Tales from Toril- The Underdark Escapees: Book One, Chapter Forty-Four

Dealing with a Demon Lord

Dramatis Personae:

Lady Claire Callalily Thundersword-Petunia, the Human Wererat Swordcaptain of the Purple Dragon Knights

Riddle, Claire's baby basilisk

Hans, Claire's Basalt Wolf Figurine

Urthstripe. Claire's Alabaster Badger Figurine

Rosebud Goldenrod Petunia, the Halftaur Wererat Berserker, "The Destroyer;" who sees magic where there is none and collects things that aren't there

Lily Trillium Petunia, the Green Dragonborn Lore Bard and Feylock, and mother of the Petunia clan; champion of the Living Dungeon

Astrid Oleander Rockham-Petunia, the Longstrider Shifter Drow Evocation Wizard

Calipso, Astrid's Lizard Raven Familiar
Kazul, the Copper  Platinum Dragonborn Shadow Monk of Bahamut who has fallen from grace

Seluna, the Moon Elf Drow Totem Warrior Circle of the Moon Druid and Silverstar of Selûne

Geophry Cherry Blossom Petunia, the chair that used to be a boy

Flimflam Pebblehead-Petunia, the Deep Gnome Selkie Arcanist who has to collect everything he finds and can't take anything seriously

Alfalfa Cover Petunia, the Halftaur "Crocling" Wererat Fighter, formerly Rosebud's other half who can't take anything seriously and thinks he's the greatest at everything
Shreya, the Githzeri Symbiote

Comrades we have lost:

Ront, the Orc Fighter- turned into hamburger by Pwent

Buppido, the Derro- smashed by Orvald

Eldeth Feldrun, the Shield Dwarf- killed during escape

Hera Adaar, the Abyssal Tiefling Wild Sorceress- swept away

Luna Trelawny, the Human Divination Wizard- skull caved in by rock thrown by Fidget, then finished off by black pudding

Sarith Zekarit, the Drow Scout- drowned

Phillip Johnson, the Human Cleric- in a seemingly irreversible coma, left in Hemeth's care

Jim Jar, the Deep Gnome- eaten by grell

Prince Derendil, the Quaggoth- killed by sea troll

Shuushar, the "Awakened" Kuo-toa- turned into shuushi by sea troll

Hemeth, the Duergar Arms Dealer- parted with group in Gracklstugh met group briefly on route to Mantol Derith for trade

Thimblepwent Battlehammer, the Dwarven Battlerager Barbarian- turned into dog food

Orvald Abershaw, the Mousefolk Barbarian- became a squeaky toy last seen in Bahamutsville under Zin-carla attacked the party at a gateway they found

Zenit 'Dracon, the Drow Fighter- abandoned the party because Orvald died last seen in Bahamutsville attacked the party at a gateway they found

Lythana Belmyr, the Half-Drow Blood Hunter of Eilistraee- sacrificed to Demogorgon

Codsworth, the polite Flumph- shredded by crossbow

Zarrus, the Tiefling Favored Soul Sorcerer of Mephisto- vanished during gnoll fight

Ol' Sparky, the Deep Dragon- last seen thrown into a portal to the Abyss by a glabrezu

Aura, the Air Genasi Storm Sorceress- accidental self-vaporization (bitch blew herself up)

Kyri, the Minotaur Scout- vaporized by a jackass

Fidget Stonegear, the Deep Gnome Inventor- big badda boom 

Miarielle, the Lythari Priestess of Corellon- bigger badda boom

Glabbagool, the Gelatinous Cube- stayed with the kobolds

Kara Reginleif, the Half-Valkyrie Wererat Champion from the Zhentarim- vorpaled to pieces by demon Easter bunnies

Rumpadump, the Myconid Child- frozen by demon Easter bunny was raised by Mezzem and went missing, it is believed that Stool ate him

Sajin Silvertongue, the Deep Gnome Wererat Assassin- got stoned and kissed a pretty Medusa

Yklwa, Tali's Deinonychus animal companion- devoured by corbies

Natali, the Tiger Therinthrope Beastmaster- wished herself home

Roswyn Darkshooter, the Deep Gnome Delver- grick kibble

Mezzem, the Kobold Wererat Priestess of Bahamut- stayed in Blingdenstone

Vadania Nailaza, the Wild Elf Oakroot of Rillifane Rallathil- dust in the wind

Thecker Powdercraft, the Deep Gnome Wererat Gunslinger and Inquisitor of Bahamut- retired in Blingdenstone

Stool, the Myconid Child- stayed in Blingdenstone

Galothel Nightbreeze, the Moon Elf Alchemist- MIA after the Battle of Blingdenstone

Topsy and Turvy Goldwhiskers, the Deep Gnome Wererat Rogue Twins- stayed in Blingdenstone

Twyla Alderleaf, the Moon Elf Scout- MIA after Astrid's wish

Mithrilye, the Sun Elf Entertainer who will do anything to achieve her goals, and believes that anything that can bring her pleasure should be enjoyed immediately, not saved until later- MIA after Astrid's wish, believed to be trapped in the Abyss
Niles Rubusthorn, the Moon Elf Shadow Dancer- stayed on the Material Plane

Amin of Citadel Adbar, the Shield Dwarf Alchemist- stayed on the Material Plane

Lith, the Bronze Dragonborn Scholar- stayed on the Material Plane

Fitzzle, Lith's violet faerie dragon familiar- stayed on the Material Plane
Arwenel, the Elf Scholar- victim of Geophry's tantrum

Friendly Fire: 311

NOTE: Things will be mostly from Claire's perspective, anything with italics is from a third party, since the knight can't be everywhere at once.

***** Nightal 12, 1489 DR (The Year of the Warrior Princess), Astral Sea

       We stood facing the gate that Momma had opened, the room filled with an eerie blue light. We could see some forms around the room on the other side of this gate, and a deep, gravelly voice called out to us "the door is open, you might as well come in. I grant you an audience." I felt compelled to go through the door, and we all filed through the gate together.

     The gate room looked very different from how it was when we had escaped. It was polished to a shine, literally everything in the room was reflective like a mirror. All around the room were small groups of people- mostly drow- engaged in some form of passion. An enormous throne was sitting in the room as well, with a large figure in it who could only be Graz'zt. Two figures were kneeling at his feet, one was Twyla and the other that drow who seemed to have been leading the assault against us.

       Gazing upon Graz'zt led to many minds being shattered. Rosebud now would not rest until he made someone his. Alfie now believes his path is the road to redemption. Claire now thinks that anyone who doesn't do what she says deserves to die. Astrid now thinks that her own pleasure is of paramount importance and anything else is trivial. Flimflam also thinks his path is the road to redemption, and that his own pleasure is the most important thing in the world. 

       Momma told the Demon Lord that Mithrilye, his daughter, was trapped in his realm and that he needed to meet with his patron to help her. Graz'zt barred our way and told us all to enjoy our pleasure. Everyone except Momma and Not-Kazul broke off to do just that. Shreya screamed in terror at the sight of Graz'zt and left Lily. 

       Lily told Graz'zt his entire story, going all the way back to when he had been revived in Blingdenstone. It took a while, but the Demon Lord sat through the bard's entire monologue.

      Suddenly there was a flash of light, and everyone except for us, Graz'zt, Twyla and the drow, and a couple succubi and marilith turned into mirrors. Then with another flash I felt rejuvenated, as if I'd just had a good night's sleep. Graz'zt rose from his throne, drawing two greatswords that were larger than us, and told Momma that if we defeated him he could return to the Abyss and investigate what was happening. Shit. Now we have to fight a fucking Demon Lord.

       First the marilith came in and slashed at Rosebud, while Momma read an scroll that didn't seem to do anything. Graz'zt vanished from in front of his throne, only to reappear in front of Momma and Not-Kazul; he went for Not-Kazul thankfully instead of Momma. Another marilith went for Astrid, and I attempted to use the banish ability on Demon's Mirror, my shield, but nothing happened. Flimflam sent a beam of pure sunlight at the marilith, and three wasps appeared.

       Graz'zt issued a command to the party to grovel, only Astrid and Kazul were able to resist his order. I suddenly felt the need to drop to my knees and grovel at the Demon Lord's feet. He swung his mighty blade at me as I did, but didn't hit me- perhaps he approved of my groveling and decided to let me live. The marilith Flimflam had shot beat on him until he dropped. Graz'zt went for Seluna, who had turned into an air elemental, and completely missed her. Then an illusory pit fiend appeared in the room, Lily called over his shoulder at it to go away before reviving Flimflam.

       Astrid got away from the marilith that was after her, and instead of pursuing her it turned and hit Not-Kazul hard; then she teleported away from it. Alfie and I beat on the marilith and seemed to be hurting her, then Flimflam banished her back to the Abyss. Seluna and Rosebud flew up to Graz'zt, and Seluna seemed to rip into him pretty good. Then he vanished again and was now next to Flimflam and Alfie. Momma opened up the dimension doorway of his, reached in, and pulled Flimflam through it to get him away from Graz'zt. Instead, the Demon Lord began beating on poor Alfie.

       Astrid cast something at Graz'zt before vanishing, and whatever she had done seemed to annoy him. Momma, Not-Kazul, and I were dealing with one of the marilith still, until Graz'zt commanded everyone disrobe; I began struggling to take of my armor, but I knew it would take longer than Graz'zt desired. One of the marilith walked up to Astrid, picked up the staff she'd dropped, and snapped it in half. The concussive force that reverberated throughout the cavern was bone-rattling, and at the end of it both Astrid and the marilith had been vaporized. As badly as I wanted to mourn my friend, I knew that I had a job to do; once the Demon Lord is dead I can be sad about losing Astrid.

       We all finished off that marilith while Alfie stood toe-to-toe with Graz'zt; I guess that shows how much we love the little fucker, we let him be the distraction. Of course Graz'zt dropped him quickly. As the marilith dropped, Rosebud and I were commanded to dance; another command followed that, but it was only for Rosebud: kill Momma. Those of us who weren't being forced to dance began beating on Graz'zt, and he angrily struck back at Seluna.

       The moment the dance command ended, Rosebud threw his hammers at Momma; the resulting anger in Momma's eyes was almost more terrifying than the fucking Demon Lord we were fighting. The command to dance came again, but this time I resisted it; only Seluna was caught by this dance. Graz'zt apparently didn't like our druid, and dealt her a couple of nasty blows that dropped her. Not-Kazul, Flimflam, and I dished out some nasty hits to Graz'zt, and the Demon Lord was actually starting to look hurt. The command Rosebud was under to kill Momma was still going, and he kept going after him instead of the Demon Lord.

       The next command issued was to be gone, and I began moving toward the exit. Flimflam attempted to plane shift us all, but somehow he failed at it. Graz'zt dropped Not-Kazul, but Momma sent out healing to all of us, reviving her, Seluna, and Alfie. Then Rosebud was told if he couldn't kill Momma that he should kill a sibling. Shit. My poor brother dropped Flimflam and went for Alfie next. Graz'zt hit me so hard with his blade that my left arm went flying away. Fuck, that was my shield arm.

       Rosebud killed poor Alfie; sadly this command was one that would be easier for him to follow. Next we were told to fornicate; Seluna moved toward Not-Kazul, but tripped over her own feet instead and face planted. Not-Kazul teleported away from her. Graz'zt was closest to me, so I reached up and began fondling him. While I was groping the Demon Lord, Rosebud came up and swung at me. Before I could do anything, the command to die was issued; I attempted to stab myself, but somehow threw my Rod over my shoulder. Seluna revived Flimflam, and a cluster of orbs appeared around him that began attacking both Graz'zt and Not-Kazul.

       Between Rosebud and Graz'zt's assault on me I felt that death was closing in on me. The Demon Lord decided to next issue a command to masturbate, and I am ashamed to admit that I followed the order. Momma sent his Hand to bitch slap Graz'zt, which was hilarious to see, and Flimflam hit him, me, and Rosebud with a spray of color- it was fucking painful. We all kept hitting Graz'zt with everything we had- except for Rosebud, who seemed determined to kill me. Eventually Flimflam unleashed an acid spell on Graz'zt and he dissolved! Twyla and the drow pet of his screamed in pain as they dissolved too.

       We had won, but at the cost of Astrid, Alfie, and Twyla. And we still hadn't saved Mithrilye.

       When we got back to the Tower, Seluna reincarnated Astrid and Alfie. Alfie now has the hips and legs of an orc, the torso and upper body of a pegasus, and the extremely muscular halfling arms. Momma named him an Orcasus. Astrid was reincarnated as an orc.

***** Nightal 13, Chateau Petunia, outside Neverwinter

       Momma needed to summon his patron to attempt to save Mithrilye, so we all gathered in the lab at the circle. A bunch of tiny fae appeared and began attacking us, but we killed them with ease; though after killing a fucking Demon Lord I think we may see many things as easy to kill. Then a bunch of purple worm thingys appeared and went straight for Momma. Those we also were able to kill with ease. As the last of those died we heard howling, and two large wolves stepped into the circle. Momma's patron began speaking through Lith.

       Momma offered her Graz'zt's sword as an apology for summoning her to us, and asked her permission to use a Fates card to bring Mithrilye back to us. She said she'd accept Momma's request under a few conditions: she wanted the sprocket to the crossbow Fidget had designed, though Rosebud insisted that she take the entire thing. She wanted favors from Momma, Lith, and Mithrilye. Then she told him she wanted his firstborn child- Rosebud. Momma said he needed Rosebud, so she agreed to "loan" Rosebud to Momma for the next hundred years. Momma would only accept if she took Alfie too, though he's only on loan to us for the next fifty years. Momma took the deal, he was determined to save Mithrilye, regardless of the cost.

       We decided that the easiest way to save Mithrilye was to erase the drow ambush at the gate. If the drow got held up, we would have been able to use the portal. Anyone in the circle would remember everything that had happened over the last couple of tendays, those outside would know only the way the events changed. Amin opted to stay out of it for some reason. I tried to convince Not-Kazul to stay out of the circle, pointing out that we were undoing her being lost in the Abyss, which would erase her having killed the unicorn and falling from grace; she didn't think it would work because she's apparently an idiot in addition to being evil.

       Right as before Lith was done speaking what we wanted to undo, Geophry shoved Not-Kazul and I out of the circle, and we couldn't get back in. Shit!

       With Zenit's attack party being held up, the group made it to the gate room and used the gate to get to Gauntlgrym unmolested. Entering the dwarven stronghold from a gate they didn't know existed made their story more believable, and they even met with King Bruenor. 

       Since the drow ambush got held up, they created an Astrid paradox. Technically Astrid never met the party now, so there is another version of her somewhere in the Underdark, still a prisoner and still a shifter. Consequently, this meant that Claire, Kazul, and Amin- the three not in the circle- had never met Astrid. 

       Not going to the Abyss meant Geophry never killed Arwenel, instead she left a few days ago. She started feeling uncomfortable and in the area where she'd died she was getting a feeling of deja vu. 

        Claire had her arm back, though her fingers were gone again, and she had the mechanical hand once more, along with her much missed Rod of Lordly Might. Kazul was no longer evil, and was back to her normal self. Claire had not mailed the letter to Kazul's temple, since she never went missing in the Abyss.

       Twyla and Mithrilye were back in the Tower, safe and sound. When Lily looked out the window he saw that they were in Gauntlgrym. They had been given permission to set up the Tower in the city, since their story was now believable. 

Photo from Out of the Abyss Adventure Module by Wizards of the Coast

*Author's note: Many of the events, locations and characters that occur in this story are from the Out of the Abyss Adventure Module by Wizards of the Coast. Anything with an asterisk next to it is a quote from the book.

Tales from Toril- The Underdark Escapees: Book One, Chapter Thirty-Eight

The Great Forge

Dramatis Personae:

Lady Claire Thundersword-Petunia, the Human Wererat Swordcaptain of the Purple Dragon Knights

Riddle, Claire's baby basilisk

Hans, Claire's Basalt Wolf Figurine

Urthstripe. Claire's Alabaster Badger Figurine

Rosebud Goldenrod Petunia, the Halftaur Wererat Berserker, "The Destroyer;" who sees magic where there is none and collects things that aren't there

Lily Trillium Petunia, the Green Dragonborn Lore Bard, and mother of the Petunia clan; champion of the Living Dungeon

Astrid Rockham, the Longstrider Shifter Evocation Wizard

Calipso, Astrid's Lizard Familiar

Seluna, the Moon Elf Drow Totem Warrior Circle of the Moon Druid and Silverstar of Selûne

Niles Rubusthorn, the Moon Elf Shadow Dancer

Geophry Cherry Blossom Petunia, the chair that used to be a boy

Amin of Citadel Adbar, the Shield Dwarf Alchemist

Lith, the Bronze Dragonborn Scholar

Fitzzle, Lith's violet faerie dragon familiar

Flimflam Pebblehead-Petunia, the Deep Gnome Arcanist who has to collect everything he finds

Arwenel, the Elf Scholar

Alfalfa Cover Petunia, the Centling Fighter, Rosebud's other half

Comrades we have lost:

Ront, the Orc Fighter- turned into hamburger by Pwent

Buppido, the Derro- smashed by Orvald

Eldeth Feldrun, the Shield Dwarf- killed during escape

Hera Adaar, the Abyssal Tiefling Wild Sorceress- swept away

Luna Trelawny, the Human Divination Wizard- skull caved in by rock thrown by Fidget, then finished off by black pudding

Sarith Zekarit, the Drow Scout- drowned

Phillip Johnson, the Human Cleric- in a seemingly irreversible coma, left in Hemeth's care

Jim Jar, the Deep Gnome- eaten by grell

Prince Derendil, the Quaggoth- killed by sea troll

Shuushar, the "Awakened" Kuo-toa- turned into shuushi by sea troll

Hemeth, the Duergar Arms Dealer- parted with group in Gracklstugh met group briefly on route to Mantol Derith for trade

Thimblepwent Battlehammer, the Dwarven Battlerager Barbarian- turned into dog food

Orvald Abershaw, the Mousefolk Barbarian- became a squeaky toy last seen in Bahamutsville under Zin-carla attacked the party at a gateway they found

Zenit 'Dracon, the Drow Fighter- abandoned the party because Orvald died last seen in Bahamutsville attacked the party at a gateway they found

Lythana Belmyr, the Half-Drow Blood Hunter of Eilistraee- sacrificed to Demogorgon

Codsworth, the polite Flumph- shredded by crossbow

Zarrus, the Tiefling Favored Soul Sorcerer of Mephisto- vanished during gnoll fight

Ol' Sparky, the Deep Dragon- last seen thrown into a portal to the Abyss by a glabrezu

Aura, the Air Genasi Storm Sorceress- accidental self-vaporization (bitch blew herself up)

Kyri, the Minotaur Scout- vaporized by a jackass

Fidget Stonegear, the Deep Gnome Inventor- big badda boom 

Miarielle, the Lythari Priestess of Corellon- bigger badda boom

Glabbagool, the Gelatinous Cube- stayed with the kobolds

Kara Reginleif, the Half-Valkyrie Wererat Champion from the Zhentarim- vorpaled to pieces by demon Easter bunnies

Rumpadump, the Myconid Child- frozen by demon Easter bunny was raised by Mezzem and went missing, it is believed that Stool ate him

Sajin Silvertongue, the Deep Gnome Wererat Assassin- got stoned and kissed a pretty Medusa

Yklwa, Tali's Deinonychus animal companion- devoured by corbies

Natali, the Tiger Therinthrope Beastmaster- wished herself home

Roswyn Darkshooter, the Deep Gnome Delver- grick kibble

Mezzem, the Kobold Wererat Priestess of Bahamut who plots the murder of anyone who slights her- stayed in Blingdenstone

Vadania Nailaza, the Wild Elf Oakroot of Rillifane Rallathil- dust in the wind

Thecker Powdercraft, the Deep Gnome Wererat Gunslinger and Inquisitor of Bahamut- retired in Blingdenstone

Stool, the Myconid Child- stayed in Blingdenstone

Galothel Nightbreeze, the Moon Elf Alchemist- MIA after the Battle of Blingdenstone

Topsy and Turvy Goldwhiskers, the Deep Gnome Wererat Rogue Twins- stayed in Blingdenstone

Kazul, the Copper  Platinum Dragonborn Shadow Monk of Bahamut- skull caved in by another rock from Fidget was restored to life by her god- MIA after Astrid's wish

Twyla Alderleaf, the Moon Elf Scout- MIA after Astrid's wish

Mithrilye, the Sun Elf Entertainer who will do anything to achieve her goals, and believes that anything that can bring her pleasure should be enjoyed immediately, not saved until later- MIA after Astrid's wish, believed to be trapped in the Abyss

Friendly Fire: 232

NOTE: Things will be mostly from Claire's perspective, anything with italics is from a third party, since the knight can't be everywhere at once.

***** Nightal 4, Gauntlgrym

       We were woken up this morning to a knock at our door- again. Apparently that's the morning wake up call in this damn city. There was a svirfneblin dressed as a smith at the door, who told us he was instructed to bring us to the Great Forge by Dwarvenforge.

       As we were leaving, Alfie walked past Geophry, who tripped him and began giggling. The chair didn't want any competition as Rosebud's brother, so he despised the centling for being a potential threat to Rosebud's attention. 

       The Great Forge was just that- great. It was enormous, and fascinating to look at; I've never seen such an impressive forge before, and I've been to many blacksmiths in Cormyr. Dwarvenforge told me that his kin in Blingdenstone had told him to finish my shield- apparently he wasn't quite done with it when we left the city. He said that since he was already getting my shield done that he'd be willing to throw in some of the other's items, since he'd heard we were going to the Abyss- for a price.

       Momma produced his Defender sword, Lith put in her whip, Rosebud put in the maul we'd gotten from the Dao, Geophry put in his Wings of Flying, Astrid added a ring, and Flimflam put in both his wand and his Pearl of Power- then asked Dwarvenforge if he could attach the two. Dwarvenforge produced from what appeared to be the box I had delivered, a phoenix feather for Chairy's wings. Those should be interesting when they're done. The spirit of Fidget, which was trapped in a piece in Claire's crossbow, briefly took Claire over, and a part was snuck into the pile. 

       Dwarvenforge told us that the forging would only take a few seconds, and we needed to be ready to fight anything. Astrid's ring was the first thing to come out, and as Dwarvenforge hit it, flames shot out and two fire snakes appeared- he asked us to deal with those. Unfortunately most of our weapons were in the forge- all Rosebud had was a gun, so I tossed him one of my spare blades. Alfie charged one of them and killed it instantly, and I dropped the other one with my stupid Defender sword.

       Momma summoned an ice elemental in case anymore fire things popped out of the forge at us. Next up was my shield, and this time four fire snakes appeared. The elemental hit one with ice, and Flimflam followed up with an ice spell of his own, killing it. Momma, Rosebud, and I each dropped one on our own. About thirty seconds later four more fire snakes emerged. One of them began beating on Alfie pretty bad, and Rosebud killed it. I killed two more of them, and our ice elemental grabbed the final one and jumped into the water that Dwarvenforge was using to cool our items- flash freezing the tub and killing the final snake. Flimflam hurried to unfreeze it so the temperature wouldn't destroy Astrid's ring.

       After that Dwarvenforge said he needed to take a quit break to let his anvil recover. Geophry started getting pissy and impatient during the wait, so Flimflam decided to give him alcohol... which Chairy them proceeded to puke up all over Lily. This family hurts my head sometimes.

       The next item to come out of the Forge was Lith's whip, and six fire snakes came from it. Alfie actually hit one, I was quite proud of him in that moment- he so seldom hits anything. That pride was short-lived as I got surrounded by three of them. Rosebud charged up to the snakes around me and killed two of them; I killed the last one and moved to help the others with the remaining three. Turns out I didn't need to do that, as I got near Flimflam unleashed an ice spell that killed all three of them.

       Geophry's wings were next, and when Dwarvenforge grabbed them a large burst of flame came out, throwing him back; a phoenix rose from the anvil. Flimflam instantly released that ice spell again, but it wasn't nearly as effective on that as it had been on the snakes. The bird took a swipe at me and grabbed me in its talons... shit. As Rosebud swung at it I wriggled free from its grasp. Alfie charged at the bird, while Momma sent several magic darts of force at it, when suddenly Lith turned into some sort of fire fey, grabbed her whip from the water, and hit the phoenix.

       Her whip looked like one of the fire snakes, but it was blue and radiating cold- the bird screeched in pain from her attack. Geophry used a spell that made it look like there were four of him, and Flimflam since he was sitting on him, and Flimflam tossed an ice spell at the bird. As a product of Flimflam's wild magic, Alfie was suddenly convinced that Flimflam's magic was out to get him. Alfie randomly charged Flimflam,and missed hitting him by a long shot. I wonder what the Hells is wrong with that child; aside from the obvious.

       Momma unleashed more of his magic force darts at the thing as it lunged for me, and completely biffed it. At that Dwarvenforge grabbed the bird and began smithing it into the wings. Rosebud hurried to help hold it down for him. When he struck it, there was a flash of flaming energy, and he declared the wings done; putting them in the water with our other items.

       Alfie was still going after Flimflam though, but this time he hit Geophry, who started yelling at him in his high-pitched shrill little voice. Geophry started going after Alfie, and declared he was going to eat him... What? How could he possibly eat him? Momma threw out a spell that made them calm the fuck down.

       The next item was Flimflam's wand, and twelve of the snakes appeared for that one. Of course Flimflam went straight for his ice spell, but Momma seemed to be rather done with these things. He summoned a fire elemental and told it to deal with them, so it began to scoop the snakes up and swallow them whole. I managed to kill one of the two it didn't eat, and Rosebud grabbed the final one and held it over the wand so Dwarvenforge could add it to the wand.

       Next up was Momma's sword, and only six snakes emerged from it to start. Rosebud scooped one up and whipped it back over to the sword- then pointed out to me after I killed one to stop that so we could add them to our items. I grabbed one of the snakes and brought it to the anvil. Flimflam summoned two Hands to help hold them on the sword, and somehow cast a lightning bolt in the process, which barely grazed my arm.

       Salamanders appeared as we finished dealing with the snakes, and one instantly grabbed Alfie, burning him so badly that he went down. One began beating on Rosebud, but seemed to barely do anything to him. Geophry exclaimed that we had to put Alfie down because he couldn't walk- the kid seems to have a fixation with the idea of putting one of us down because they can't walk. That chair is so fucking weird.

       Rosebud charged at the salamander that had dropped Alfie, completely ignoring the blows he received from the salamander he was walking away from. I grabbed the other salamander and drug it to the anvil, pinning the damned thing for Dwarvenforge. Flimflam unleashed a wide beam of multicolored rays, some of which hit Alfie, and he melted into a puddle, and then froze; Geophry thanked Flimflam for killing him. As I held the last salamander down, Rosebud turned his enraged eyes at Flimflam.

       The halftaur punched Flimflam and demanded he pay for a priest to resurrect him. Flimflam placed a delayed blast fireball on Rosebud, and the only witness was Geophry. Geophry told Flimflam that Lily was going to be pissed and called him over to them so the fireball wouldn't strike him. Flimflam was acting guilty about something, and Momma instantly began questioning him. He admitted to hiding a delayed blast fireball on Rosebud, and once Rosebud found it, he drug Flimflam to him and held the fireball right between them. Momma dropped one of the Hut shields on us to protect the rest of us from the blast. At the last second, Flimflam tried to use his mist spell to get into the Hut, but failed miserably, and was hit with the full blast of the fireball.

       Throughout all of this Dwarvenforge was working diligently on Rosebud's maul. Geophry was muttering about putting me down next, and I heard the little shit. When I called him out on it he started to argue with me, but our argument was delayed by a bright flash of energy; we were now on the Elemental Plane of Fire.

       I felt a burning touch, and suddenly I could only see through a hazy smoke- I had been turned into a gaseous form... shit. Turns out that behind me was an invisible and huge fire efreeti that only Momma could currently see. He told Rosebud where to strike, and he definitely hit something. I flew over to Momma in hopes of interacting with him, but Geophry thought smoke was trying to attack Momma, so he started inhaling me. Momma told him it was me he was inhaling, and he spazzed out, completely disgusted about having inhaled me.

       Momma dispelled its invisibility, and Rosebud was able to start attacking it. The efreeti was after his hammer for some reason. I was trying frantically to will myself back into my physical form, so I missed the bulk of the fight. But of course the boys beat the efreeti, and I became myself again right before we popped back into Gauntlgrym's Forge.

       We went back to the villa and asked Seluna to reincarnate Alfie, and she said it was best done under the moonlight. We spent the rest of the afternoon recovering from the Forge and waiting for our gear. When it finally arrived we used a teleport type spell to get to the hill that overlooks Neverwinter. Since Momma didn't have much of Alfie to use for the reincarnation, Seluna had to use some of Rosebud's blood.

       I honestly didn't pay much attention to the ritual, I was too busy rolling in the grass and staring at the moon. I had often thought I wouldn't see this again, and finally being here felt like a triumph to me, even though I had lost my love during this journey.

       When Seluna finished reincarnating Alfie, our little brother had halfling legs still, but his torso and head was now that of a crocodile; and thanks to Rosebud's blood donation, he was now a wererat too. We dubbed him a Crocling, and Seluna used a spell that made him somewhat intelligent. Awakening Alfie cracked his mind a little, and he now believes he's the best at everything, and cannot take anything seriously. 

       Momma decided we would spend the night here, in our Tower. I was so excited to show Riddle the surface! I spent the night in the grass, under the stars. It was magical, and the fresh air was nearly intoxicating.

       Lith suggested that we dress Alfie up as a kobold, because he could kind of pass for one now. He did, but he's definitely the ugliest kobold in existence.

***** Nightal 5, Neverwinter

       We decided to go shopping in Neverwinter today, we figured we'd have better luck finding things there than in Gauntlgrym. Momma decided we were going to sell some of the random stuff we've picked up through our travels, but first we had to have a family meeting. He pulled out two rings that might have the ability to control elementals, and told Flimflam that he needed to attune to the rings and test them out. It turns out they were both control elementals rings, and now Flimflam was one shy of being able to control all elementals.

       The boys decided that Flimflam needed the ring that controls air elementals so that he could have all of them. Flimflam and Geophry flew into town on their own, with Rosebud chasing them by foot. The chair found a really shady back alley shop where literally everything cost $500,000 gold. He wouldn't tell us what any of the items were, and wouldn't let us identify them ourselves. Geophry produced his Deck of Many Things and offered him a draw from it- the shop keep vanished. Shadows began closing in around us, and only Alfie and Astrid had the time to grab anything before the shadows took everything away, leaving us in a barren room with a slumped over skeleton sitting where the shop keep had been. Alfie had grabbed a harp, but Astrid had gotten a Ring of Feather Fall, which may be the air elemental control ring that Flimflam wanted.

       Flimflam demanded that Astrid hand the ring over to him, but refused to make it a trade, so she told him to piss off. Geophry said if she didn't give him the ring he'd do something bad, something he really didn't want to do. While they bickered Momma decided to plant a magic bean, and a hole opened up in the ground. Before jumping in the hole, Geophry told Flimflam his life depended on getting one of those rings.

       We found ourselves in a 10 x 10 room that didn't have any visible doors. Flimflam started looking around and found a plaque that he thought might be a button, which he proceeded to press. There was a flash, and we found ourselves in a slightly larger room made from sandstone. Flimflam took off down the nearest tunnel; this place was nothing but a labyrinth of tunnels. Momma cast his lore spell, but he only got directions that circled back to where he cast the spell. At that, Lily realized it was an endless maze, and suddenly found himself in the room above. 

       Momma vanished, leaving me alone with the boys in this annoying maze. Flimflam was next to realize that it was an endless maze, and he vanished too. Lily gave Astrid a vial of his blood to use to pull him back with a spell, and went back into the maze for his lost children. 

       Geophry randomly announced "what Momma knows, I know," and vanished. I tried it and nothing happened. Geophry saw an opportunity to begin trying to convince Flimflam to kill Astrid and take the ring; but he didn't take the bait, which was good since Lith was also there and watching this discussion transpire. 

       I began a kind of chant of my own, "think like Momma, think like Momma," and it worked! I was suddenly back in that cramped room.

       Alfie and Rosebud were the only ones left in the maze, and Alfie tried to think so hard that he literally hurt himself. Rosebud spent a couple of minutes trying to think like Momma before he figured it out. Alfie realized it a few minutes after that- but not before nearly killing himself from thinking too hard. By this point, Lily had been wandering the maze, unable to find his kids for several minutes. He sent Astrid a message asking if everyone was there, then thought himself back to the group. 

       As soon as Momma appeared in the room Geophry started trying to blame everything on Astrid. Flimflam tried to storm off, but in such an enclosed space, the effect was pretty much lost. He found another panel and tossed a dart at the button- nothing seemed to happen.

       Geophry began pestering Momma to plant another bean, a request that both Flimflam and Rosebud vegan to echo. Astrid and I thought it was a horrible idea, but Lily is nothing if not indulgent to his children, and he gave in. He held up a bag and told us that most of the contents were pebbles, but one was an actual bean. We were all to take one and plant them at the same time.

       They were all fucking beans.

Photo from the "Gauntlgrym" novel by R.A. Salvatore

Photo owned by Wizards of the Coast, artwork by Jared Blando.

*Author's note: Many of the events, locations and characters that occur in this story are from the Out of the Abyss Adventure Module by Wizards of the Coast. Anything with an asterisk next to it is a quote from the book.

Tales from Toril- The Underdark Escapees: Book One, Chapter Thirty-Seven

Drowning in Paperwork

Dramatis Personae:

Lady Claire Thundersword-Petunia, the Human Wererat Swordcaptain of the Purple Dragon Knights
Riddle, Claire's baby basilisk
Hans, Claire's Basalt Wolf Figurine
Urthstripe. Claire's Alabaster Badger Figurine
Rosebud Goldenrod Petunia, the Halfling/Shetland Pony "Centaur" Wererat Berserker, "The Destroyer;" who sees magic where there is none and collects things that aren't there
Lily Trillium Petunia, the Green Dragonborn Lore Bard, and Rosebud, Geophry, Flimflam, and Claire's "Momma;" champion of the Living Dungeon
Astrid Rockham, the Longstrider Shifter Evocation Wizard
Calipso, Astrid's Lizard Familiar

Seluna, the Moon Elf Drow Totem Warrior Circle of the Moon Druid and Silverstar of Selûne
Niles Rubusthorn, the Moon Elf Shadow Dancer
Geophry Cherry Blossom Petunia, the chair that used to be a boy
Amin of Citadel Adbar, the Shield Dwarf Alchemist
Lith, the Bronze Dragonborn Scholar
Fitzzle, Lith's violet faerie dragon familiar
Flimflam Pebblehead-Petunia, the Deep Gnome Arcanist who has to collect everything he finds and thinks everyone should be gluttonous
Arwenel, the Elf Scholar
Falkryn Stonekey, the Shield Dwarf Ruin Raider
Schnella Stonesneak, the Deep Gnome Delver

Comrades we have lost:

Ront, the Orc Fighter- turned into hamburger by Pwent

Buppido, the Derro- smashed by Orvald

Eldeth Feldrun, the Shield Dwarf- killed during escape

Hera Adaar, the Abyssal Tiefling Wild Sorceress- swept away

Luna Trelawny, the Human Divination Wizard- skull caved in by rock thrown by Fidget, then finished off by black pudding

Sarith Zekarit, the Drow Scout- drowned

Phillip Johnson, the Human Cleric- in a seemingly irreversible coma, left in Hemeth's care

Jim Jar, the Deep Gnome- eaten by grell

Prince Derendil, the Quaggoth- killed by sea troll

Shuushar, the "Awakened" Kuo-toa- turned into shuushi by sea troll

Hemeth, the Duergar Arms Dealer- parted with group in Gracklstugh met group briefly on route to Mantol Derith for trade
Thimblepwent Battlehammer, the Dwarven Battlerager Barbarian- turned into dog food
Orvald Abershaw, the Mousefolk Barbarian- became a squeaky toy last seen in Bahamutsville under Zin-carla attacked the party at a gateway they found
Zenit 'Dracon, the Drow Fighter- abandoned the party because Orvald died last seen in Bahamutsville attacked the party at a gateway they found
Lythana Belmyr, the Half-Drow Blood Hunter of Eilistraee- sacrificed to Demogorgon
Codsworth, the polite Flumph- shredded by crossbow
Zarrus, the Tiefling Favored Soul Sorcerer of Mephisto- vanished during gnoll fight
Ol' Sparky, the Deep Dragon- last seen thrown into a portal to the Abyss by a glabrezu
Aura, the Air Genasi Storm Sorceress- accidental self-vaporization (bitch blew herself up)
Kyri, the Minotaur Scout- vaporized by a jackass

Fidget Stonegear, the Deep Gnome Inventor- big badda boom 

Miarielle, the Lythari Priestess of Corellon- bigger badda boom
Glabbagool, the Gelatinous Cube- stayed with the kobolds
Kara Reginleif, the Half-Valkyrie Wererat Champion from the Zhentarim- vorpaled to pieces by demon Easter bunnies

Rumpadump, the Myconid Child- frozen by demon Easter bunny was raised by Mezzem and went missing, it is believed that Stool ate him
Sajin Silvertongue, the Deep Gnome Wererat Assassin- got stoned and kissed a pretty Medusa
Yklwa, Tali's Deinonychus animal companion- devoured by corbies
Natali, the Tiger Therinthrope Beastmaster- wished herself home
Roswyn Darkshooter, the Deep Gnome Delver- grick kibble
Mezzem, the Kobold Wererat Priestess of Bahamut who plots the murder of anyone who slights her- stayed in Blingdenstone
Vadania Nailaza, the Wild Elf Oakroot of Rillifane Rallathil- dust in the wind
Thecker Powdercraft, the Deep Gnome Wererat Gunslinger and Inquisitor of Bahamut- retired in Blingdenstone
Stool, the Myconid Child- stayed in Blingdenstone
Galothel Nightbreeze, the Moon Elf Alchemist- MIA after the Battle of Blingdenstone
Topsy and Turvy Goldwhiskers, the Deep Gnome Wererat Rogue Twins- stayed in Blingdenstone
Kazul, the Copper  Platinum Dragonborn Shadow Monk of Bahamut- skull caved in by another rock from Fidget was restored to life by her god- MIA after Astrid's wish
Twyla Alderleaf, the Moon Elf Scout- MIA after Astrid's wish
Mithrilye, the Sun Elf Entertainer who will do anything to achieve her goals, and believes that anything that can bring her pleasure should be enjoyed immediately, not saved until later- MIA after Astrid's wish, believed to be trapped in the Abyss

Friendly Fire: 225
Party members killed: 24
Overall party members lost: 39

NOTE: Things will be mostly from Claire's perspective, anything with italics is from a third party, since the knight can't be everywhere at once.

***** The Feast of the Moon Holiday, 1489 DR (The Year of the Warrior Princess), Gauntlgrym

       When everything was properly oriented again, we were standing in front of some massive gates that seemed to make up the face of a dwarf. There was some movement on the battlements above us, but it was hard to make much out. On the ground next to us were two human corpses, that appeared to have been flogged to death. Astrid said they were Fred and George, her friends from her ship, and the only ones still alive when she had escaped. Momma gathered samples from each of the so we could resurrect them later.

       Flimflam, Schnella, Falkryn, Geophry, and Lith were still unconscious from the drow poison, but what mattered was they were here.

       We realized that Twyla, Mithrilye, and Not-Kazul weren't with us, something had prevented Astrid's wish from bringing them with us. While I didn't really care what happened to Not-Kazul, I was worried about Twyla and Mithrilye.

       Rosebud yelled at the gates and banged on them with his hammer. Someone responded, asking what we were doing there, people were supposed to be going to the upper bastion. Since we hadn't gone through any of the checkpoints that would have led us to the upper bastion, we didn't know. Before they could let us through the gates, two enormous snails landed next to us.

       Frantically Rosebud slapped Schnella and Falkryn awake, while Astrid attempt to wake up Lith- but she wouldn't rise. I slapped Flimflam and the jackass wouldn't budge- of course when we need him he's napping. I hate drow poison. One of the snails lashed out tentacles at me, as if they were flails; the other did the same to Falkryn. Momma threw up a wall of fire between the snail and Flimflam, Geophry, and I, to buy me time to wake their asses up.

       Rosebud pounded on the snail that was on him and Falkryn- but he also hit Falkryn once too. Astrid tried again to rouse Lith, and I tried on both Flimflam and Geophry to no avail. Momma even threw an insult at Geophry, and he still didn't wake. The snail that was behind the fire wall moved through it as if it wasn't even there, and began flailing at me, Flimflam, and Geophry- and those hits actually woke up Geophry! Flimflam ended up with a concussion and a broken leg from the beating. 

       Falkryn tossed her grapple at the snail on her and began to climb it- it lashed out and hit her pretty hard, she started swinging, but held tight to the rope; then she lashed at it with a silver chain. Schnella joined the assault on that snail and seemed to hurt it pretty badly, it flailed at them in response, then withdrew into its shell to hide. Rosebud began beating on the shell in rage- I think he was trying to crack it open.

       From behind me, a beam of crackling blue energy came at the snail on me, but the magic seemed to vanish right in front of it. Shit. I stabbed it with my javelin, and the lightning was reflected back at me- that thing fucking hurts. I used the battleaxe function on my Rod to hack into the beast. Momma slashed his palm to use blood magic again, I heard him mutter something about waking up the others. The snail's flail slammed into Lith hard, and I heard a sickening crunch that signified it had broken something- probably a rib given the spot it hit her. Geophry began zapping Flimflam, trying hard to wake him up, but still the insane svirfneblin refused to rise.

       Falkryn swung into the shell of the other one, and was probably going to finish it off. I managed to score one hit on mine through its shell, and Rosebud joined me in beating on it. Some glowing darts came flying from behind me again- likely from Astrid- and instead of going into the shell they exploded all around her. Momma attempted his blood magic again, and it again seemed to fail. The snail poked its head out and spat a rope of goo, then it swung to the gate; Rosebud and I each got a hit in before it got away.

       Geophry seemed determined to wake up Flimflam, as he shoved a potion down Flimflam's throat and then slammed his head against the ground- and he still didn't rise. Rosebud took a shot at the snail, then I used my new crossbow... and it fucking jammed. Momma sprayed his blood all over our sleeping friends to set off whatever spell it was he was using to awaken everyone; the spell worked, and he collapsed. Geophry was instantly at Momma's side, pouring a potion down his throat. The one on the wall seemed dead, so we all moved to the one hiding in its shell on the ground. Then Seluna got up and asked why we were beating up dead snails.

       Several dwarves emerged from the gates to confirm that the snails were dead, and asked why we didn't come in through a safer route. Momma explained to them that we had been wished here, and didn't know about the dangers lurking outside these gates. They permitted us entrance and brought us to a waiting area; a couple of minutes later we were brought food and ale.

       Geophry was being bratty at me, and Momma reminded him that he had adopted me too, so Chairy pulled my hair. Little brothers are the worst sometimes. Then Geophry dared me to kick him, but I wouldn't rise to his bait- so Rosebud kicked him, and his foot got stuck to Chairy somehow.

       While we waited Momma instructed Geophry to pretend he was just a chair in front of others, for his own safety. Eventually a dwarf in full plate armor came in, introducing himself as Gurnin Bloodshield, and said he was here to take our statement. Momma rambled out the story, in much less eloquence than normal, and Gurnin told us he believed us, even though a lot of our story sounded insane. Which honestly, if I hadn't lived it I'd probably think much of it was insane too. After that some of their priests came in to heal Momma, since he'd taken heavy damage trying to wake everyone up during the snail fight. Gods, even saying "snail fight" sounds insane; in Cormyr they're a delicacy, and here I am slaughtering enormous ones.

       We were taken to accommodations by way of a mine cart, I was a little surprised they had one Rosebud could fit in, and on the way we were given a tour of the city- it was breathtaking. The work the ancient dwarves must have put into creating something like this was incredible; I thought Cormyrean cities were amazing, but this was like nothing I'd even seen before. When we finally arrived at our rooms they were fantastic; apparently they have rooms set up for surfacer's comforts.

       Momma and Astrid went to nap, they were completely exhausted; Rosebud and Geophry decided they wanted to go shopping, and I went with them so they'd have some supervision. The jackasses took off before I could follow them, and by the time I caught up, Rosebud had purchased several magical items and was in the process of buying out a food stall. He got directions for where to find the best ale, and the shitheads took off before I could follow them.

       Since I had no hope of catching up with my brothers, I went to the smith's guild to get directions to the Forge, so I could deliver the box to Dwarvenforge's kin. I got horribly lost and ended up in a mine. Instead of getting myself even more lost, I decided to help the miners in exchange for them helping me get back when they were done. For the first couple of hours I kept up with them pretty well, but by the end of the last hour I could barely lift my pickaxe. They gave me endless shit about it on the way back to my rooms.

       When I got back the room was completely packed with food and booze- Rosebud had been very busy. I was so exhausted that I headed straight for bed without having anything. As I passed Momma on the way he cast a spell on me that made me slightly less miserable, but I was still barely able to stay awake long enough to get out of my armor.

***** Nightal 1, Gauntlgrym

       The next morning a dwarf in robes came by to take our statement for King Bruenor, and Momma was much more awake today, so he gave them a much better report of what had happened. We were told the King would want to see us soon. They also inquired about the alcohol in our room, and Rosebud told them where he got it from; turns out it was a group of thieves who he had purchased it from, and the information he provided could lead to an arrest.

       We also requested an area to put up the Tower, and there was a lot of red tape we had to get through before they'd allow us something like that. Before the dwarf left, I told them I needed to deliver something to Dwarvenforge, and he said he'd pass along the message.

       After he left Momma told us he had a nightmare that Mithrilye was in the Abyss being tortured. We needed to go after her as soon as possible.

       Later that day Rosebud was given a badge for helping them apprehend the criminals, which he could take to the quartermaster for a reward.

***** Nightal 2, Gauntlgrym

       The next morning we were woken up to a deep gnome knocking at our door, it was Dwarvenforge's kin. I gave him the box I'd been carrying around for so long, and we placed some orders for gear from him.

       We needed to get some better magic items if we were to go into the Abyss, so Astrid went to inquire about those. It turns out we have to fill out forms to purchase those types of things, and those forms were available at the quartermaster's place.

       The badge Rosebud had gave him some credits and permission to buy items, but the rest of us still had to fill out the forms. I had to fill out a lengthy lineage tree, while the others had to fill out lengthy background reports. We were told they'd have our answers in the morning.

       That night we all went to the tavern to blow off some steam- well, everyone except Seluna and Niles, who had barely left the kitchen since we'd arrived. When we got back to the rooms we found that they weren't completely packed with food anymore. Seluna and Niles had hidden the food to keep Flimflam from constantly eating it, which was pretty much all he'd done since it had been delivered. 

***** Nightal 3. Gauntlgrym

       The next morning Lily rose very early and slipped out of their rooms to get to the quartermaster the moment he opened the doors. When the quartermaster finally opened, he told Lily that Astrid had been denied, handing him a very thick folder explaining why; it all boiled down to her life of crime and piracy. 

       Claire had been denied as well, because the Ruin card she'd drawn had made her family declare her dead. The Thunderswords had told the quartermaster that she was most certainly dead, and if someone was there claiming to be her, it was an impostor, not the real Claire.

       The quartermaster told Lily that they wouldn't be taking legal action against Claire or Astrid, but they would be keeping an eye on the two of them. 

       Lily, Flimflam, and Rosebud were the only ones who had been approved to purchase magic items. 

       Lily returned to the room and woke up everyone except Claire and Astrid to discuss what he had learned about them. Once he had talked to the others he decided to wake them up in the loudest, most obnoxious way possible. 

       I woke to Momma's voice booming that it was time to get up. He told us that Astrid and I had been denied permission to purchase magic items, and handed Astrid a massive folder. Momma said she had best behave herself while we're in this city.

       Then he handed me a much smaller folder, and told me that according to my family I was dead. He put up the truth telling spell and had me tell him everything of my journey again; once I'd finished that he explained that the Ruin card I'd drawn from the Deck of Many Things must have been the culprit. I had to find a Fates card to undo the Ruin card in order to go home. Then Momma said that perhaps the Fates are trying to take me out, considering I drew the card that made the angel of death appear.

       My entire world had just crashed around my ears. My life was over. I was no longer Lady Claire Thundersword, but merely Claire. I wanted to just crawl under a rock and die. Instead I grabbed a large bottle of liquor and began drinking. Eventually Astrid began reading her file to me, telling me stories from her criminal past; they were amusing, but didn't do anything to pull me out of the pit of despair I now found myself in.

       Lily, Rosebud, and Flimflam decided to go out shopping while I drank my sorrow, I didn't care if they found me anything useful. I just wanted to cry and drink.

       Lily searched for and found the black market, attempting to entice them into stealing a Deck of Many Things he'd found in the most upscale part of the markets. Shortly after he came back, there was a commotion in that area, and Lily was sure it was one of them stealing the Deck. It took them several hours to finally get out of the area, but they had made some good purchases. 

       After Momma got back from shopping, a messenger showed up and told us we needed to fill out a bunch of forms in order to erect the Tower. Momma tried to find some way around that, but the dwarf insisted there wasn't one. This place sucks. Its bureaucracy is worse than Cormyr's.

       Momma also had a plan to steal a Deck of Many Things from some thief in the city. Of course I was in, since only a Fates card would allow me to come home. Rosebud was much father ahead of a us, and we caught up with him in the red lantern district, having far too much fun in a brothel. Momma paid them to keep him, Geophry, and Flimflam busy for a while, and suggested Astrid and I also enjoy ourselves. Since stealth isn't really my thing anyways I stayed, but I wasn't really that into it.

       Lily and Lith went out on their own to the house of the man who they believed had stolen the Deck. When they arrived, they found him dead, with the deed to a keep next to him; he'd drawn the wrong card. Lith picked up the Deck, did a divination spell, moved some cards around, and drew the Star, the Vizier, and the Fates cards. Her patron had given her a mission to collect as many Fates cards as possible from the Deck, but in this draw, she took the one card Claire so desperately needed. 

       Eventually Momma and Lith came back to the brothel and got everyone, the boys were very unhappy to leave and whined the entire way home. When we got back to our little villa Momma produced the Deck and told us all we could draw from it. Rosebud went first, drawing the Knight, and causing a strange creature with the head of a horse attached to the hips of a halfling to appear. Apparently this is Rosebud's other half, Alfalfa; when Momma had created Rosebud he'd used the parts that were leftover to create this odd monstrosity. Rosebud's luck with the Deck didn't last though, and he drew the Ruin- which wrote him out of Lily's will.

       I needed to draw, but couldn't risk losing anything else that was important to me, so I completely stripped down, gave all of my things to Momma, claiming he owned them while I drew. Astrid did the same before she drew, but that didn't seem to help her luck much. She drew the Euryale, which is apparently a curse, followed by the Donjon which caused her to vanish. I went next and drew the Talon, which caused my Rod of Lordly Might, my Belt of Dwarvenkind, and my hand to disintegrate. Momma said it was supposed to make all of my magical items vanish, but since I had given him all of them before drawing, it could only dust what I had been attuned to. My second card was the Key, and a Defender sword appeared in my hand. It was a halfway decent sword, I guess, but it wasn't my Rod. I loved that thing. Maybe this stupid Deck really is out to get me.

       Flimflam went next, drawing first the Comet, which didn't seem to do anything, then he drew the Sun which gave him some magical item- I'm not sure which, I wasn't paying much attention; his final card was Balance, and I don't know what they card did either.

       Geophry was in the midst of drawing when Lith told him to say "yes" first. Then the little shit drew the Moon and got three wishes. Momma went next and drew the Rogue. Niles went last, drawing the Flames card.

       Now that we were done, Lith told Momma she wanted to make a deal to help get Astrid back, which would require him to give her assistance once when requested. He agreed and made Geophry use a wish to get her location. Then they had to convince Flimflam to let them borrow his Staff of the Magi, so they could plane shift to her. As Momma and Geophry vanished, a thirty foot geyser of oil erupted from the floor. I was still naked, and now covered in oil, slipping and sliding all over the place. Flimflam started making lecherous comments at me, and ignored me when I reminded him I'm his sister now. I yelled at him to fix the issue, so the asshole set the oil on fire, burning up everything in the room that wasn't magical- but he somehow didn't hurt me. He then hit me in the face with a firebolt, I guess just because he could.

       Momma, Astrid, and Geophry reappeared after that, to find scorch marks all over the room, and Flimflam trying to grope me with his Hand. I punched him and walked away, so he began attacking me with his Hand; I didn't want to fight him, but apparently that wasn't mutual, since the jackass kept hitting me, and managed to knock me unconscious. After Momma revived me, he punched Flimflam for being a perverted dick.

       I now had no clothing, thanks to Flimflam, and no longer hand a hand. Lith let me borrow one of her dresses, and we went to the temple to get my fingers regrown. It took about two minutes, and was the most agonizing pain I've ever experienced; I almost passed out. After that we bought me new clothes.

Photo from the "Gauntlgrym" novel by R.A. Salvatore

*Author's note: Many of the events, locations and characters that occur in this story are from the Out of the Abyss Adventure Module by Wizards of the Coast. Anything with an asterisk next to it is a quote from the book.