also in the bag and shot it, causing the bag we'd just spent all of our money on to explode. She was right though, the owlbear was still there, and it was on fire. We killed it instantly. On the plus side, every cursed item we'd found was now destroyed... except for the bloody gloves. Tilea stabbed the gloves with her moonblade and they vanished.

       Sachi and Anvil began fighting over the existence of evil, which Anvil apparently doesn't believe exists. Sachi attempted to curse Anvil to beleive in it and failed miserably. Once their stupid argument was done, we resumed our course toward town.

       When we were about a mile outside of town, we came upon what appeared to be the wreckage of a merchant's wagon. Anvil found a small crate in it, and ignored my warning that it was probably cursed, like every other bloody thing we've found here. He put it on Pineck and the horse vanished. Anvil opened up the crate and what could only be described as liquefied horse came flowing out, along with a silvery hairball- a wig. Sachi announced he was going to smash the crate, so Anvil swung at him. Sachi flipped the crate around so Anvil would hit it instead, and as soon as his weapon connected he dropped. Tilea shoved a goodberry down Anvil's throat to revive him.

       I picked up the wig with my sword and carried it out in front of me. After a few moments, Anvil convinced Sachi to put the wig in a scroll case and then in a bag; they attached the bag to the end of my sword. I didn't want to risk touching a cursed object.

       A strange shadow then enveloped all of us. Lythana began running toward town, saying everyone would die if we didn't do something. She summoned a spectral mount and took off, Sachi grabbed onto her. I tossed the wig bag aside and shifted into my tiny form, while Tilea turned into a horse that could carry Anvil; I grabbed on.

       Just as we reached town, and the shadow reached the center of town, Tilea and I lost our forms. The entire village was in a frenzy, everyone terrified of what may be coming. Lythana told us that Strahd had found out we're here. I shifted again and flew up to look for what we were facing; a golem of some sort that's literally the size of a mountain. When I told the others, Lythana scribed a weird rune in the dirt, which turned into a canary; she whispered to it and it flew off, Lythana saying she hoped it made it to "him" in time. Anvil ran off to get healed and ten clerics came out to help us as a result. Sachi went looting, of course. Tilea, Lythana, and I all waited for the behemoth to arrive; I set up my blood rites to hurt it more. 

       When the golem arrived, Strahd's voice rang out to all of us, "submit and you will be spared, resist and you will die and serve me anyway." Sachi told him to fuck off; Tilea said he had to beat her to prove he was worthy of serving; I asked if there was an option where he just sends me home; Anvil suggested Strahd should just submit to us; and Lythana asked if we didn't agree or disagree if we didn't have to fight him. His eyes narrowed in anger by our responses.

       The gates to the Village were destroyed instantly, sending debris flying everywhere. Tilea shot the golem, Lythana paralyzed it, and I sunk my claws into its flesh. The boys arrived and began beating on it too. Lythana began to climb it while the rest of us beat on the damned things. Then the paralysis broke and it sent out a massive shock wave; I felt myself go sailing through the air, just before it all went dark.

       The next thing I knew, I was still falling, and a very familiar canary was fluttering away. I was badly injured, so I hurried to the clerics Anvil had recruited. While I was getting healed, Lythana burrowed into the golem, killing it in the process. She retrieved a twisted looking amulet that looked to be made of blackened iron, and was in the shape of a tiny baby skull. Upon closer inspection, the skull was made from the bones of actual babies. Tilea put it on to keep it away from Sachi.

       We retired to the tavern and were greeted as the Saviors of Barovia. After a while, a merchant accused Sachi of stealing, but he was in his human form, so there was no evidence of the theft.

Map from "Curse of Strahd" adventure module by Wizards of the Coast

The Ravenloft Chronicles- Shit Storm: Book One, Chapter Two

There's More Than One Way to Skin a Monkey

Dramatis Personae:
Kithri "Quickshadow" Tealeaf, the Lightfoot Halfling Werebat Order of the Lycan Blood Hunter and Ruin Raider
Tilea Aervavil'A'Sum, the Wild Elf Circle of the Moon Druid Barbarian
Scritch, Tilea's Squirrel Animal Companion
Sachi Kno, the Vistani Weremonkey Thief
Forgrotken Anvilrocker, the Blugrim Forge Cleric of Moradin
Pineck, Anvil's Horse

NOTE: Things will be mostly from Kithri's perspective, anything in italics is from a third party view, since the Hunter can't be everywhere at once. 

***** Hetedik Honap 1, CY 735, Blood of the Vine Tavern, Village of Barovia

       Just as we got the door to the room closed, the sun sank. Sachi had taken another berry from Tilea, so he couldn't shift; I could, and got into my hybrid form. Sachi may not have been able to shift, but he still got the full moon bloodlust, and the door was magically sealed until dawn now, bloody Hells.

       Sachi leapt at me and I tangled him in my whip. Of course he got himself untangled quickly, but I just hit him again. The boy lunged at me again, missing, and I whipped him hard enough to knock him out. I used my manacles and rope to hog tie the little shit. An hour later he got out of one of the sets of manacles, but I knocked him back out and redid the bindings. I'm not going to get any bloody sleep tonight. This happened two more hours in a row. On the third time, as I was redoing his bindings again, Belmont strode in and told me he'd deal with Sachi so I could go sleep; I was so bloody grateful- and I'm starting to think this bloke is stalking me.

***** Hetedik Honap 2, Blood of the Vine Tavern, Village of Barovia

       I slept in a little, dealing with Sachi was bloody annoying. I'm so used to having control and being 'round those with control that I forget sometimes that not everyone is in the Order. I was very pleasantly surprised when I got up to find Anvil had bought us a feast; everyone was there except for poor Sachi, who'd been put in Tilea's room once the sun rose. Over breakfast, Anvil began asking Belmont about consecration again, and was again told to stop asking because it's allegedly a myth.

      After breakfast we decided to go enjoy day two of the Solstice festivities, and today was what they called the Festival of the Blazing Sun. There was a parade of unhappy children who were dressed up as flowers trudging through the muddy streets of Barovia, leading a group of sorry-looking men and women, who carried a wicker ball that was 10 feet in diameter. The burgomaster and his wife, who was holding a pathetic bouquet of wiling flowers, followed this procession on horseback. As Barovians gathered to watch, the ball is hung in the town square from a 15 foot high wooden scaffold; then the townsfolk began splashing it with oil. Before the burgomaster can light the ball, the sky tore open in a sudden downpour. The burgomaster cried out "all will be well" before brandishing his torch, that looked like it was about to go out, and marched to the wicker ball... His torch went out just as he thrust it into the sphere. The crowd erupted in a singular laugh before the burgomaster glared at everyone- if only the fire in his eyes could be used to light the pathetic wicker ball.

       Anvil offered to help the burgomaster with the ball, and was instantly told no. The burgomaster spent the next couple of minutes fiddling with a soggy flint, trying to get the damned ball to light. When Anvil couldn't watch anymore, he stepped up to the burgomaster and used a spell that dropped a pillar of radiant light onto the wicker ball... completely incinerating it. Tilea and I watched in horror, knowing we couldn't step in.

       The stupid bloke then gathered a bunch of wicker baskets from the townsfolk and demanded rope. He proudly hung the new, misshapen ball, and the burgomaster called for the guards. The poor fucker was arrested promptly, and he did not seem to understand why.

       Belmont materialized behind Tilea and I and told us that an army of demons was called upon Anvil's head for repeatedly asking about consecration in public- after he'd been warned about how monumentally stupid that was.

       Tilea sent a mouse to follow where the guards were taking Anvil. The mouse got eaten by a cat, but the mouse managed to chew its way out of the cat's stomach, killing it; but before Tilea could get to it, it bled to death from a missing leg. 

       I went to try to get Sachi up, while Tilea continued to follow Anvil. I woke Sachi up with a huge plate of food and a massive pot of tea to get him up and moving. He wasn't pleased about being woken up, and chugged the entire pot of tea, right out of the pot! He wouldn't even let me put it in a cup for him. Uncivilized little shit. But he learned his lesson about chugging tea straight from the pot- he got the runs and spent the next twenty minutes shitting. I don't know how he does it. At least at the end of it he'd passed the goodberry and could shift again.

       Sachi zipped off to find Anvil and I followed in my little bat form. By the time I got there, Sachi was perched on a roof and Anvil was outside. Then a dire wolf appeared under Anvil, which I assumed was Tilea. She turned to run from a figure in black, but the person grabbed onto Tilea. I slashed at the figure, then Sachi jumped on her and began to pick her pockets before he ran away. Anvil attempted to shove her and he was rewarded by the figure hitting both him and Tilea hard, then the woman vanished. I caught up to Tilea quickly and climbed on, hiding myself in Anvil's shadow.

       Tilea found a dire wolf den for us to hide in, and she dominated them, becoming the new alpha. Anvil wanted to go back for his stuff, but we had to wait until dark to do so. Thankfully, Belmont had given Sachi a couple potions to keep him sane during the moon, so we didn't have to worry about the monkey losing his shit again.

       After about four hours, a shadow passed over our cave. Sachi saw Strahd approaching us, and hurried into the cave to warn us that Strahd was here. We had just a moment to prepare for what would not end well. Twelve wolves appeared at the mouth of the cave, then Strahd stepped up and told us to give him the one who seeks consecration; if we complied, the rest of us would live, if we refused, we would all die.

       Anvil admitted it was him, but said he'd given up on it; Strahd said he still had to kill him for asking about it. The vampire asked what Anvil's clan's motive was for looking for the information, and Anvil said they were just trying to recover lost knowledge. Sachi offered to buy Anvil's freedom, but Strahd would only take Sachi's life or servitude as payment, and for some reason the monkey agreed. Tilea suggested Strahd just make Anvil serve him instead, but he wouldn't do it.

       Strahd bit Sachi- that's how he would serve him. Tilea lashed out at one of Strahd's wolves and beat its ass, so the other wolves joined Tilea. Strahd advanced on Anvil, and just before he plunged his fangs into the blue idiot's neck, he said he was going to turn all of us. I tried to shift to get away, but I couldn't, so I began to run... And learned Tilea was under Strahd's control. She caught me and sat on me. I wiggled free just as Belmont arrived- I swear this bloke is stalking me.

       Tilea grabbed me by the cloak and drug me back into the den. I fought her hard, but it did me no good. Strahd grabbed me and sunk his teeth into me- though I bit back- and felt myself fall unconscious. Belmont revived me quickly, along with the others, and I was relieved to see Tilea was back on our side again. I activated my Blood Rite and stabbed the fucking vampire. Tilea attempted to wrestle Strahd to the ground, but he got up and started backing out of the cave, dragging Tilea with him. When he reached the mouth of the cave, he dropped her, turned into mist, and vanished.

       After that ordeal, I didn't think it was a good idea to go back into Barovia to get Anvil's stuff, but they insisted. As we started heading that way, the bloody jail blew up. Sachi insisted we go anyway, so Tilea and I shifted and held onto him. We left Anvil, he's too bloody conspicuous, and we don't have any way to shift him.

       Belmont was outside the jail, fighting a group of flaming beasts. Sachi went to break into some noble's house instead of helping Belmont. He broke the window and I used my echolocation, causing a shitload of bats to fly out the window at us. While we waited for them to clear out, we checked on Belmont; there were only two beasts left and he looked fine, so Sachi resumed his breaking and entering. As soon as Sachi climbed into the window, the bloody guards showed up and we had to flee.

       We went to a window on the other side of the house, and found two dusk elves in there, who nearly caught Sachi before he turned 'round. He decided the jail was too burned to raid, which it wasn't, and decided to rob some merchants instead. I shifted and told him to go back to the jail, then hopped back on. As we passed, we saw Belmont explaining the beasts to the guards.

       The jump that Sachi did to get into the barracks was completely fucking insane; I seriously thought he was going to crash. The room was full of guards who seemed to be hiding. Sachi got us out of the room unseen and locked the door behind us. There was a really pissed zombie in the halls, which Tilea realized was a bloody revenant. Sachi dashed into the nearest room, which was full of elite guards. He told them he'd let the revenant in if they bothered us, so they all backed down. We'd ended up in the room they kept everything they confiscated.

       I shifted into my hybrid form to conceal my identity, and found a bag of holding to put stuff in. I wasn't paying attention to other things I grabbed, and I accidentally put a portable hole in the bag. The explosion was massive and I found myself in the ethereal realm with four guards. After about thirty seconds I got out, and was now in the room with the revenant, alone. It hit me hard before I took flight and got the fuck out of there. So much for getting any loot.

       We were back in the cave and amidst a rant about the bloody barracks, I said "son of a monkey cunt," which I say often, I just like that specific curse. Tilea decided I was insulting Sachi by saying it, and Sachi instead took offense at Tilea's comment. He attacked her and hit her hard with those creepy ass gloves of his, and looked confused and disturbed after. Tilea's wolves dropped poor Sachi, but I revived him. He said it wasn't him, it was the gloves.

       Tilea tried to force Sachi to eat a berry, and he refused, attempting to flee her. She shot him with the berry instead, turning him human. She had Anvil hold Sachi against the tree she'd grown into the cave earlier, then directed the bark to bind Sachi in place. She was going to peel the gloves off him, one way or another. I left... I couldn't watch this. Tilea was terrifying, and she had the blue dolt on her side, so I knew I couldn't take them and save the monkey. Apparently she gave up pretty quickly; I guess monkey skinning isn't something they cover in druid school.

***** Hetedik Honap 3, Wolf den in Svalich Woods

       A couple hours after Tilea had given up on skinning the monkey, a group of werewolves came to the entrance to the cave, which was mostly blocked off by tree roots. They broke through the tree with ease- it was the full moon, after all. Tilea blasted them with moon water, pushing most of them back. I got in the air and began whipping one of them. Tilea passed the chalice to Anvil and began trying to shoot them with moonberries. Anvil then beat on the one I'd been hitting and set him on fire, I don't know how he set someone who was drenched on fire, but what the fuck ever. It killed the bloke. We made quick work of the lot, being forced back into human form significantly weakened them.

       In the morning, Anvil was still exhausted, so Tilea and I went back to town alone; no one had seen our faces in this mess. There was significant damage to the village from the damned fire. While there, we learned that those who wish to leave Barovia have to seek an audience with Strahd, so Tilea sent her raven to him. When we left town a few hours later, the raven appeared at our feet, dead. I guess Strahd doesn't want to just let us leave.

       When we got back to the cave, something felt off about it. Tilea decided to stay outside the cave, and I shifted to go get Sachi and Anvil. After just a few moments, I realized something was very wrong, I wasn't making any progress into the cave; it was an endless tunnel.

       Inside the cave, all of the wolves stood and began snarling at Sachi and Anvil.

       Outside the cave, a voice whispered to Tilea: "I expected you both to go in."

Blood of the Vine Tavern

All maps from the "Curse of Strahd" Adventure Module by Wizards of the Coast

The Ravenloft Chronicles- Shit Storm: Book One, Chapter One

(Monkey) Shit Happens

Dramatis Personae:
Kithri "Quickshadow" Tealeaf, the Lightfoot Halfling Werebat Order of the Lycan Blood Hunter and Ruin Raider
Tilea Aervavil'A'Sum, the Wild Elf Circle of the Moon Druid Barbarian
Scritch, Tilea's Squirrel Animal Companion
Sachi Kno, the Vistani Weremonkey Thief
Forgrotken Anvilrocker, the Blugrim Forge Cleric of Moradin
Pineck, Anvil's Horse

NOTE: Things will be mostly from Kithri's perspective, anything in italics is from a third party view, since the Hunter can't be everywhere at once. 

***** Hatodik Honap 28, CY 735, Svalich Woods

       For my final initiation into the Order of the Lycan, I was sent to bring in a werewolf that was in the woods not too far from town. As I was flying around, a whip cracked into a tree next to me. A human man began chasing me- my small form and the cover of night helped me get away from him, and then he began calling out that he was here to kill me because I was a beast. The wanker seemed to think all lycans are nothing more than mindless murderers. I called down to him and told him to piss off, I only eat bugs, and the Order helps teach you control. Like most people 'round here, he'd heard of my Order, and told me if I showed him my amulet with the crest.

       The bloke introduced himself as Belmont and offered to help me bring in the wolf I'd been sent to collect. When we got to the wolf, it bit me hard, so I got in the air while Belmont restrained it with his whips. He does some pretty cool shit with those whips, I need to learn those tricks. Anyway, I attempted to talk to the wolf, and it began trying to chew its arm off to get out of the whip... The poor fucker was completely feral; I let Belmont kill it, then he left me with a bloody huge corpse.

       I couldn't just leave the corpse out in the open, and I was about as big as the bloke's arm so carrying him was out of the question, so I began digging a grave; the bloke deserved that at the very least. I'm really bloody bad at digging graves, and after a while an enormous squirrel approached me and took over the work. I'm pretty sure it was a weresquirrel, but it didn't acknowledge me or my attempts to speak to it, and it had kind of brushed me to the side, so I set up a little fire and began brewing tea.

       When it was nearly done, a bunch of members of the Order showed up; apparently this was my final initiation test and I passed with flying colors. I did admit to them that that Belmont bloke had helped me, and they were fucking impressed I'd survived him; this guy is known to be a hard ass I guess. They helped us finish the squirrel finish digging the grave, we got the dead fucker buried, and then the squirrel shifted into an elven woman.

       After all that I needed something a bit stronger in my tea, so my Order and I turned toward town. I invited the squirrel- Tilea- to join us, since she'd dug a lot of the grave for me, I figured I owed her a drink. On the way back to Vallaki, Tilea befriended a rat. Druids are fucking weird.

       As we approached the Blue Water Inn, the main gathering place in Vallaki, smoke was puffing from the chimney of the large, two story wooden building, with a sagging tile roof and a stone foundation. As usual, there were ravens perched on it sign, which hangs above the main entrance and depicts a blue waterfall. I don't think there's something of that beauty anywhere in Barovia. Tilea befriended one of the ravens on the sign as we entered. The inn was fairly packed for this time of night, so Tilea and I were stuck at a table near the kitchen.

       After a couple hours a bard wandered in, whispered to the barkeep, and headed into the kitchen. I didn't think anything of it, but for some reason, Tilea decided she needed to follow the bloke. She tripped as she tried to walk in, and said she was looking for a proper berry wine; earlier they'd given her a regular wine, considering grapes to be berries. Then a huge blue fucker from a couple tables away got up and followed Tilea in. I'm not entirely sure what happened, but Tilea was tossed out of the kitchen in a net and the blue fucker was hogtied by a whip when he was kicked out. I think I'm just going to stay out of this stupidity.

       The crowd was beginning to stir by now, restless in their wait for entertainment, though that was remedied quickly, as the bard's body fell from the rafters to the stage. Tilea and the blue fucker rushed to the body and pronounced him dead; though apparently the body didn't look the same as the bard wearing those clothes earlier had; bloke probably just used disguising magic to look how he wanted. Tilea said the wounds looked like a humanoid claw made them, and she called to a woman in the crowd who I guess had a weapon similar? I honestly wasn't paying much attention, I like to keep to meself when I can.

       And that was when the guards rushed in. The idiots decided Tilea and the blue fucker were suspects because they were standing over the body when they walked in. I stepped in to try to help Tilea, and the idiots decided to arrest all three of us. I knew it would all be sorted out quickly, so I reluctantly allowed them to cuff me; besides, I can easily get out of these locks if the need arises.

       As we walked out of the tavern, Tilea told her raven friend to go get her rat and Scritch, her squirrel friend... which made the idiot guards start yelling that she was a tree witch. The Captain of the Guard joined the other idiots arresting us, and we were marched down the street toward the station. Then, suddenly, out of nowhere, a wad of shit flew out of the shadows and hit the guard right in the face. It was fucking hilarious. The blue fucker- who'd introduced himself as Anvil- declared it as a sign from his god that we should be set free... so they decided that meant he'd somehow done this. Tilea said Anvil was a god witch, just to get a rise out of the guard, and as he opened his mouth to start yelling, another wad of shit flew at his face... and right into his open mouth.

       Everyone doubled over laughing, except for the guard of course. As I wondered who in the Nine would be stupid enough to do that, Belmont appeared again, flicked his wrist, and a small monkey came off the roof of a house to land at our feet. The Captain had cleaned enough shit out of his mouth to start yelling at Belmont, apparently he wasn't allowed in town. He said he'd leave with all of us after one drink, which the furious Captain agreed to, probably so he could hurry to scrub his face and mouth. As we reached the door of the Blue Water Inn, the monkey turned 'round, looked the Captain right in the eye, and gave him a shit eating grin. The Captain snarled for his men to catch the monkey.

       The rest of us headed into the bar, knowing we'd have some time while the monkey hunt commenced. Sachi- the monkey- doubled back and joined us quickly. Belmont had apparently robbed the Captain and proceeded to buy us a feast with his money, which we all gratefully dug into. While there, Tilea befriended a dog and a cat, because apparently she can't go more than an hour without trying to befriend an animal. As we relaxed, Sachi regaled us with a bunch of tales that were complete bullshit, but they were entertaining nonetheless.

       It took the Captain a couple hours to return to the Inn, and he shot Sachi on sight. As his men were dragging an unconscious Sachi out of the bar, the rest of us were ordered to leave and never come back. Instead, we rose to go after the monkey, but the guards made sure to escort us out of town before we could.

       Belmont said he had a feeling Sachi was important, so we needed to go after him. He was willing to do it alone, but we decided to follow him. He led us to a small stream- it was where the sewers in town ran out- and said we'd have to go in that way. I shifted into my little bat form so I wouldn't have to trudge through sewage for some cheeky monkey I'd known for only a couple hours. I don't know why I was even doing this much for him, but I felt like I needed to somehow. The tunnel we needed to go through was covered in a heavy-looking grate that Anvil was able to remove with ease. He could barely fit through in the tunnel; I was so grateful for my shifting right now.

       I used my echolocation to get the lay of the land, and it was coming back soft, like it was hitting something, but not something firm or solid or something. Thankfully Tilea somewhat understood me in this form, so I was able to relay this to the others.

***** Hetedik Honap 1, Summer Solstice, tunnels below Vallaki

       We traveled in silence for what felt like- and probably was- hours, before Belmont walked right into a gelatinous cube that was creating a blockage in the tunnel. That's why my echolocation came back soft. Anvil whacked it with a hammer while I shifted into my hybrid form and stabbed it. Tilea tossed a handful of seeds into the cube, which exploded instantly.

       The cube moved, shoving me back and engulfing Tilea and Anvil. Belmont somehow managed to flick his whip around inside the cube, killing the fucking thing. I really need to study his whip use.

       A scream echoed down the tunnel as a wall of sewage crashed down on us. It was bloody disgusting. That damned cube had held back a lot of sewage. I'm going to have to burn these clothes now. Meanwhile, the scream began to rise louder and louder, to the point that it began hurting my sensitive ears. Blood began pouring into the sewer, leading us right to where poor Sachi was being held.

       There was a tunnel leading up to where Sachi was, so Tilea turned into a monkey and began to climb it, Belmont began climbing up on his own, I took to the air, and Anvil tried to climb, but the bloke barely fit in here. This tunnel was the first place where he'd been able to stand fully upright. When I was at the top of the tunnel I squeaked to get the layout with my echolocation and I suddenly turned back into meself. I managed to grab onto the sewer grate, so I didn't plummet to a disgusting grave. I called down for Anvil to catch me and dropped; thankfully the bloke is only slow in the head.

       Belmont blew up the sewer grate and found Sachi strapped to a table with a constant stream of liquid being poured onto his head. Belmont and Tilea went to distract the guards, while I used my blood rite to try to cut through the straps holding Sachi down. There were twenty of them in all, so Anvil helped me work on them. Tilea summoned a bunch of swarms of monkies to attack the guards before she came to help. The water being dumped on Sachi was moonwater from a chalice of endless water, with Selune's symbol on it. Tilea took that for herself, and Belmont revived Sachi with smelling salts. Sachi was shocked that we'd come back for him, but honestly, so was I.

       We jumped back into the tunnel just as a shit load of guards came bursting into the room. Tilea knocked most of them prone with the chalice she'd liberated, and Belmont dealt with the last of them with his whip. My place was too far away, so Belmont took us to his to lay low- turns out it was Van Richten's Tower on the shore of Lake Baratok.

       As we traveled, I heard some bats approaching us, they were saying "kill, murder, kill." They had to have been summoned, bats wouldn't normally talk like that. When the swarms reached us, Belmont stepped forward, his whip caught fire, and in a move so fast my eye couldn't follow, he destroyed all of the bat swarms.

       Eventually we reached the Tower, and found twenty scarecrows between us and the tower. Tilea marched right up to them, covered herself in quills, and turned into a giant roctopus. Belmont through out holy water that set a couple of them on fire. Sachi jumped over Tilea to attack a couple, then used her as a ramp to jump back to Anvil. They tried to attack Tilea, but failed miserably, the little damage they managed to do didn't even seem to phase her.

       I got in the air and killed the scarecrow that had rushed Anvil. Tilea's eight arms whirled as she continued to beat on the constructs in front of her. Sachi began another attack on one, as Anvil rushed forward to help with the attack. Then poor Anvil got surrounded and went down... Not sure if he was dead or just unconscious, but there were too many scarecrows around for any of us to check. Tilea got swarmed by the ones she'd been bitch slapping and she was reverted back to herself. This had suddenly gotten a bit more difficult.

       I killed two of the damned things with my whips; I'm not as good with them as Belmont, but I know a thing or two. Pineck was apparently furious that the scarecrows had harmed his master, the horse charged forward and knocked over every scarecrow near Anvil's prone form- killing two of them. Apparently that horse was a fucking bad ass. Sachi waded back into the fray to stab another one, then retreated again. Belmont knocked one into the water and it was torn apart by whatever fish were in it... Don't go swimming here, apparently. One of the ones Pineck had knocked prone attempted to attack it, and the horse killed it for its effort.

       Then the next ten of them came at us. I continued whipping at them from the air, while Tilea began shooting at them, and Sachi dashed in, attacked, and bolted. Belmont tried to use his whip to revive Anvil, but it didn't seem to actually do anything. Tilea yelled to hold the scarecrows back, and summoned an azza gremlin, hoping the electricity it used would revive Anvil, and it fucking worked! I couldn't believe it! Belmont's whip began to glow, and every scarecrow he struck crumbled to dust. There were only three left by the time Belmont finished his assault. One of them hit Belmont and another went for Pineck; I killed the one who went for Pineck. Anvil killed the last two.

       We hurried into the tower, which was in serious disrepair. Just as we began to get settled to sleep, the bloody sun began to rise.

       After we woke up, Belmont left, saying he was heading to the Solstice Festival. I planned to go to the Village of Barovia, since I couldn't return to Vallaki anytime soon, thanks to the damned monkey. The stairs to the other floors were caved in, so Sachi decided to climb around the outside of the tower to see if he could find anything in the upper floors. After a bit I heard him get in trouble, so I flew up to see what the damned monkey was getting into now.

       By the time I got up there, he was stuck in the window, so I flew in, shifted, and pushed him out... Didn't think about him not being able to fly... He landed with a crash, but seemed to be okay, and I flew back out.

       Not long after that, Sachi stole a moonberry from Tilea- a goodberry made with moonwater- and Sachi was shifted into his human form. He began flipping out that he couldn't shift, so Tilea gave him a laxative... He spent the next forty fucking minutes shitting on the backside of the tower. The noises were bloody awful... Cringing, I didn't think to look when Tilea held something out to me and said "tea?" It was the fucking laxative... I puked up most of it, but I spent about ten minutes shitting. These were the people I'd been stuck with? Seriously?

       Eventually we packed up and set out for the Village of Barovia. As we left, Tilea told Sachi I had biscuits- knowing full well I was out. Sachi didn't believe me, and spent the next hour trying to find and steal the biscuits that no longer existed. Around the time that Sachi gave up, we came across some rusty nails in the middle of the road. Tilea said they had to be cursed, but Anvil ignored her and collected them anyway; she said he'd probably wake up and find himself in a coffin that was nailed shut. I think she may be a bit over dramatic.

       About an hour later we found gloves in the road, that were made of human flesh, and had razor-sharp, ivory claws as nails. Sachi put them on instantly, and they fused to his arms. Tilea leaned in and asked him "what have we learned?" And the monkey slashed at her with his new claws.

       An hour after that- just outside of the Barovia- we saw a flickering green light, which made Anvil speed up, I trailed behind him, hoping to stop him from doing something stupid. Turns out that was a pointless endeavor... The source of the flame was a lantern with a back candle inside it, and the flame was green. Anvil put a sack on top of the lantern, then dropped a bucket on top of it, and flipped it all over; he was so proud of himself for finding a way to pick it up without touching it that he didn't notice right away when his sack caught fire. I asked Tilea if there was anything she could do about the lantern, and she decided to try to shoot out the flame. I'm surrounded by bloody morons.

       The first arrow was incinerated by the fire, then Tilea accidentally shot Anvil, and then she killed some poor bloke who had made the mistake of walking past the lantern as she shot. The nearby guards merely shrugged and walked away. Sachi began looting the corpse, then made the mistake of talking in his monkey form... leading to a full-scale manhunt for the little shit. He got ahead of them and shifted into his human form, meeting up with us outside of the inn, which had a moon room. While I was getting the keys, some bloke bumped into Sachi and he slaughtered him for no reason. Great, we have an insane, homicidal monkey on our hands.

       I hurried to the moon room, with Sachi right behind me, and an angry mob on his heels. I slammed the door shut just as the mob was hitting the top of the stairs.

All maps from the "Curse of Strahd" adventure module by Wizards of the Coast.