Tales from Toril- The Adventures of Critical Bumbersnoot: the Odd Company: A Yawning Portal Novella, Chapter One

For the Advancement of Science

Dramatis Personae:

Winry Steamgear, the Rock Gnome Alchemist Artificer

Bumbersnoot, Winry's Dachshund Mechanimal Construct

Mara Quinn, the Water Genasi Sea Sorceress

Steve, Quinn's Octopus familiar

Oskar Heartforge, the Shield Dwarf Priest of Moradin

Jak Foostus, the Minotaur Monk

NOTE: Things will be mostly from Winry's perspective, anything in italics is from a third party view, since the artificer can't be everywhere at once. 

***** Tarsakh 10, 1489 DR (The Year of the Warrior Princess), Waterdeep

       I've been in Waterdeep for a couple tendays now, looking for work to get me on my next journey, but I haven't found anything yet. I'm at my last few pieces of gold, and am starting to get desperate, my guild doesn't have any work and I haven't been able to sell any of my inventions lately to earn extra coin. I haven't even been able to find any odd jobs fixing things. I'm heading to check the job boards at the Yawning Portal for what feels like the millionth time. At this point I'd even go for being a caravan guard, because it would at least be something.

       To my surprise when I check the job board, I actually find something. It's an old looking, somewhat tattered flyer that looks like it's been there for a while, though I've never seen it before today. It's advertising Professor Fizzlewick Smithson is looking to hire people to collect specimens for him, preferably alive, for the advancement of science. Halflings need not apply. It says to be there at 12 on Firstdays, which is tomorrow. I guess I'll give it a shot, I need something, and I can definitely help with the advancement of science. Hopefully I'll be able to find some new gadgets to play with while collecting these specimens.

***** Tarsakh 11, Waterdeep

       I arrived at the intersection early the next morning, and of course the creepy warehouse was my destination. There was an plaque on the side that said "Smithsonian Institute, Science of Natural and Unnatural Creatures." There was also a beardless dwarf waiting, and a minotaur. I'm not going to lie, this place was hella creepy, but I knew I'd be safe, because Bumbersnoot will always protect me. I can also set them on fire if need be. Closer to 12, a water genasi, looking slightly disheveled- as if she'd overslept and run here- joined us at the corner.

       At exactly 12, we heard a click, like a lock opening. The dwarf- Oskar- went in first. Stepping inside this building was like entering a whole new world. It was clean and organized, and everything looked much newer than the ratty exterior of the building. There were rows of chairs, some potted plants, an aquarium with a single fish swimming around, and a desk placed in front of a set of doors. Standing behind the desk was a Mechanical! He looked like a golem, except made of bronze. This Mechanical was a thing of beauty- and then he SPOKE! I was so enthralled by this beautiful automaton that I barely registered his words- that the Professor would be with us shortly.

       I haven't perfected speech for Bumbersnoot yet, he still has a modified music box type implement that lets him bark and whine, but it still sounds so tinny and artificial. I wanted so badly to take him apart, but that would be rude, so instead I got off of Bumbersnoot, walked around the desk, and started asking him questions about his maker. Apparently this Professor Smithson made him, but he wouldn't answer any further questions of mine, and he looked creeped out. I didn't know that Mechanicals could be creeped out! It was hella cool! I need to get his schematics so I can upgrade Bumbersnoot, and maybe make him a friend. I'm sure my puppy would love a little friend!

       Quinn- the genasi- said that the fish in the aquarium was a Mechanimal too, and after studying it for a minute or two, I realized it was a slightly more sophisticated version of the little windup toys I make. I could easily make this one, and I would definitely improve upon this method.

       After we'd been waiting for about five or six minutes, we heard a crash and a cloud of smoke billowed out from the doors behind the Mechanical. Quinn puked in the fishbowl, and I felt a bit queasy, though I managed to keep my breakfast down. Oskar opened up the door to help get the smoke out, and the Mechanical set up a fan to force the smoke out. Then the dwarf threw his hammer at me... and I felt better? Somehow hitting me with a hammer made me not sick anymore. That's hella weird.

       After a minute a rock gnome in a gas mask and full mechanic gear came out of the door, and told us we'd passed his test; apparently this is Professor Smithson. The moment we looked at each other, our eyes narrowed. He's a rival, and I knew he would try to get his grimy little paws on my designs. Jackass. He handed out contracts to each of us, and I discovered a clause in it that stated that any inventions found while working under him were his, period. I knew he wanted to steal my designs! I managed to negotiate that out of my contract, with some douchey aid from Jak- the minotaur. He insulted Bumbersnoot as a means of helping get that removed from my contract. I'd be offended, but in this case he was helping me.

       Professor Smithson was tasking us with collecting specimens for him, preferably alive, for the advancement of science. He said he'd recently learned about a creature that Volo hadn't written about yet- he did not like Volo for some reason- and he needed to get his hands on it before Volo learned of it. We were going to the Crags, to Mount Kinnikinnick, or better known as White Plume Mountain. He claimed there was a metal room built into the mountain, that was only reachable through the plume, and inside was a tall, slender, bipedal, wingless, black dragon. I'm pretty sure someone is yanking his chain- probably Volo, if Volo is even aware of this little jackass. We were also told to collect any other interesting specimens we came across along the way, and he gave us each a little case with six metal balls that looked like they opened on a hinge by pressing a button; we were instructed to point the ball at whatever we wanted to capture and push the button. The specimen had to be badly wounded for this to work though. I need to take one apart! I know I can make it better than he can, and since the invention clause isn't in my contract, I can totally take this and make it cool.

       Jackass had arranged passage for us on a ship to Neverwinter, and we'd have to figure out our own way to the mountain from there. Oskar started talking to Smithson about lunch, and I took the opportunity to steal his fish, leaving a broken one in its place. We had a couple hours before we had to meet the the ship, so we split up to do some shopping.

       I picked up a bunch of miscellaneous parts that I may nee during the trip, you can never have too many parts after all. Especially when you have a 600 pound clockwork, steam powered dachshund to take care of. Bumbersnoot doesn't typically require much maintenance, since I built him flawlessly, but I needed to be prepared, just in case something hurt my baby.

       When we had all gotten the supplies we needed, we met at the ship, and started our trip toward Neverwinter.

***** Tarsakh 13, Sea of Swords

       Our trip had been blessedly peaceful thus far, aside from the storm that started rolling in tonight. I was below deck with Bumbersnoot, I wasn't letting him above deck, he'd sink instantly if he felt overboard- when suddenly the ship lurched and I was thrown into a bookshelf.

       I heard someone yell "giant shark" and I ran up the stairs to the deck. Right in front of me was a sahuagin- there were a bunch of them on deck engaging the crew- so I shot this one with my Daring Sir, a little pistol I made from the designs of an ancestor, back before the Spellplague destroyed Lantan, and all of my people's wonderful work. I heard a cry from Oskar as he lost his footing, and looked over to see Jak killing one of the sahuagin.

       A wave suddenly crashed onto the deck, and a sea hag was washed on board with it. Several members of the crew started screaming in terror at the hag. She glared at one and he collapsed, falling down the stairs. She cackled with glee and followed him- but unfortunately for her, Jak followed. Below deck, Bumbersnoot heard Jak beating on the hag and came to help. With a tinny bark, Critical Bumbersnoot bit the hag, pulled her down, and killed her. Jak pulled out one of the Stasis Balls he'd been given by Smithson, and trapped the hag inside it. Bumbersnoot licked the foot of the unconscious soldier, waking him up from the burn of contact with a very hot, brass, tongue. 

       I pulled a cymbal monkey out of my alchemist satchel and wound it up, sending it to a couple of the sahuagin, its cymbals banging louder with each step, until it reached its mark- then it clanged the cymbals together so loudly that it created a thunder effect. Unfortunately it didn't knock over either of the stupid sahuagin.

       Oskar was harpooned by a merrow, and hauled overboard. The merrow bit into the dwarf's flesh, his blood drawing the attention of the giant shark, which instantly turned him into a chew toy. Oskar banished the shark and swam toward the surface, just as Quinn jumped overboard to come to the priest's aid. Smaller sharks swarmed the genasi, but she managed to get away from them- only to get harpooned by a merrow. 

       I pulled a beetle out of my alchemist satchel, wound it up, and sent it flying to one of the sahuagin on deck- it dodged my little bug, and the acid inside it, much easier than I would have liked. Annoyed, I shot it with my Daring Sir, and killed the damned thing. I saw Jak kill another one- there only seemed to be one more on deck. I sent an acid beetle at it, and missed, again. Apparently these things are good at sidestepping beetles. I didn't dare use an exploding mouse on the ship, the last thing we needed was for the ship to go up in flames, in the middle of the Sea of Swords, because I was careless. Jak killed that final sahuagin.

       Oskar broke the surface of the water, relieved to draw a breath, and grabbed onto the rope on the side of the ship. Quinn used misty step to get to Oskar, and got hit by a marrow for her effort. Oskar struck the merrow, while Quinn pulled out her Neptunian Trident to take control of one of the smaller sharks. 

       With all of our foes on deck dead, Jak and I turned our attention to Oskar and Quinn. I sent a beetle to one of the merrow that was attacking them, and hit the fucker! Apparently they aren't as good at dodging beetles as sahuagin are. Jak jumped overboard. Oskar and Quinn were clinging to the ship, trying to get away before they died- I think Quinn was in pretty bad shape, I saw a burst of healing light come from Oskar, and Quinn perked up again. It was a good thing he did too, because the sharks went after the two of them again- though one of them attacked a merrow for some weird reason. A merrow harpooned Quinn and began trying to pull her under, but she clung hard to the ship. Oskar and Quinn retaliated and killed the merrow.

       I sent another acid beetle to the merrow- striking it again! I saw Jak begin pounding on a merrow, while Oskar attempted to swing his hammer at one, and fumbled it up somehow. All of the sharks went right for him; I'm starting to understand why dwarves hate water so much. Quinn's trident glowed for a second, but it didn't seem to do anything. Quinn had taken control of a different shark, but she didn't announce to the party that she had control over the beast. 

       I melted a shark's face with one of my acid beetles! I felt much better about missing those sahuagin earlier. Jak beat on another shark, killing it- it was one of the sharks that Quinn was controlling. Quinn commanded the other one under her control to go away. One of the sharks swam away, it was probably afraid of getting its face melted by a beetle. Oskar pounded on the final shark, and Quinn finished it off.

       We had a few seconds left before the giant shark would be back from Oskar's banishment, so we took our time to prepare for the fight. Jak positioned himself to be right where the shark would reappear at, so the moment it materialized, he began pounding on it. The shark bit him, and he responded by punching it some more. Quinn took command of the giant shark, without telling anyone she was planning to do this, or even could do this, and told the shark to swim to her. As it started to swim toward Quinn, I shot it and Jak punched it. Jak's hit to the shark broke Quinn's enchantment on it. It reached Quinn, who seemed unafraid of the thing. She's got to have a couple screws loose to not be afraid of even prepared to defend herself against the fucking giant shark. Needless to say, it bit her. Jak killed it and put it in one of the Stasis Balls.

       Only two crew members survived the assault- the one in the crows nest and the one that had fallen below deck when the hag appeared. We'd have to help pick up some of the slack in order to make it to Neverwinter.

***** Tarsakh 14, Neverwinter

       There was a messenger waiting for us when we arrived in Neverwinter. Professor Smithson had hired the Coldfire Initiative to take us to White Plume Mountain. We'd meet with them in the morning.

       I went to the Tinker's Guild for the night, and ended up scoring this amazing gadget called Talkie Stones! They're similar to Sending Stones, but you can spread the 25 word limit out. They're hella cool! I need to figure out how to replicate them.

***** Tarsakh 15, Neverwinter

       I met up with the others at the Coldfire Initiative first thing in the morning. We were greeted by a tall, ridiculously beautiful elf, with skin so white it's practically translucent, flowing white hair, and pale pink eyes. She introduced herself to us as Ilana Thyra and told us she had a proposition for us. Ilana told us that taking us to the mountain isn't the type the Initiative typically takes, but they already had a contract at the mountain. She told us that if we agreed to find some items and bring them back to her, the Initiative would pay us handsomely. They would also transport us directly to the mountain, so we wouldn't have to spend forever hiking it with a guide. Since it wouldn't interfere with the non-compete piece of our contract with Jackass, we agreed; we were to find a trident, a greatsword, and a warhammer.

       Ilana warned us that a red dragon had been spotted in the vicinity of the mountain. I hoped we wouldn't have to fight it, I'm not sure how effective Bumbersnoot and I would be at fighting it, since we both deal in fire. She led us to a teleportation circle and said she'd get us as close to the entrance of the mountain as she could.

       My vision blurred and my innards were doing back flips for the few seconds we were teleporting. As soon as my feet were under me I doubled over and puked my guts out- not literally. I don't think I've ever been as sick as I was in that instance. I used a restoration spell to fix myself up, but damn that was hella horrible.

       We'd ended up about halfway up the mountain. Before we could start moving, we heard something roar in the distance, then saw a brief flash as something went zooming past the plume. It was probably the stupid dragon. We marched about 300 yards up before Oskar and Quinn spotted the entrance to the mountain. As we moved we heard another screech from the dragon as it flew by the plume again. It was circling us. Fanfuckingtastic. Oskar got sick of it circling us and used a spell to amplify his voice, taunting the dragon, who instantly stopped circling and flew toward us.

       I froze in terror when the dragon got close to us- as did everyone, except Oskar. The dragon demanded to know why we were in his territory and blew a little poison cloud at us. Oskar told the dragon that we were here to collect some creatures, so the dragon should just leave us the Hells alone. The dragon laughed at our dwarf and said he saw no tithe for him to claim, but he'd let us live if we brought him the treasure from the depths of mountain. We didn't really agree, Oskar gave him a noncommittal response, but the dragon seemed to think we were agreeing and let us continue on our way.

       We entered White Plume Mountain through a small chamber that had a badly rusted spiral staircase, that looked fairly sturdy; so we sent Jak down it first to see if it would hold his weight. The place smelled almost swampy- it was humid, hot, and smelled hella nasty. When we got to the bottom of the staircase, we found ourselves standing in a foot of water. I was glad I was on Bumbersnoot, I wouldn't want to be up to my waist in that nasty ass water, though I didn't like the idea of any of that nasty water messing up his gears. Quinn cast a water walking spell on us, so we wouldn't have to splash around in that gunk. Then she pulled Steve out of her bag and let him swim around in that nasty shit.

       Eventually we came to an intersection, so Jak moved to peak around the corner, and slammed his face into an invisible wall. Then a gynosphinx dropped into the middle of the intersection and asked Jak if he was there for employment. After he said he wasn't, she told us we had to answer a riddle to get past her. Apparently none of us are good with riddles, so Oskar dispelled the magic wall that was keeping us back.

       The gynosphinx attacked, she turned invisible and we saw blood fly from Jak as she ripped into him. Then Oskar cast a spell, but either it didn't do anything or she countered it. Jak tossed something in the direction where she'd been when she hit him, but nothing seemed to happen. More gashes appeared on Jak, from above this time. Quinn created an ice knife and sent it to the empty space above Jak, hoping that was where she was- it struck her! Then suddenly Jak was yanked into the air by the rope and grapple he'd thrown at the gynosphinx.

       Bumbersnoot ran me up to the intersection, and I pulled out one of my cymbal monkies and tossed it toward the ledge above, that I could just make out. I didn't hear a thud or anything, so I don't know if it worked. The rope Jak had thrown up there was suddenly slurped up, as if it was a noodle, and the grappling hook was tossed back down to us. Then Oskar was lifted into the air by her- but Jak grabbed onto his leg- and she got them toward the top of the shaft she was in, and dropped them. Quinn sent a magic bolt up to the sphinx, but it hit Oskar in the back of the head instead... he thought the gynosphinx had shit on him.

       I tossed another cymbal monkey, but again I couldn't tell if it actually did anything. Oskar tossed another rope and wrapped his arms tight around it. I saw gashes form on Oskar from the gynosphinx, and the water began splashing like nuts, until she yanked Oskar up into the shaft. Quinn walked up to the intersection and misty stepped up to him, then Jak jumped up and pulled himself onto the ledge. Bumbersnoot and I can't climb, and neither of us can really jump, so we were stuck in the empty corridor, hoping the rest of the group was okay.

       Being stuck sitting and waiting while everyone else is fighting for their lives right above you seriously sucks. After a few seconds Oskar fell back down the hole, Bumbersnoot and I hurried up to the dwarf and healed him. Just as I'd finished helping him, Quinn appeared and fell face down in the water- good thing she can breathe underwater. Then Jak landed right on top of her, and his grappling hook followed, hitting him square in the head.

       A frying pan followed the grappling hook, just barely missing Jak. Oskar said she'd throw the kitchen sink at us next, and she yelled in pure rage "I don't have one!" She followed the frying pan, landing on Jak and crushing him into Quinn. Bumbersnoot moved in for a bite, but just missed her. Jak was struggling beneath her, and couldn't get himself free- she dropped him.

       I tossed a Stasis Ball at her, but it missed, so Bumbersnoot bit her and I slashed her with my quickrazor- we killed her! Then Oskar decided to revive her before tossing- and missing- her with another Stasis Ball. She slashed at Oskar as she moved to get up, so I tossed another ball at her and missed, but Bumbersnoot bit into her hard, distracting her enough that Oskar was able to capture her with a ball. Oskar and I revived Quinn and Jak.

       We needed a rest, so the others decided that we should go up to the gynosphinx's lair to sleep. Since Bumbersnoot and I couldn't climb up there, I spent the next hour building a lift system so we could be hauled up there.

       After about twenty minutes Jak- who was on watch- heard some vices below us and spotted some bugbears. Jak jumped down and crushed one of them to death, killed another one, and stunned a third. Oskar jumped down after him and killed a third one. I hit one with my acid beetle, and Quinn finished him off. We now had three dead bugbears and one dying bugbear.

       Fifty minutes later Jak heard four more bugbears, and he again jumped down to kill two more, Oskar killed a third, and Quinn and I killed the fourth. If this keeps up we're never getting any fucking sleep.

       An hour later, when Oskar was on watch, he heard the sloshing of oozes in the tunnel below, and one started climbing up the wall toward him. Bumbersnoot came and got me- since he doesn't require sleep he was helping Oskar keep watch. I saw Oskar slash at the ooze and Bumbersnoot got me into range to toss an exploding mouse at it- I accidentally hit Oskar too. The Quinn shot frost at it, and it moved to engulf Oskar while he attempted to hit it with his hammer. Bumbersnoot used his steam breath at the ooze and I sent another exploding mouse at it. Quinn used another ice knife and hit Oskar. Critical Bumbersnoot and I made the kill!

       Twenty minutes later a group of ogres passed underneath us. Quinn was going to hide, but Bumbersnoot knocked an ear against the wall when he was peaking over, and they saw him. The ogres began climbing each other to get to us, so Critical Bumbersnoot and I killed the first one; then Quinn and Jak killed the last two. After that, we decided to be extra careful about our watches so we could actually get some fucking sleep. It's hella annoying being woken up every five fucking minutes because some stupid ass thing is passing below us.

       Near the end of Quinn's watch, Steve, who was down below in the murky water, spotted some leather clad figures in the distance. Quinn decided to jump down and get her octopus, and scrambled to get herself back up there, leaving a smearing of algae on the wall up to the shaft. 

       My watch went peacefully. At one point Bumbersnoot and I heard some voices below, and I saw some humanoid figures in leathers below us. I don't think they saw me.

Photo from Tales of the Yawning Portal by Wizards of the Coast

Map from "Tales from the Yawning Portal" by Wizards of the Coast

*Author's note: Many of the events, locations and characters that occur in this story are from Tales from the Yawning Portal by Wizards of the Coast. 

Tales from Toril- The Underdark Escapees: Book One, Chapter Forty

Into the Abyss Part 1:
The Arena

Dramatis Personae:

Lady Claire Callalily Thundersword-Petunia, the Human Wererat Swordcaptain of the Purple Dragon Knights

Riddle, Claire's baby basilisk

Hans, Claire's Basalt Wolf Figurine

Urthstripe. Claire's Alabaster Badger Figurine

Rosebud Goldenrod Petunia, the Halftaur Wererat Berserker, "The Destroyer;" who sees magic where there is none and collects things that aren't there

Lily Trillium Petunia, the Green Dragonborn Lore Bard, and mother of the Petunia clan; champion of the Living Dungeon

Astrid Oleander Rockham-Petunia, the Longstrider Shifter Evocation Wizard

Calipso, Astrid's Lizard Familiar

Seluna, the Moon Elf Drow Totem Warrior Circle of the Moon Druid and Silverstar of Selûne

Niles Rubusthorn, the Moon Elf Shadow Dancer

Geophry Cherry Blossom Petunia, the chair that used to be a boy

Amin of Citadel Adbar, the Shield Dwarf Alchemist

Lith, the Bronze Dragonborn Scholar

Fitzzle, Lith's violet faerie dragon familiar

Flimflam Pebblehead-Petunia, the Deep Gnome Arcanist who has to collect everything he finds

Arwenel, the Elf Scholar

Alfalfa Cover Petunia, the Halftaur "Crocling" Wererat Fighter, formerly Rosebud's other half who can't take anything seriously and thinks he's the greatest at everything

Comrades we have lost:

Ront, the Orc Fighter- turned into hamburger by Pwent

Buppido, the Derro- smashed by Orvald

Eldeth Feldrun, the Shield Dwarf- killed during escape

Hera Adaar, the Abyssal Tiefling Wild Sorceress- swept away

Luna Trelawny, the Human Divination Wizard- skull caved in by rock thrown by Fidget, then finished off by black pudding

Sarith Zekarit, the Drow Scout- drowned

Phillip Johnson, the Human Cleric- in a seemingly irreversible coma, left in Hemeth's care

Jim Jar, the Deep Gnome- eaten by grell

Prince Derendil, the Quaggoth- killed by sea troll

Shuushar, the "Awakened" Kuo-toa- turned into shuushi by sea troll

Hemeth, the Duergar Arms Dealer- parted with group in Gracklstugh met group briefly on route to Mantol Derith for trade

Thimblepwent Battlehammer, the Dwarven Battlerager Barbarian- turned into dog food

Orvald Abershaw, the Mousefolk Barbarian- became a squeaky toy last seen in Bahamutsville under Zin-carla attacked the party at a gateway they found

Zenit 'Dracon, the Drow Fighter- abandoned the party because Orvald died last seen in Bahamutsville attacked the party at a gateway they found

Lythana Belmyr, the Half-Drow Blood Hunter of Eilistraee- sacrificed to Demogorgon

Codsworth, the polite Flumph- shredded by crossbow

Zarrus, the Tiefling Favored Soul Sorcerer of Mephisto- vanished during gnoll fight

Ol' Sparky, the Deep Dragon- last seen thrown into a portal to the Abyss by a glabrezu

Aura, the Air Genasi Storm Sorceress- accidental self-vaporization (bitch blew herself up)

Kyri, the Minotaur Scout- vaporized by a jackass

Fidget Stonegear, the Deep Gnome Inventor- big badda boom 

Miarielle, the Lythari Priestess of Corellon- bigger badda boom

Glabbagool, the Gelatinous Cube- stayed with the kobolds

Kara Reginleif, the Half-Valkyrie Wererat Champion from the Zhentarim- vorpaled to pieces by demon Easter bunnies

Rumpadump, the Myconid Child- frozen by demon Easter bunny was raised by Mezzem and went missing, it is believed that Stool ate him

Sajin Silvertongue, the Deep Gnome Wererat Assassin- got stoned and kissed a pretty Medusa

Yklwa, Tali's Deinonychus animal companion- devoured by corbies

Natali, the Tiger Therinthrope Beastmaster- wished herself home

Roswyn Darkshooter, the Deep Gnome Delver- grick kibble

Mezzem, the Kobold Wererat Priestess of Bahamu- stayed in Blingdenstone

Vadania Nailaza, the Wild Elf Oakroot of Rillifane Rallathil- dust in the wind

Thecker Powdercraft, the Deep Gnome Wererat Gunslinger and Inquisitor of Bahamut- retired in Blingdenstone

Stool, the Myconid Child- stayed in Blingdenstone

Galothel Nightbreeze, the Moon Elf Alchemist- MIA after the Battle of Blingdenstone

Topsy and Turvy Goldwhiskers, the Deep Gnome Wererat Rogue Twins- stayed in Blingdenstone

Kazul, the Copper  Platinum Dragonborn Shadow Monk of Bahamut- skull caved in by another rock from Fidget was restored to life by her god- MIA after Astrid's wish

Twyla Alderleaf, the Moon Elf Scout- MIA after Astrid's wish

Mithrilye, the Sun Elf Entertainer who will do anything to achieve her goals, and believes that anything that can bring her pleasure should be enjoyed immediately, not saved until later- MIA after Astrid's wish, believed to be trapped in the Abyss

Friendly Fire: 272

NOTE: Things will be mostly from Claire's perspective, anything with italics is from a third party, since the knight can't be everywhere at once.

***** Nightal 5, 1489 DR (The Year of the Warrior Princess), Neverwinter

       We realized that Alfie wasn't with us, he had run away when Momma had scared him for trying to bite him. Retracing our steps, we eventually found my brother cowering in fear in the top room of the pyramid- a room that was quickly filling with smoke. Momma said the only way we could get out would be to plane shift, and Lith said she could protect us for a few seconds in the Feywild. Momma cast the spell, and I felt a lurch, as if I'd been shifted to the left without moving; it was an odd sensation.

       We were in a large, cold, finely but sparsely decorated foyer, with torches that glittered in an icy blue light. All of the eyes in the portraits shifted to gaze at us, and every statue began advancing on us. Thankfully Momma was able to move us out of there, and to the Tower before they could do anything.

       Seluna told us that about two blocks of the city were on fire because of us, and she cast out about a hundred different seeds so the forest wouldn't take to heavy of a loss in the rebuilding that would now have to happen.

***** Nightal 6, Neverwinter

       In the morning we divvied up the mummy's hoard, and Astrid found something that made her give Flimflam that stupid ring. Momma and Rosebud went into the city to get some shopping done so we could leave; I stayed behind to finish the Tome Momma had bought me, and Astrid needed to copy her spells into her new book. When they returned they said there was going to be an auction that night that we needed to attend.

       I left a little early for the auction so I could mail a few letters. I sent letters to Elle's pack, Kara's mercenary group, and Vadania's village telling them what happened and the heroic actions my friends had done that led to their deaths. I also sent one to Kazul's temple telling them of her death in Bahamutsville. I left out the part about her being brought back, because she was trapped in the Abyss, and because she isn't Kazul anymore. The final letter I sent was to my mother in Cormyr, telling her that I was very much alive, explaining that the Deck of Many Things is what led them to give up on me, and telling her I very much wanted to come home, but I wanted to resume my life. I couldn't resume my life in the Thundersword family or in the Army of the Purple Dragon while I was considered dead. I whispered a prayer to Torm that my family would reverse this and let me come home.

       Momma ended up buying out the entire auction, and we got some wonderful goods for the money.

***** Nightal 7, Neverwinter

       I needed twelve more hours to finish the Tome Momma had gotten me, and I really wanted to finish it before we went to the Abyss- which worked well, since Astrid was still working on adding her spells to the new book we'd gotten from the hoard.

       Momma and Rosebud went back into town to pick up and order and finish up any last minute shopping. A wizard from the auction the night before jumped Momma in an alley, so Momma teleported them all back to the Tower and attempted to bind the wizard. He escaped and turned Rosebud into a chicken, then Astrid into a rabbit. Once Momma dispelled the magic that made Astrid a rabbit, he adopted Astrid into our odd little family.

***** Nightal 8, Neverwinter

       We were finally ready to go to the Abyss to find Mithrilye, and possibly Not-Kazul. After a little debate, it was decided that Flimflam, Geophry, and Seluna would accompany us there; Alfie threw a tantrum and stormed off when we told him he had to stay in the Tower. Amin made us some amazing potions before we left, and I asked Lith to take care of Riddle for me; I whispered a prayer to Torm that he wouldn't be permanently in her care.

       Finally we made the shift, but it was different this time. Just as our destination began to take shape, we felt as if we were shunted to a different location. Flimflam was a little sick when we arrived- in an arena in the middle of a feast. In the ring were a couple groups of slaves, some fighting, and some fucking- we were definitely in Graz'zt's realm, and right next to the weird orgy.

       There was a gasp of surprise from the audience, followed by applause; I think they thought we were there on purpose. We were in a hazy landscape, and we could almost make out a tree line in the distance, but it seemed pretty far off. Momma said "greetings from the Material Plane," and apologized for interrupting their party. A female lamia told everyone to clear the stage, and asked what we were doing here- I think she may have been the host, considering how quickly the slaves moved at her command.

       Momma gave her an odd description of what we were doing there, saying we were looking for a couple of missing slaves of hers. The lamia told us to come and enjoy her hospitality before discussing our plight; Momma started to move toward her, but was stopped by guards, and the demon harshly told us we'd speak later.

       With that, the fights resumed, and a small group of adventurers was destroyed by a displacer beast. Momma started bragging that Rosebud or I could easily take the beast- then Rosebud said he could with one hand tied behind his back. She told us that if we all fought her creatures and won we would receive safe passage out of there.

       Rosebud went first, fighting that displacer beast with one hand tied behind his back. Of course, my brother won that fight. Next up went Flimflam and Geophry, against a doppelganger; they won their fight too, with Flimflam shouting to the crowd that he would murder everyone. Astrid was next up, fighting against a cockatrice, and she disintegrated it right away.

       My fight did not go as well as my sibling's fights had. I was fighting a demon ape thing- I think Momma said at one point that they're call balguras. It was creepy as hell, and we exchanged blows for what felt like forever, before the thing pinned me down. The last thing I remember is pain and my vision darkening. Claire was dead, so Rosebud ran into the arena to avenge his sister and bring her body back to Lily for revival. He defeated the ape, declared himself "Bud, the Crusher of Rapist Demon Apes," and got Claire's body back just in time. I came to with Momma shoving potions down my throat, telling me I'd died for a couple of seconds, but not long enough for the ritual that's illegal according to Cormyrean law.

       Munching on some bread, I turned my attention back to the arena in time to see a very familiar platinum dragonborn walking in. Not-Kazul was here, and seemed to be in a daze. Astrid asked me if I was okay, and since I'd already made peace with the real Kazul being dead, and this platinum version being an impostor, I didn't really care. Not-Kazul was fighting a unicorn... that wouldn't go well for her, no matter how the fight ended. After exchanging blows for a moment, Not-Kazul killed the unicorn, and with a burst of energy it became a nightmare. Not-Kazul's scales took on a tarnished look, it seemed Bahamut was punishing her, which makes sense since killing a unicorn is a completely evil deed.

       Momma named himself his champion and said he wanted to fight Not-Kazul. Momma grabbed her right away, turned her into a mouse, and sucked her into his iron flask. It was very anti-climactic, except for Alfie popping out of the flask the moment Momma opened it. Apparently the little shit had hidden himself in there so he could come with us.

       After that we just had to watch the shows for a couple of hours before the lamia decided to let us leave. The safe passage she was granting us through her lands ended right outside the arena- of course.

       Momma thought that Mithrilye was in one of Graz'zt's towers, and did some sort of spell with an amulet that indicated we should head toward the forest, that was so far away we could barely make out its existence. With that big of a distance to travel, we began to brainstorm ways to travel faster, but were interrupted when Alfie began throwing stars at Momma. Momma was furious and summoned his Hand, scooping my strange little brother up in it, bringing him over to him, and spanking him with the Hand. Alfie's ass was broken, and he was really fucked up. I took the Robe of Stars away from him per Momma's request.

       As we traveled I heard Geophry telling Rosebud to make a song about me being humped to death by the demon ape... the song was awful. When that got shut down, he started picking on Alfie; for some reason, Geophry cannot stand our new brother.

       Eventually we stopped and made camp, the Hut was really crowded with so many of us. While we rested, Momma put something called a Geas on Alfie to make him like him. These random attacks on Momma were getting very irritating to all of us.

***** Nightal 9, Azzagrat, 45th Layer

       It took us a little while to figure out which direction we had been traveling in last night, the landscape here kind of blended together. Rosebud had left a mark on the ground, outside our Hut, but it had gotten a little smudged in the night. Thankfully, Momma was able to determine which was we needed to go.

       After eight hours of walking, I dropped to the ground from exhaustion. I don't know why I was suddenly so wiped out, but I just couldn't walk another step. As I stumbled, we felt a rumbling in the ground, but before we could react to that, there was a familiar screech and a vrock dove at us. Shit. This was not a good time for this.

       Rosebud threw his hammers at the fiend just before it stunned him, Astrid, Alfie, and Chairy. One vrock dove at Astrid and another went for Rosebud; I rose, stumbled to the vrock that was attacking Astrid, and slashed it with my whip. Flimflam pointed his staff at the vrock on Rosebud and used plane shift to send it somewhere. It ended up in the Celestial Plane. 

       Seluna cast something on me that made me feel much better, and Momma attempted to turn a vrock into a mouse; instead, poison came out of it, poisoning Alfie and Geophry. The rumbling had been getting louder and louder during all of this, and suddenly a minotaur looking thing came charging in, spearing Momma on his horn, and punching him off. Momma didn't die, but he didn't look too god either. Momma told us later that this thing was a goristro called Orwantz who acted as border patrol for Graz'zt.

       I finished off the vrock and went for Orwantz, hitting him once with my blade. Flimflam used the plane shift on Orwantz, hoping to send him to the Celestial Plane as well. We collected ourselves, and about a minute passed before Orwantz returned; we'd hoped since the vrock hadn't come back that he wouldn't either. He speared Flimflam, and my brother crumpled in his seat- he seemed to be dying. Shit.

       I ran up to it and channeled my anger at it through my blade, hitting it with several vicious attacks and bashing it with Demon's Mirror, my shield. Seluna slashed at it with her blade, and even though it somehow- magically- drew no blood, the demon screamed in pain from her assault. Rosebud blew his horn and summoned his gargoyles, who instantly surrounded the beast. Astrid screamed at it, and Alfie- having been given back his Robe of Stars because of the Geas- tossed two stars at it. Orwantz slammed his foot into the ground, causing tremors to ripple out around us; they fucking hurt, and Astrid went down.

       Seluna, Rosebud, and I continued beating him, and it seemed to be hurting him, but he didn't seem to be injured enough yet to start wavering. As I felt my injuries knit closed from Momma's healing magic, it stomped its foot again, making us all stumble back. That quake must have messed up my balance a little bit, because my next series of strikes pinged off his armor; except my shield, but it doesn't do much damage on its own. Seluna hurried to revive Astrid, and Orwantz slashed her as she moved away, I retaliated with a strike of my own on him,

       As we continued slashing at it, it moved like it was going to charge Seluna, but instead went for Momma, hitting both him and Chairy with a nasty blow. Geophry toppled over and Momma was thrown about twenty feet away. Then the fucker went to stab behind Alfie. I followed it and began another series of strikes against it; between my strikes and Rosebud's- which were fueled by pure hatred at the sight of what this thing had done to our family- it was bleeding profusely and swaying on its feet. It shoved me aside and went for Seluna and Astrid, both of them dropped from the attack. Momma revived both of them, and after a bunch more blows, it finally went down. We saw its soul fly off, but knew it would be back eventually.

       Flimflam was completely dead, so Seluna had to reincarnate him. He turned into a selkie, which Momma said are elves that turn into seals; his new forms were peculiar.

       We only traveled for another hour, to get some distance between us and Orwantz, before Momma set up the Hut so we could get some rest; that had been an exhausting battle.

       Geophry offered Alfie a draw from the Deck of Many Things, and he chose two cards. The first one he drew was Ruin, luckily for him he didn't really have anything. Alfie's second draw was the Moon, and he got two wishes. First he wished for normal sized arms, and suddenly he had halfing-looking arms that were super buff. His second wish was beneficial to all of us: "I wish the demons couldn't hurt all of us, like all the time, as much." Hopefully that would make the demons unable to hurt us as easily.

Photo owned by Wizards of the Coast, artwork by Jared Blando.

Image courtesy of thecampaign20xx.blogspot.com/

*Author's note: Many of the events, locations and characters that occur in this story are from the Out of the Abyss Adventure Module by Wizards of the Coast. Anything with an asterisk next to it is a quote from the book.

Tales from Toril- The Underdark Escapees: Book One, Chapter Thirty-Nine

Bean Troubles

Dramatis Personae:

Lady Claire Thundersword-Petunia, the Human Wererat Swordcaptain of the Purple Dragon Knights

Riddle, Claire's baby basilisk

Hans, Claire's Basalt Wolf Figurine

Urthstripe. Claire's Alabaster Badger Figurine

Rosebud Goldenrod Petunia, the Halftaur Wererat Berserker, "The Destroyer;" who sees magic where there is none and collects things that aren't there

Lily Trillium Petunia, the Green Dragonborn Lore Bard, and mother of the Petunia clan; champion of the Living Dungeon

Astrid Rockham, the Longstrider Shifter Evocation Wizard

Calipso, Astrid's Lizard Familiar
Mezzem, the Kobold Wererat Priestess of Bahamut astral projected in to help

Seluna, the Moon Elf Drow Totem Warrior Circle of the Moon Druid and Silverstar of Selûne

Niles Rubusthorn, the Moon Elf Shadow Dancer

Geophry Cherry Blossom Petunia, the chair that used to be a boy

Amin of Citadel Adbar, the Shield Dwarf Alchemist

Lith, the Bronze Dragonborn Scholar

Fitzzle, Lith's violet faerie dragon familiar

Flimflam Pebblehead-Petunia, the Deep Gnome Arcanist who has to collect everything he finds

Arwenel, the Elf Scholar

Alfalfa Cover Petunia, the Centling legged "Crocling" Wererat Fighter, formerly Rosebud's other half who can't take anything seriously and thinks he's the greatest at everything

Comrades we have lost:

Ront, the Orc Fighter- turned into hamburger by Pwent

Buppido, the Derro- smashed by Orvald

Eldeth Feldrun, the Shield Dwarf- killed during escape

Hera Adaar, the Abyssal Tiefling Wild Sorceress- swept away

Luna Trelawny, the Human Divination Wizard- skull caved in by rock thrown by Fidget, then finished off by black pudding

Sarith Zekarit, the Drow Scout- drowned

Phillip Johnson, the Human Cleric- in a seemingly irreversible coma, left in Hemeth's care

Jim Jar, the Deep Gnome- eaten by grell

Prince Derendil, the Quaggoth- killed by sea troll

Shuushar, the "Awakened" Kuo-toa- turned into shuushi by sea troll

Hemeth, the Duergar Arms Dealer- parted with group in Gracklstugh met group briefly on route to Mantol Derith for trade

Thimblepwent Battlehammer, the Dwarven Battlerager Barbarian- turned into dog food

Orvald Abershaw, the Mousefolk Barbarian- became a squeaky toy last seen in Bahamutsville under Zin-carla attacked the party at a gateway they found

Zenit 'Dracon, the Drow Fighter- abandoned the party because Orvald died last seen in Bahamutsville attacked the party at a gateway they found

Lythana Belmyr, the Half-Drow Blood Hunter of Eilistraee- sacrificed to Demogorgon

Codsworth, the polite Flumph- shredded by crossbow

Zarrus, the Tiefling Favored Soul Sorcerer of Mephisto- vanished during gnoll fight

Ol' Sparky, the Deep Dragon- last seen thrown into a portal to the Abyss by a glabrezu

Aura, the Air Genasi Storm Sorceress- accidental self-vaporization (bitch blew herself up)

Kyri, the Minotaur Scout- vaporized by a jackass

Fidget Stonegear, the Deep Gnome Inventor- big badda boom 

Miarielle, the Lythari Priestess of Corellon- bigger badda boom

Glabbagool, the Gelatinous Cube- stayed with the kobolds

Kara Reginleif, the Half-Valkyrie Wererat Champion from the Zhentarim- vorpaled to pieces by demon Easter bunnies

Rumpadump, the Myconid Child- frozen by demon Easter bunny was raised by Mezzem and went missing

Sajin Silvertongue, the Deep Gnome Wererat Assassin- got stoned and kissed a pretty Medusa

Yklwa, Tali's Deinonychus animal companion- devoured by corbies

Natali, the Tiger Therinthrope Beastmaster- wished herself home

Roswyn Darkshooter, the Deep Gnome Delver- grick kibble

Mezzem, the Kobold Wererat Priestess of Bahamut- stayed in Blingdenstone

Vadania Nailaza, the Wild Elf Oakroot of Rillifane Rallathil- dust in the wind

Thecker Powdercraft, the Deep Gnome Wererat Gunslinger and Inquisitor of Bahamut- retired in Blingdenstone

Stool, the Myconid Child- stayed in Blingdenstone

Galothel Nightbreeze, the Moon Elf Alchemist- MIA after the Battle of Blingdenstone

Topsy and Turvy Goldwhiskers, the Deep Gnome Wererat Rogue Twins- stayed in Blingdenstone

Kazul, the Copper  Platinum Dragonborn Shadow Monk of Bahamut- skull caved in by another rock from Fidget was restored to life by her god- MIA after Astrid's wish

Twyla Alderleaf, the Moon Elf Scout- MIA after Astrid's wish

Mithrilye, the Sun Elf Entertainer who will do anything to achieve her goals, and believes that anything that can bring her pleasure should be enjoyed immediately, not saved until later- MIA after Astrid's wish, believed to be trapped in the Abyss

Friendly Fire: 270

Party members killed: 24

Overall party members lost: 40

NOTE: Things will be mostly from Claire's perspective, anything with italics is from a third party, since the knight can't be everywhere at once.

***** Nightal 5, 1489 DR (The Year of the Warrior Princess), Neverwinter

       Twelve shriekers appeared around Geophry, as two huge geysers erupted- one of tea, the other of beer. A statue of me and a statue of Momma appeared and each started berating us as twenty-two pink frogs appeared; they began turning into things as they bounced around. Then the ground began to rumble a, making Lith, Geophry, Flimflam, and Alfie fall over as a massive tree appeared, destroying the statue of me; it was a treant that had eyes only for Alfie.

       Rosebud crashed into the statue of Momma, destroying it for lying about him. Momma shot a beam of bluish energy at the treant, and Lith lashed out with her whip. Alfie backed away from the treant, and two frogs turned into displacer beasts, one scored hits on Alfie and Rosebud, while the other completely missed Lith. This room was quickly filling with all sorts of peculiar beasts. Alfie tossed out a fireball- I don't know where he got that ability- and killed several of the beasts, though the flames also caused a bunch more frogs to change. Flimflam tossed a lightning bolt at the treant, killing it and a bunch of other beasts, then he followed up with a double fireball, which killed everything except the mimic.

       Lith and Flimflam began casting ice spells to try to put out the fire he'd started, when we heard an otherworldly scream from the shop above, that was quickly silenced. The mimic was full of gold, and we took it to the room below us to sort out later. The room was very small and cramped, so Momma shrunk Geophry and Flimflam to make room; though it probably would have made more sense to shrink Rosebud.

       In Blingdenstone, Bahamut came to Mezzem and told her that Kazul was in trouble. He offered her the ability to astral project to the party to warn them, which she accepted. Mezzem appeared in the burning room above the party, and tripped, landing face-first at Lily's feet in the room below. 

       Suddenly, out of nowhere a silvery, translucent Mezzem was lying at Lily's feet. Apparently this day was not done being strange. Mezzem announced to us that Not-Kazul was in trouble, she was trapped in the Abyss. So that's what happened to her, oh well. I told Mezzem we were going there to find Mithrilye anyways, so if we found Not-Kazul, we'd help her probably. I honestly did not care where Not-Kazul was, even if it was the Abyss. Mezzem seemed insistent that we leave for the Abyss right away, but we told her we had to go kill the mummy and finish buying supplies first. I don't know why she cared so much, I don't think they interacted much while we were in Blingdenstone. Maybe Bahamut was pressuring her to go save Not-Kazul.

       Lily realized that the sandstone I was standing on sounded hollow beneath my feet, but there wasn't room for me to move to inspect it, so Rosebud and Lith went into the endless maze to make some room. Mezzem used a crowbar to pry the stone loose, and underneath was a staircase leading down.

       We went down the stairs, and entered another 10x10 room, that was only 5 feet tall, making impossible for most of us to stand upright. The air in the room was damp too, which seemed odd for an ancient mummy tomb. Momma shrank all of us so we'd fit in the stupid room, and Astrid announced one of the walls was a trap. It wasn't... so while Momma yelled at her for being an idiot, Rosebud began pounding on the very obvious doorway.

       When Rosebud had finished bashing the door in, we were standing before a long, dark hallway. As we began moving down the hall, Rosebud heard the sound of Alfie eating something, and discovered there were poisonous snakes swarming out of the walls. They went for Momma and I, so while Rosebud began swinging at the ones on Momma, Alfie began slurping down the snakes on me as if they were noodles. Astrid sent a bolt of flame at the ones on me, and I was able to finish them off. Momma produced a flute that seemed to piss off the snakes- though I doubt that was the intention. Mezzem thought it would be a good idea to hit Momma with her pillar of radiance to hit the snakes, but she hit Momma in the process. Alfie began slurping down the snakes on Momma, and Astrid finished them off with another bolt of fire.

       Eventually we came upon another staircase, and at the bottom of it the air felt even damper; but this room was a little bit larger. In this room were two enormous statues of vipers, that were disturbingly lifelike; almost as if they were two actual vipers that had been dipped in gold. Rosebud grabbed one of the statues and tried to wiggle it, but it wouldn't budge. Momma told him that they were full of some sort of transmutation magic and all of us needed to leave them the Hells alone.

       There were a couple of doors in the viper room, so Rosebud and I each broke one of them down; they both led to hallways with dead ends. We both called out that we were looking for potential doorways when Momma called out to us.

       While Rosebud and Claire had been searching for the way to go, the snakes began to glow red. They animated and lunged forward. Lily cried out to Claire and Rosebud that the snakes were active. Then he set off a lightning bolt that hit both of the snakes, turning them into two piles of molten gold and charred viper. As Rosebud turned around to aid his Momma, he set off a trap in the hallway, and then Lily stepped into the hallway to stop him, setting off a dart trap. 

       Astrid came into my hallway, and told me that the snakes had been disposed of. She found a pressure plate in the hall, and hit it with her spectral hand spell- the little one, not the giant purple evil. Apparently she wasn't far enough away when she pushed it though, she cried out in pain and was suddenly blinded and deafened. Momma came over to our hall and turned that trap off while Mezzem fixed Astrid.

       When we went back into the snake room Rosebud was trying to harvest the liquid gold, splashing it around everywhere. Geophry jumped in it and began leaving little gold footprints everywhere, giggling wildly. Then Alfie snapped his jaws in the gold, giving himself gold plated teeth. My brothers are insane... Chairy called our "gold ball fight!" and started chucking gold balls and Rosebud and I. Thankfully Momma came out of the hallway after that, putting an end to that. He had found the way out in the hallway Rosebud had been in. All the while Mezzem kept reminding us that Not-Kazul was in trouble, as if she expected us to leave the mummy tomb and just pop over to the Abyss straight away.
.
       Rosebud broke down the doorway that Momma had found, and the other side was hazy, almost like we were looking at an illusion; he kept swinging and hit Momma. Rosebud was then charmed by a pair of glowing eyes on the other side of the doorway. Mezzem tried to hold Rosebud with magic, but he broke out of the hold and swung at Momma again, his intent clear. Shit. Astrid tried to do something to counter the charm, but I don't think it worked. Lith tried to turn Rosebud into something else, which also didn't work, but Momma managed to succeed in breaking the charm. It was weird that Rosebud overcame those magics, he normally can't break out of spells like the hold Mezzem used.

       My brother turned to attack whatever was on the other side of the doorway, and stopped short- I think it was trying to charm him again, but he seemed to push through. The thing that charmed him was a skeletal snake, that began to slither into the room. Rosebud hacked at it and I finished the beast off, but just before it died it said "master will devour your souls for disturbing his rest." That's a little creepy.

       Flimflam and Geophry were charmed by something lurking in the next room, and Flimflam followed his instruction to attack. Flimflam tossed two lightning bolts down the hallway, hitting everyone except me, and then both he and Chairy vanished. Lith was so badly burned that she collapsed, and Astrid looked like she was about to. Something must have charmed those little shits too. Rosebud and I hurried into the room and began working on breaking down the walls.

       As Flimflam kept throwing spells at us, I frantically beat on the section of wall right in front of me. Astrid saw through the illusory wall that Rosebud was working on, and discovered a bone naga. This seemed to help Rosebud realize it wasn't a real wall, because he began beating on the naga right after- with Astrid finishing it off.

       Mezzem and Lily could see Flimflam and Geophry, and Lith had a pretty good idea of where they were at. The kobold sent her spirit blade after Flimflam, right before he used a Prismatic Spray that did nasty damage to Claire and Lith, hurt Rosebud a little, and the bulk of the damage hit Lily. Alfie saw this as an opportunity to attack Lily and ran over to him, grabbing his leg and attempting to gnaw on it, but he couldn't get a good enough grip to actually do anything. Lith charmed Alfie to make him stop chewing on Lily and sit down like a good little boy. 

       Lily was quickly turning to stone from Flimflam's spray, and there was nothing Mezzem could do to help him until he was solid. Geophry and Flimflam reappeared, and Geophry dropped a vitriolic sphere at Astrid's feet, badly injuring both her and Lith. Flimflam followed up with double lightning bolts to Rosebud and Astrid, and Astrid dropped unconscious. 

       I was still working on breaking down that wall- which would have been so much easier if I still had my Rod- when suddenly a snake head darted through it and snapped at me. At that moment, I realized that the wall I'd been working so hard to break down was a fucking illusion. I could have been protecting my little adopted family all this time, but instead I was beating on nothing. I could have kicked myself. Instead, I swung at the snake, and stumbled, missing it completely.

       Mezzem attempted to Banish the boys, but Flimflam's ioun stone negated her spell, keeping the little terrors there. Lith grabbed one of Lily's beads of force from his pocket, since he wasn't completely stone yet, and hurled it at Flimflam and Geophry; trapping them and Astrid, who had been too close to them. Astrid dropped a fireball in the sphere, where they shouldn't be able to avoid it- but somehow Flimflam was completely untouched. Whatever had been keeping them charmed was gone, but the little monsters decided to retaliate against Astrid anyway. Between the two of them Astrid was down again. 

       I looked into the eyes of the snake thing in the room, and felt compelled to wait beside it for the opportune moment to attack someone. That opportunity presented itself right away, when Rosebud came crashing in through the wall- a real wall this time. Turns out there was a little hallway connecting this room to the one he had been in. I swung at my adoptive brother and got in a good hit. Then he said "I'm telling Momma," and ran away from me. Coward.

       Lily was finally completely stone, so Mezzem fixed him; he was seething with rage at Flimflam and Geophry for what they'd done. He told both of them that if they ever did anything like that again, he would turn them into paste. Somehow Alfie didn't see his mother's rage as a sign that he shouldn't try to gnaw on him again, and bolted into for another leg chomp. Lily turned his head slowly toward the crocling, and gave him a look that made his blood freeze. Alfie wet himself and ran out of the room in sheer terror at the sight of the frozen rage in his mother's eyes.

       Hearing that Claire had been charmed, Lith lashed out with her whip at the naga that was keeping Claire charmed, and broke its concentration- Claire's mind was her own again. My head suddenly cleared and I realized what I'd just done. Shit. The snake thing stared at me again, but nothing happened; from the shudder I heard from Lith, I think it tried the same trick on her. With its failure, the snake thingy told us that our souls were forfeit, and its master would devour us all. I'm pretty sure another dead snake thing said the same thing to us; they really need more diverse material, the same threat over and over is rather boring. Before I could do anything, Rosebud charged into the room and went crazy smashing the thing, until it was more dust than anything.

       I heard that Geophry attacked Astrid after he was no longer charmed, and confronted the little shit about it. He of course claimed that he was still under a charm; when I pointed out that he probably was trying to kill Astrid to steal her ring, he denied it, shrieking at me in that obnoxious, shrill little voice of his. Before our argument really got anywhere, Momma cast something that silenced us, and then something to calm us down. Feeling better, I looked around and realized Alfie was gone, though Momma didn't say where he'd vanished to.

       Momma found a section of wall in that odd little hallway that seemed like it was supposed to slide. Rosebud pushed it open, and we were hit with a gust of damp air before we could see the staircase he'd revealed. Mezzem and I were the last ones in line, but before we could go down, the doorway vanished. I began hacking at it, but without my Rod I didn't have any blunt weapons. Mezzem used the spell that lets her move stone around, but it didn't get us too far, since the wall was apparently over five feet thick- which is as much as she can do at a time. She pulled out her mace, and I grabbed it since I am much stronger than the priestess.

       The others were working their way down the stairs, when suddenly the floor fell out from under them, making everyone fall into a puddle of acid. They all made it out of the pool, and found a doorway; Lily opened it and a pair of fists came out, hitting Rosebud. The halftaur began exchanging blows with the unseen enemy. There was a smokey, hazy area of the room that had some charred bodies in it, and Geophry charged over there to see what was happening, while Lith attempted to put the fire out. 

       I eventually broke through the stupid wall, and began going down the stairs- which then came out from under me and I tumbled into a pool of acid. Somehow Mezzem didn't fall on her way down though, so she was able to stay on the stairs and out of the fucking acid. Across the acid pool I saw Rosebud trading blows with a small mummy, which he of course dropped quickly. Momma was dragging some smoldering corpses over to the acid pit, and at the sight of Mezzem and I, he told Chairy to come get us. I fell off and into the pool of acid- which I think he may have nudged me a little, the little shit seems to have it in for me. Momma used a levitation spell to get me out of the acid, and helped me get the acid off.

       Rosebud began attacking the door on the other side of the room, and when that didn't seem to open it, he pulled on the lever-style handle... which opened it. On the other side was an antechamber of sorts with more doors. My brother picked one and kicked it open, revealing a room of large stone bleachers, that led to a path with a large reptilian creature attached to chains and in a pit. Lord Fury, were we facing a dragon mummy? That didn't sound good.

       We began to walk down these bleachers when everything suddenly shuddered, and the bleachers fell away; we were now falling down a thirty or so foot shaft toward something that made an unnerving, guttural growl. We could see a figure through the tunnel, and then everything burned. Lith and Astrid were down by the time the flames had cleared. Shit.

       Rosebud, of course, charged the figure, and it moved to bite him; then it said something none of us could understand, and a wave of rippling black energy emanated from it. Two of the sarcophagi in the room fell over and mummies emerged. As I began exchanging blows with the mummies, I realized I couldn't heal- not even my fucking potions were working. Rosebud had moved to one of the sarcophagi and was trying to hold it closed so we wouldn't be overwhelmed by the underlings- when that failed he tossed the lid aside and destroyed that mummy. Two of the mummies went for the unconscious Lith and Astrid, and breathed water into their lungs. Thankfully Mezzem was able to revive them somehow, I guess whatever was preventing me from healing was gone, or she got around it somehow. The mummies didn't seem to like her helping, and one of them grabbed her and breathed water at her- I retaliated with a stab.

      Astrid realized when she got up that she was blind, but thankfully she was able to see through Calipso's eyes. We continued to exchange blows with the little mummies for a few more breaths, while Momma kept the dragon busy, and finally there was only the big guy left. Momma used that mist step thing to get right above the dragon, and dropped a lightning bolt on it, but it didn't seem to do as much as it should have to it.

       Lith sent a couple bolts of bluish energy at it, as it struck me. Flimflam sent ice breath at it, and Astrid tried something that would drain the water from its body- which it barely seemed to resist. It spewed acid at me and I began stabbing the hell out of it. Momma sent another lightning bolt at it, and it somehow dodged, moving far more nimbly than a creature of its size and undeath should have been able to. Flimflam  grabbed my javelin and tried to use a spell to hurl it, but something in his odd magics prevented that from working.

       As Astrid screamed- literally- at the dragon it spewed more of its acid breath at me. I hate acid. Poor Lith was swimming in acid at this point. I swung in with my sword, and managed to stab it up through the brain, killing it!

       The loot was on a little island, surrounded by more of the stupid acid. Geophry tried to steal Astrid's portable hole, but I saw him and told Momma. Astrid said he could borrow it to get the items, but he had to give it back after- of course the little monster was pissed about that. When he brought back the loot he realized that there were no canopic jars in it, which meant they were stashed elsewhere, and apparently if we didn't destroy those the mummy could come back. Momma thought it was in the giant statue in the room, but when he opened that up all that came out was a swarm of insects- which he hurriedly dispelled.

       There were some stepping stones in the acid pool, and Momma decided that was the only other place they could be. Geophry volunteered, and I put some acid resistant oil on him, then Momma used a spell to make him even more resistant. It took him a minute, but eventually he emerged unscathed from the acid pool, with five jars; Astrid disintegrated them.

       Mezzem started to vanish and called out a final reminder that Not-Kazul was in trouble, though we still didn't care.

Photo owned by Wizards of the Coast, artwork by Jared Blando.

*Author's note: Many of the events, locations and characters that occur in this story are from the Out of the Abyss Adventure Module by Wizards of the Coast. Anything with an asterisk next to it is a quote from the book.

Tales from Toril- The Underdark Escapees: Book One, Chapter Thirty-Eight

The Great Forge

Dramatis Personae:

Lady Claire Thundersword-Petunia, the Human Wererat Swordcaptain of the Purple Dragon Knights

Riddle, Claire's baby basilisk

Hans, Claire's Basalt Wolf Figurine

Urthstripe. Claire's Alabaster Badger Figurine

Rosebud Goldenrod Petunia, the Halftaur Wererat Berserker, "The Destroyer;" who sees magic where there is none and collects things that aren't there

Lily Trillium Petunia, the Green Dragonborn Lore Bard, and mother of the Petunia clan; champion of the Living Dungeon

Astrid Rockham, the Longstrider Shifter Evocation Wizard

Calipso, Astrid's Lizard Familiar

Seluna, the Moon Elf Drow Totem Warrior Circle of the Moon Druid and Silverstar of Selûne

Niles Rubusthorn, the Moon Elf Shadow Dancer

Geophry Cherry Blossom Petunia, the chair that used to be a boy

Amin of Citadel Adbar, the Shield Dwarf Alchemist

Lith, the Bronze Dragonborn Scholar

Fitzzle, Lith's violet faerie dragon familiar

Flimflam Pebblehead-Petunia, the Deep Gnome Arcanist who has to collect everything he finds

Arwenel, the Elf Scholar

Alfalfa Cover Petunia, the Centling Fighter, Rosebud's other half

Comrades we have lost:

Ront, the Orc Fighter- turned into hamburger by Pwent

Buppido, the Derro- smashed by Orvald

Eldeth Feldrun, the Shield Dwarf- killed during escape

Hera Adaar, the Abyssal Tiefling Wild Sorceress- swept away

Luna Trelawny, the Human Divination Wizard- skull caved in by rock thrown by Fidget, then finished off by black pudding

Sarith Zekarit, the Drow Scout- drowned

Phillip Johnson, the Human Cleric- in a seemingly irreversible coma, left in Hemeth's care

Jim Jar, the Deep Gnome- eaten by grell

Prince Derendil, the Quaggoth- killed by sea troll

Shuushar, the "Awakened" Kuo-toa- turned into shuushi by sea troll

Hemeth, the Duergar Arms Dealer- parted with group in Gracklstugh met group briefly on route to Mantol Derith for trade

Thimblepwent Battlehammer, the Dwarven Battlerager Barbarian- turned into dog food

Orvald Abershaw, the Mousefolk Barbarian- became a squeaky toy last seen in Bahamutsville under Zin-carla attacked the party at a gateway they found

Zenit 'Dracon, the Drow Fighter- abandoned the party because Orvald died last seen in Bahamutsville attacked the party at a gateway they found

Lythana Belmyr, the Half-Drow Blood Hunter of Eilistraee- sacrificed to Demogorgon

Codsworth, the polite Flumph- shredded by crossbow

Zarrus, the Tiefling Favored Soul Sorcerer of Mephisto- vanished during gnoll fight

Ol' Sparky, the Deep Dragon- last seen thrown into a portal to the Abyss by a glabrezu

Aura, the Air Genasi Storm Sorceress- accidental self-vaporization (bitch blew herself up)

Kyri, the Minotaur Scout- vaporized by a jackass

Fidget Stonegear, the Deep Gnome Inventor- big badda boom 

Miarielle, the Lythari Priestess of Corellon- bigger badda boom

Glabbagool, the Gelatinous Cube- stayed with the kobolds

Kara Reginleif, the Half-Valkyrie Wererat Champion from the Zhentarim- vorpaled to pieces by demon Easter bunnies

Rumpadump, the Myconid Child- frozen by demon Easter bunny was raised by Mezzem and went missing, it is believed that Stool ate him

Sajin Silvertongue, the Deep Gnome Wererat Assassin- got stoned and kissed a pretty Medusa

Yklwa, Tali's Deinonychus animal companion- devoured by corbies

Natali, the Tiger Therinthrope Beastmaster- wished herself home

Roswyn Darkshooter, the Deep Gnome Delver- grick kibble

Mezzem, the Kobold Wererat Priestess of Bahamut who plots the murder of anyone who slights her- stayed in Blingdenstone

Vadania Nailaza, the Wild Elf Oakroot of Rillifane Rallathil- dust in the wind

Thecker Powdercraft, the Deep Gnome Wererat Gunslinger and Inquisitor of Bahamut- retired in Blingdenstone

Stool, the Myconid Child- stayed in Blingdenstone

Galothel Nightbreeze, the Moon Elf Alchemist- MIA after the Battle of Blingdenstone

Topsy and Turvy Goldwhiskers, the Deep Gnome Wererat Rogue Twins- stayed in Blingdenstone

Kazul, the Copper  Platinum Dragonborn Shadow Monk of Bahamut- skull caved in by another rock from Fidget was restored to life by her god- MIA after Astrid's wish

Twyla Alderleaf, the Moon Elf Scout- MIA after Astrid's wish

Mithrilye, the Sun Elf Entertainer who will do anything to achieve her goals, and believes that anything that can bring her pleasure should be enjoyed immediately, not saved until later- MIA after Astrid's wish, believed to be trapped in the Abyss

Friendly Fire: 232

NOTE: Things will be mostly from Claire's perspective, anything with italics is from a third party, since the knight can't be everywhere at once.

***** Nightal 4, Gauntlgrym

       We were woken up this morning to a knock at our door- again. Apparently that's the morning wake up call in this damn city. There was a svirfneblin dressed as a smith at the door, who told us he was instructed to bring us to the Great Forge by Dwarvenforge.

       As we were leaving, Alfie walked past Geophry, who tripped him and began giggling. The chair didn't want any competition as Rosebud's brother, so he despised the centling for being a potential threat to Rosebud's attention. 

       The Great Forge was just that- great. It was enormous, and fascinating to look at; I've never seen such an impressive forge before, and I've been to many blacksmiths in Cormyr. Dwarvenforge told me that his kin in Blingdenstone had told him to finish my shield- apparently he wasn't quite done with it when we left the city. He said that since he was already getting my shield done that he'd be willing to throw in some of the other's items, since he'd heard we were going to the Abyss- for a price.

       Momma produced his Defender sword, Lith put in her whip, Rosebud put in the maul we'd gotten from the Dao, Geophry put in his Wings of Flying, Astrid added a ring, and Flimflam put in both his wand and his Pearl of Power- then asked Dwarvenforge if he could attach the two. Dwarvenforge produced from what appeared to be the box I had delivered, a phoenix feather for Chairy's wings. Those should be interesting when they're done. The spirit of Fidget, which was trapped in a piece in Claire's crossbow, briefly took Claire over, and a part was snuck into the pile. 

       Dwarvenforge told us that the forging would only take a few seconds, and we needed to be ready to fight anything. Astrid's ring was the first thing to come out, and as Dwarvenforge hit it, flames shot out and two fire snakes appeared- he asked us to deal with those. Unfortunately most of our weapons were in the forge- all Rosebud had was a gun, so I tossed him one of my spare blades. Alfie charged one of them and killed it instantly, and I dropped the other one with my stupid Defender sword.

       Momma summoned an ice elemental in case anymore fire things popped out of the forge at us. Next up was my shield, and this time four fire snakes appeared. The elemental hit one with ice, and Flimflam followed up with an ice spell of his own, killing it. Momma, Rosebud, and I each dropped one on our own. About thirty seconds later four more fire snakes emerged. One of them began beating on Alfie pretty bad, and Rosebud killed it. I killed two more of them, and our ice elemental grabbed the final one and jumped into the water that Dwarvenforge was using to cool our items- flash freezing the tub and killing the final snake. Flimflam hurried to unfreeze it so the temperature wouldn't destroy Astrid's ring.

       After that Dwarvenforge said he needed to take a quit break to let his anvil recover. Geophry started getting pissy and impatient during the wait, so Flimflam decided to give him alcohol... which Chairy them proceeded to puke up all over Lily. This family hurts my head sometimes.

       The next item to come out of the Forge was Lith's whip, and six fire snakes came from it. Alfie actually hit one, I was quite proud of him in that moment- he so seldom hits anything. That pride was short-lived as I got surrounded by three of them. Rosebud charged up to the snakes around me and killed two of them; I killed the last one and moved to help the others with the remaining three. Turns out I didn't need to do that, as I got near Flimflam unleashed an ice spell that killed all three of them.

       Geophry's wings were next, and when Dwarvenforge grabbed them a large burst of flame came out, throwing him back; a phoenix rose from the anvil. Flimflam instantly released that ice spell again, but it wasn't nearly as effective on that as it had been on the snakes. The bird took a swipe at me and grabbed me in its talons... shit. As Rosebud swung at it I wriggled free from its grasp. Alfie charged at the bird, while Momma sent several magic darts of force at it, when suddenly Lith turned into some sort of fire fey, grabbed her whip from the water, and hit the phoenix.

       Her whip looked like one of the fire snakes, but it was blue and radiating cold- the bird screeched in pain from her attack. Geophry used a spell that made it look like there were four of him, and Flimflam since he was sitting on him, and Flimflam tossed an ice spell at the bird. As a product of Flimflam's wild magic, Alfie was suddenly convinced that Flimflam's magic was out to get him. Alfie randomly charged Flimflam,and missed hitting him by a long shot. I wonder what the Hells is wrong with that child; aside from the obvious.

       Momma unleashed more of his magic force darts at the thing as it lunged for me, and completely biffed it. At that Dwarvenforge grabbed the bird and began smithing it into the wings. Rosebud hurried to help hold it down for him. When he struck it, there was a flash of flaming energy, and he declared the wings done; putting them in the water with our other items.

       Alfie was still going after Flimflam though, but this time he hit Geophry, who started yelling at him in his high-pitched shrill little voice. Geophry started going after Alfie, and declared he was going to eat him... What? How could he possibly eat him? Momma threw out a spell that made them calm the fuck down.

       The next item was Flimflam's wand, and twelve of the snakes appeared for that one. Of course Flimflam went straight for his ice spell, but Momma seemed to be rather done with these things. He summoned a fire elemental and told it to deal with them, so it began to scoop the snakes up and swallow them whole. I managed to kill one of the two it didn't eat, and Rosebud grabbed the final one and held it over the wand so Dwarvenforge could add it to the wand.

       Next up was Momma's sword, and only six snakes emerged from it to start. Rosebud scooped one up and whipped it back over to the sword- then pointed out to me after I killed one to stop that so we could add them to our items. I grabbed one of the snakes and brought it to the anvil. Flimflam summoned two Hands to help hold them on the sword, and somehow cast a lightning bolt in the process, which barely grazed my arm.

       Salamanders appeared as we finished dealing with the snakes, and one instantly grabbed Alfie, burning him so badly that he went down. One began beating on Rosebud, but seemed to barely do anything to him. Geophry exclaimed that we had to put Alfie down because he couldn't walk- the kid seems to have a fixation with the idea of putting one of us down because they can't walk. That chair is so fucking weird.

       Rosebud charged at the salamander that had dropped Alfie, completely ignoring the blows he received from the salamander he was walking away from. I grabbed the other salamander and drug it to the anvil, pinning the damned thing for Dwarvenforge. Flimflam unleashed a wide beam of multicolored rays, some of which hit Alfie, and he melted into a puddle, and then froze; Geophry thanked Flimflam for killing him. As I held the last salamander down, Rosebud turned his enraged eyes at Flimflam.

       The halftaur punched Flimflam and demanded he pay for a priest to resurrect him. Flimflam placed a delayed blast fireball on Rosebud, and the only witness was Geophry. Geophry told Flimflam that Lily was going to be pissed and called him over to them so the fireball wouldn't strike him. Flimflam was acting guilty about something, and Momma instantly began questioning him. He admitted to hiding a delayed blast fireball on Rosebud, and once Rosebud found it, he drug Flimflam to him and held the fireball right between them. Momma dropped one of the Hut shields on us to protect the rest of us from the blast. At the last second, Flimflam tried to use his mist spell to get into the Hut, but failed miserably, and was hit with the full blast of the fireball.

       Throughout all of this Dwarvenforge was working diligently on Rosebud's maul. Geophry was muttering about putting me down next, and I heard the little shit. When I called him out on it he started to argue with me, but our argument was delayed by a bright flash of energy; we were now on the Elemental Plane of Fire.

       I felt a burning touch, and suddenly I could only see through a hazy smoke- I had been turned into a gaseous form... shit. Turns out that behind me was an invisible and huge fire efreeti that only Momma could currently see. He told Rosebud where to strike, and he definitely hit something. I flew over to Momma in hopes of interacting with him, but Geophry thought smoke was trying to attack Momma, so he started inhaling me. Momma told him it was me he was inhaling, and he spazzed out, completely disgusted about having inhaled me.

       Momma dispelled its invisibility, and Rosebud was able to start attacking it. The efreeti was after his hammer for some reason. I was trying frantically to will myself back into my physical form, so I missed the bulk of the fight. But of course the boys beat the efreeti, and I became myself again right before we popped back into Gauntlgrym's Forge.

       We went back to the villa and asked Seluna to reincarnate Alfie, and she said it was best done under the moonlight. We spent the rest of the afternoon recovering from the Forge and waiting for our gear. When it finally arrived we used a teleport type spell to get to the hill that overlooks Neverwinter. Since Momma didn't have much of Alfie to use for the reincarnation, Seluna had to use some of Rosebud's blood.

       I honestly didn't pay much attention to the ritual, I was too busy rolling in the grass and staring at the moon. I had often thought I wouldn't see this again, and finally being here felt like a triumph to me, even though I had lost my love during this journey.

       When Seluna finished reincarnating Alfie, our little brother had halfling legs still, but his torso and head was now that of a crocodile; and thanks to Rosebud's blood donation, he was now a wererat too. We dubbed him a Crocling, and Seluna used a spell that made him somewhat intelligent. Awakening Alfie cracked his mind a little, and he now believes he's the best at everything, and cannot take anything seriously. 

       Momma decided we would spend the night here, in our Tower. I was so excited to show Riddle the surface! I spent the night in the grass, under the stars. It was magical, and the fresh air was nearly intoxicating.

       Lith suggested that we dress Alfie up as a kobold, because he could kind of pass for one now. He did, but he's definitely the ugliest kobold in existence.

***** Nightal 5, Neverwinter

       We decided to go shopping in Neverwinter today, we figured we'd have better luck finding things there than in Gauntlgrym. Momma decided we were going to sell some of the random stuff we've picked up through our travels, but first we had to have a family meeting. He pulled out two rings that might have the ability to control elementals, and told Flimflam that he needed to attune to the rings and test them out. It turns out they were both control elementals rings, and now Flimflam was one shy of being able to control all elementals.

       The boys decided that Flimflam needed the ring that controls air elementals so that he could have all of them. Flimflam and Geophry flew into town on their own, with Rosebud chasing them by foot. The chair found a really shady back alley shop where literally everything cost $500,000 gold. He wouldn't tell us what any of the items were, and wouldn't let us identify them ourselves. Geophry produced his Deck of Many Things and offered him a draw from it- the shop keep vanished. Shadows began closing in around us, and only Alfie and Astrid had the time to grab anything before the shadows took everything away, leaving us in a barren room with a slumped over skeleton sitting where the shop keep had been. Alfie had grabbed a harp, but Astrid had gotten a Ring of Feather Fall, which may be the air elemental control ring that Flimflam wanted.

       Flimflam demanded that Astrid hand the ring over to him, but refused to make it a trade, so she told him to piss off. Geophry said if she didn't give him the ring he'd do something bad, something he really didn't want to do. While they bickered Momma decided to plant a magic bean, and a hole opened up in the ground. Before jumping in the hole, Geophry told Flimflam his life depended on getting one of those rings.

       We found ourselves in a 10 x 10 room that didn't have any visible doors. Flimflam started looking around and found a plaque that he thought might be a button, which he proceeded to press. There was a flash, and we found ourselves in a slightly larger room made from sandstone. Flimflam took off down the nearest tunnel; this place was nothing but a labyrinth of tunnels. Momma cast his lore spell, but he only got directions that circled back to where he cast the spell. At that, Lily realized it was an endless maze, and suddenly found himself in the room above. 

       Momma vanished, leaving me alone with the boys in this annoying maze. Flimflam was next to realize that it was an endless maze, and he vanished too. Lily gave Astrid a vial of his blood to use to pull him back with a spell, and went back into the maze for his lost children. 

       Geophry randomly announced "what Momma knows, I know," and vanished. I tried it and nothing happened. Geophry saw an opportunity to begin trying to convince Flimflam to kill Astrid and take the ring; but he didn't take the bait, which was good since Lith was also there and watching this discussion transpire. 

       I began a kind of chant of my own, "think like Momma, think like Momma," and it worked! I was suddenly back in that cramped room.

       Alfie and Rosebud were the only ones left in the maze, and Alfie tried to think so hard that he literally hurt himself. Rosebud spent a couple of minutes trying to think like Momma before he figured it out. Alfie realized it a few minutes after that- but not before nearly killing himself from thinking too hard. By this point, Lily had been wandering the maze, unable to find his kids for several minutes. He sent Astrid a message asking if everyone was there, then thought himself back to the group. 

       As soon as Momma appeared in the room Geophry started trying to blame everything on Astrid. Flimflam tried to storm off, but in such an enclosed space, the effect was pretty much lost. He found another panel and tossed a dart at the button- nothing seemed to happen.

       Geophry began pestering Momma to plant another bean, a request that both Flimflam and Rosebud vegan to echo. Astrid and I thought it was a horrible idea, but Lily is nothing if not indulgent to his children, and he gave in. He held up a bag and told us that most of the contents were pebbles, but one was an actual bean. We were all to take one and plant them at the same time.

       They were all fucking beans.

Photo from the "Gauntlgrym" novel by R.A. Salvatore

Photo owned by Wizards of the Coast, artwork by Jared Blando.

*Author's note: Many of the events, locations and characters that occur in this story are from the Out of the Abyss Adventure Module by Wizards of the Coast. Anything with an asterisk next to it is a quote from the book.