Tales from Toril- The Adventures of Critical Bumbersnoot: the Odd Company: Book One, Chapter Thirteen

Incognito Caravan

Dramatis Personae:

Winry Steamgear, the Rock Gnome Alchemist Artificer Wizard

"Critical" Bumbersnoot, Winry's Dachshund Mechanimal Construct
Dunderbittles, Winry's Clockwork Ladybug familiar

Oskar Heartforge, the Shield Dwarf Werewolf Priest of Moradin

Jak Foostus, the Minotaur Monk

Carmina, the Human Knight
Amara, the Human Noble
Sylvia, the Human Rogue

Gill O'Darby, the Human Ranger

Bex Thriceorphaned, the Goliath Juggernaut Barbarian Circle of the Crescent Druid
Trip Hazard, Bex's Golden Cat animal companion

Comrades we have lost:
Mara Quinn, the Water Genasi Revenant Werewolf Sea Sorceress- turned into a vampire, then killed by the party, then risen as a revenant, and killed again by the party

NOTE: Things will be mostly from Winry's perspective, anything in italics is from a third party view, since the artificer can't be everywhere at once. 

***** Mirtul 7, 1489 DR (The Year of the Warrior Princess), Luskan

       In the morning I suggested we change the girl's hair again to blend them in better. All three of them lightened their hair with lemon, and Amara hacked her hair off beforehand, giving Oskar the hair as a fake beard for him. I decided to dye my hair aqua, and decided to find a hat of disguise for Bumbersnoot, making him look like a flesh and blood dog would help blend us in better. Jak stumbled in while we were working on this, and we gave him spots, since that's really all we could do to disguise him.

       We wandered downstairs for breakfast, and One-Eyed Jax was at his usual post at the bar. He asked us exactly what happened to us, and Oskar told him the entire story. Oskar also paid him to never mention we came back here, since eventually those hunting the girls may come looking here for us again. Jax offered to set us up on a caravan to Mirabar, taking a roundabout way to Waterdeep was our best shot, we knew the hunters would be watching the ports. He gave us $100,000 to deliver a crate of goods- which included some of our random magic items- to a warehouse in Mirabar, and gave us directions to a discreet merchant we could go to for supplies and disguise materials.

       Jak, Sylvia, Gill, and I went shopping, while Oskar, Carmina, and Amara stayed behind to talk to Bex. I left Bumbersnoot with her to keep an eye on her for us. I hated going anywhere without my dog, but without him being disguised, anyone looking for us could recognize us with Bumbersnoot in tow. He also made a good guard against Bex.

       When we got back from shopping, Oskar set up a zone of truth so we could all speak honestly; I guess their talk with Bex went well, since she was included in this. Amara told us it was time she tell us who she truly is and why we're helping her. She's Talina Neverember, Carmina is her cousin, and Sylvia is her handmaiden. They ran from her father because he wanted to force her to marry someone to amass his power and become King of Neverwinter. The man they'd claimed was their father when we met them was actually the man Amara loved and had run away with to marry. Amara's mother was a prominent figure in Waterdeep, making a good chunk of the Sword Coast very unsafe for them. The girls wanted to get far enough south that they could live in peace, without fear of her father finding them. Now that we all knew the truth about them, Amara wanted to give us the option to back out of helping them. Of course we all agreed- surprisingly enough, so did Bex, I didn't think she would since she's convinced that Jak ripped her face off.

       After our conversation we checked in with Jax, who told us he'd found a caravan for us to Mirabar that leaves tomorrow. Apparently they needed bigger numbers in the caravan because of the barbarians we'd fought on our journey here the first time.

       Now that Bumbersnoot and I were disguised we went out shopping again, but didn't find anything useful. As we were leaving a golden cat tripped Bex, and seemed to want her to follow it; she came back later that night and said it was her new cat, which she'd named Trip Hazard. That's such a boring name for a pet, she so should have let me name it.

***** Mirtul 8, Luskan

       In the morning Bex was a man. Apparently she'd put on this girdle she randomly found, and it's cursed with sex change. None of us were mature enough to handle the conversation that ensued about removing the girdle to turn her back into a woman. Finally, after several minutes of utter ridiculousness, Oskar threw his hammer at her nuts and turned her back into a woman.

       We headed for the caravan midday; we were the rear guard in the 24 cart procession.

***** Mirtul 18, Mirabar

       We delivered Jax's goods to a very grumpy dwarf at a warehouse. He said he could get us on a caravan south, and he had tons of dwarven ale and elven flower cheese we could sell. That was perfect, so the others went to check when the next caravan would be leaving.

       The next caravan wasn't for another nine days, and we couldn't risk staying in Mirabar that long, so we decided to form our own caravan. Jak, Oskar, Carmina, and Amara went to get that ball rolling. They wouldn't let me go with them, because apparently I'm too conspicuous, even though Bumbersnoot looks like a flesh and blood dog and my hair is aqua blue instead of its natural bubblegum pink.

       They set up our caravan for two days from now, to let the word get out so we could gather enough wagons. While they were out working on it they were approached by a union representative for caravan guards- apparently it's a thing. He had a contract we needed to sign, so Jak ran it to me. It was a pretty standard contract, though the hazard pay would dick us over if we had to pay it out.

***** Mirtul 21, Mirabar

       We had a decent amount of carts in the caravan, and we set out today, heading for Waterdeep by way of Longsaddle. We had goods to sell along the way, that we should make a decent amount of money off of.

***** Mirtul 27, Longsaddle

       Our journey thus far had been largely uneventful, though I did finally crack the code on wizardry and finished my new Mechanimal, a Clockwork Ladybug named Dunderbittles! She's adorable.

       We took the ale and cheese to the Harper's, and sold off some of our goods. We also bought some experimental gadgets from the human there that were household goods designed to make people's lives easier. They're interesting, if they actually work.

***** Mirtul 28, Longsaddle

       We set out in the morning for Waterdeep. We'd be hitting Triboar and Red Larch next.

***** Mirtul 30, on the road

       It started getting stormy today, and our travel was set back for at least a day.

***** Kythorn 1, on the road

       Ra'zhi, the tabaxi Oskar had hired, told us that there was a situation up ahead of us. There were some giants on the road up ahead, and they looked like storm giants. He suggested we set an ambush, since there was the perfect spot for one right up the road for one. It was in a little valley, with some hill on either side. Ra'zhi had suggested that his crew- which consisted of Ra'zhi, who was a bard or something, Remington, a wizard, Korth, a fighter of some sort, and Ssivi, a cleric or something- go up to the top and we take the valley, between all of us we should be able to take the giants.

        Fog rolled in and we could just make out the silhouettes of three giants approaching. I cast a spell that made the path in front of them greasy, hoping it might help us. A lightning bolt struck me, Bumbersnoot, Dunderbittles, Bex, and Trip Hazard, and poor Dunderbittles went down instantly. I think I'm going to have to figure out how to make her harder to drop. Then all three of the girls dropped. Gill ran away in terror, and Jak did too. This wasn't a good way to start this fight. I hurried to revive Dunderbittles while Bex pulled Sylvia out of the line of fire.

       Up ahead Oskar was throwing his hammer at the giants, and two of them vanished after the hammer went through them. That was hella weird. Maybe it was a mirror image or something. I suddenly felt a pinch and my body went rigid. I was awake, but paralyzed. At least I couldn't fall off of Bumbersnoot, who instantly began doing his distress howl to alert Oskar. As I was bounced around on my dog, I caught snippets of the fight, since I couldn't see everything or participate until Oskar helped me.

       Bumbersnoot moved up to the unconscious Amara and Carmina, since he knows to go to Oskar if I need help, and Oskar would be going to the girls first. Bex drug them out of harm's way now, and a few moments later, Bex cried out in pain. Jak and Bumbersnoot went to her aid, and began an assault on the lizardfolk who had appeared out of nowhere. We'd later learn this was Korth, he'd just disguised himself as a dragonborn when we met him. Critical Bumbersnoot was shredding into Korth, keeping him prone for the most part, with Dunderbittles getting in poison bites, and Bex and Jak pounding the Hells out of him.

       Up above us, Ssivi had been exchanging spells with Oskar, so he put a silence spell on her to keep her from casting anything for at least a few breaths. He called out we'd been betrayed by the adventurers. Someone ended Oskar's silence quickly, and Ssivi hurt Bex hella bad. Gill had made his way over to the girls that Bumbersnoot, Dunderbittles, and Bex were fighting Korth over, and called out Sylvia had been poisoned. Right after that he went down again.

       Ssivi said something, and all of a sudden their entire group and the girls turned into mist. Oskar snarled in rage and dispelled it. Since they'd been stopped, My Mechanimals and Bex were still pounding on Korth, and he was dishing it out hard against Bex in return. The fight raged on, and I was still being bounced around on Bumbersnoot's back. Oskar hadn't been able to get to me yet.

       Eventually Korth dropped Bex, and turned to Bumbersnoot. I don't think he was expecting a mouthful of metal when he bit my puppy. Then Korth turned into an egg... apparently Ssivi had done so above us too. Jak called out that Ssivi wasn't in the egg, and Bumbersnoot discovered Korth wasn't in his. Jak found an invisible Remington trying to flee, and literally pounded his head in. Ra'zhi escaped in the chaos.

       Oskar was a seething ball of dwarven rage, and he angrily stuffed Remington's body into his bag of holding. The ring of mind shielding the mage had been wearing was also snatched by Oskar, he wanted to make sure Remington didn't come back to life ever. He was hella scary right now. That dwarf is homicidally protective of those girls.

Tales from Toril- The Adventures of Critical Bumbersnoot: the Odd Company: A Yawning Portal Novella, Chapter Nine

Troublesome Travels

Dramatis Personae:

Winry Steamgear, the Rock Gnome Alchemist Artificer

"Critical" Bumbersnoot, Winry's Dachshund Mechanimal Construct

Mara Quinn, the Water Genasi Werewolf Sea Sorceress

Steve, Quinn's Octopus familiar

Oskar Heartforge, the Shield Dwarf Werewolf Priest of Moradin

Jak Foostus, the Minotaur Monk
Carmina, the Human Woman-at-arms
Amara, the Human Noble
Sylvia, the Human Handmaiden
Gil, the Human Farm Boy 

NOTE: Things will be mostly from Winry's perspective, anything in italics is from a third party view, since the artificer can't be everywhere at once. 

***** Tarsakh 22, 1489 DR (The Year of the Warrior Princess), somewhere in the Crags

       All of the damn oxen were killed by the giants, so Jak and Oskar had to pull the carts for us. The only person from the farm that was still alive was the boy- Gil, and after a little while he helped with the carts too. He'd lost his Uncle Fred in the fight with the giants, who was the only person he had left in the world; the rest of his family was killed when the giants first attacked his little community.

       It was pretty late by the time we got back, and as we approached we heard shouts. I could make out calls of movement in the dark, before they realized it was us. A huge crowd gathered around us, asking what had happened- apparently the guy who had run away during the fight, made it back here in record time and told everyone we were all slaughtered- so not only did he abandon us, but he ensured no one would go out to try to find and help us.

       The coward in question- Joe- started trying to slink away from us as the others repeated what he'd said, but Oskar saw him and grabbed him before he could get away. The moment Gil found him in the crowd, he snarled in rage and began to run at him, but Jak grabbed him before he could reach Joe. Oskar had two of the villagers grab Joe, while Jak pinned Gil for the next few minutes to calm him down. Once Gil was calmer, Oskar and I went with the villagers who had Joe, and we took him to the little shed he, Gil, and Gil's uncle had been living in. Oskar paid them to guard the place and I set some alarms so he couldn't escape unnoticed.

       In the middle of the night, Wave and the hammer of warning woke us up again, for the second night in a row, and again there was nothing there. I was getting really fucking tired of this nonsense.

***** Tarsakh 23, farming village in the Crags

      In the morning, Oskar asked Gil if he wanted Joe to undergo trial by combat, but after thinking about it for a bit, Gil decided he wanted Joe's punishment to be a lot longer lasting than that. He decided that Joe should revive the entire farm by himself; which is a hella worse punishment than Oskar's idea had been.

       We packed ourselves up and hit the road not long after that. Gil came with us, he didn't really have anything left there, and couldn't stand the thought of sticking around. We were about 7 1/2 miles from River Mirar, which we could take to Luskan.

       After about 3 hours, we spotted the river in the distance, along with some sort of outpost. There was a barge there, several guards wearing the insignia for Mirabar. When we arrived, there was a dwarf at the gate, and were allowed entrance to Mirabar's outpost. The girls all tried to hide themselves in the cowls of their cloaks, just in case any of the men hunting them were there. The last thing we needed was for them to get recognized here. We split up to find out how to gain passage on the barge.

       Jak and I went to look for any merchants, Oskar went to find the quartermaster, Carmina and Amara hit the tavern, and Sylvia and Gil stayed at the wagon with our stuff; we did have some hella expensive gear in there. Jak and I were redirected to the inn where Quartermaster Jenkins was.

       We reached the inn at about the same time that Carmina and Amara walked out, looking nervous. The men chasing them were here. Oskar had been told we couldn't get on the barge until tomorrow, so Jak and I went to bribe the asshole so we could leave on the barge that was about to head out. Quinn had taken a shine to the broken down barge at the docks, and managed to convince the owner, a guy named Steve, that agreed to take us to Luskan in his junk heap, if Quinn fixed it first.

       We hurried to the barge, with Quinn telling us they'd meet us on the other side of the river after she fixed Steve's busted boat. As we hurried to get to the barge in time, the men who were chasing the girls came out and hollered to tell people to stop us- but they were too late. It took about an hour to get across the river, and about an hour after that we found Quinn and set sail for Luskan.

       About three hours later Oskar spotted large carrion birds in the distance, in the direction we were traveling. Jak decided to go check it out, and came back to tell us he'd found a bunch of dead frost giants and humans. We decided to go check it all out together, and gave Steve a bottle of something to occupy himself while we were gone.

       Jak and Oskar set to cutting off the giant toes, while I began identifying the magic on their skins and swords, and Quinn began gathering everything into a bundle to bring back with us. I'd just finished identifying the swords, but I couldn't quite tell what magic was in them, when we heard howls and hoof beats.

       We saw a group of wolves and humans coming at us, Quinn squealed and dropped everything she'd gathered. Then the riders looking for the girls showed up. We were boxed in- barbarians and wolves to our left, humans on horses to our right- and our only hope was to get back to the barge before they converged on us, and that was a hella slim hope. I shrunk Quinn to put her on Bumbersnoot, since she was slowest, gave Gil and Amara expeditious retreat rabbits, and gave Sylvia a hummingbird to drink to boost her speed. Unfortunately I couldn't do anything for Carmina, four people was kinda my limit at the moment.

       Amara yelled at Oskar to do something, so he summoned his spirit weapon and hit a barbarian. As he did, I noticed some of the barbarians were engaging the soldiers. Carmina stabbed one of the barbarians; I had Bumbersnoot trip one, I shot it with NATAS, and we ran to catch up to Amara and Sylvia- we would be sticking near them until they were safely on the ship, I hoped keeping us between the girls and our assailants would provide a decent target to divert attention from them. Quinn bitched that this isn't how you're supposed to run away, but those girls were the entire reason we were running, and protecting them was important. Jak began beating the shit out of a wolf, finishing it off with some encouragement from Amara.

       The riders reached Oskar and Carmina then, and began helping fend off the barbarians. Oskar's spirit guardians killed a wolf, and his weapon another. I shot one of the barbarians, and suddenly NATAS announced in my head that she was at 75% functionality, the charged plasma bolt was available, and think F1 for manual. The battle raged on- with Quinn randomly attempting some mental attack on me- we were slowly falling back to the barge, keeping the barbarians at bay with help from the soldiers, who put themselves between the barbarians and us.

       I decided to try that charged plasma bolt, and I managed to kill three of the four barbarians I hit with it. Then an alarm went off in my head and NATAS announced she'd overheated. Hopefully when she gets more functionality she'll stop overheating all the gods damned time. We were so close to the barge at this point, almost free. Quinn used that chaos bolt of hers, and hit Gil, Bumbersnoot, and I with acid bubbles. She's way too fucking reckless.

       Gil set a sleet storm on a group of barbarians and jumped on the barge. Jak charged the wolves trying to surround Oskar, killing two in a single blow, then finishing off the third with a nasty punch. Oskar, now free of wolves, grabbed Carmina and began flying to the ship. Steve the captain had passed out, so I had Bumbersnoot jump onto the barge so Quinn could prepare us to leave as soon as everyone was on. One of the soldiers yelled at us to "protect the-" but died before he could finish his statement. Obviously one or all of those girls is noble in some way. Amara and Sylvia made it onto the barge, and Amara said we should try to wait for those soldiers. Quinn couldn't reach the soldiers with water walk, so she cast off anyway. We all sailed off, leaving those poor soldiers behind like fodder.

       Oskar demanded an explanation from the girls, which they gave to him alone, and he refused to tell anyone else.

***** Tarsakh 26, Luskan

       We reached Luskan unmolested, in record time, according to Quinn. Every single fucking night, right in the middle of the night, Wave and my hammer would wake us up to warn us of danger, when there was nothing present. I was getting hella sick of that shit. Wave's constant singing was also really grating on my nerves.

       We were charged 100 gold for a trade permit, and taxed another 3600 for all of our magic gear. Captain Steve wasn't allowed in Luskan, apparently the drunkard had caused trouble before- it's got to be a fuck ton of trouble to be booted from fucking Luskan.

       We went to One-Eyed Jax Inn, it was the most defensible, and debated our options for our next move. The girls were thinking we needed to head south next to Baldur's Gate, which is close enough to home for me that I could get us decent protection if we headed to the Friendly Arm Inn from there. We still needed to hit Neverwinter to turn in those stupid items- especially Wave- and get paid; and we needed to hit Waterdeep to give Jackass his balls. But getting the girls to safety was more important than that, we could always do that once they were safe.

       We got three merchant class rooms, and put the girls in the middle, with Oskar and I in one end room, and Quinn, Jak, and Gil in the other- to get maximum distance on our weapons of warning. I put alarms on the girl's windows and door, to make sure no one could get in except us.

       Again we were woken up in the middle of the fucking night. Oskar thinks it's got something to do with the girls- since this started after we met them. I planned to have detect magic on tomorrow night at this time, and watch the girl's room, to see if I see anything. Oskar was going to have detect evil up to see if that showed us anything either.

***** Tarsakh 27, One-Eyed Jax, Luskan

       In the morning there was an envelope in the girl's room from the Coldfire Initiative, saying that we could turn in our weapons to the man at the bar. Oskar and Jak were more than willing to give up their weapons, but Quinn was a bit more difficult. By a bit more, I mean we had to yell at her, remind her she'd signed a contract, and then Oskar and Jak had to carry Quinn in. The stupid trident told me it knows the location of Lantan. Big fucking deal, it's on the map. I hate that stupid trident.

       Whelm kept returning to Oskar's hand when he placed it in the box the innkeep presented for them to put their weapons in. After a few tries, Oskar dumped some ale on the hammer, and he begrudgingly stayed in the box. Blackrazor had a very loud tantrum when Jak put him in the box, it was hella funny. All that was left was Wave... which we literally forced out of Quinn's hands. We were each handed a bag of money and a box. Once the innkeep locked the box with the weapons in it, all of our boxes unlocked- except for Quinn's.

       Jak got some rings that help him do more damage or something. Oskar got a dwarven thrower. I got lenses the size of Bumbersnoot's eye lenses, which would function like a lantern of revealing when installed, and I got the lightning components for a javelin of lightning... THIS IS GOING TO BE HELLA COOL!!!! I couldn't wait to get Bumbersnoot's new upgrades installed! At about this point, Quinn said her box hadn't opened yet, and the innkeep banged on the lid of the box he was carrying, winked at her, and the box opened. A sea shanty filled the air... fucking Wave was fucking back! I hate that annoying trident.

       We all went shopping... except for Quinn, who had to go preach at the docks to appease her stupid trident.

       When we got back, there was another message from the Coldfire Initiative, saying they'd booked us passage to Baldur's Gate, with a layover in Waterdeep, leaving at 12 tomorrow. I was a bit creeped out.

       That night, shortly before the exact middle of the night, Oskar and I got up and cast our planned spells. I watched the girl's room, and detected absolutely no magic from there when the moment passed. Oskar said he got a tiny blip of evil, but couldn't determine exactly where or what it was.

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