Moon Madness
Dramatis Personae:
Winry Steamgear, the Rock Gnome Alchemist Artificer
Bumbersnoot, Winry's Dachshund Mechanimal Construct
Mara Quinn, the Water Genasi Sea Sorceress
Steve, Quinn's Octopus familiar
Oskar Heartforge, the Shield Dwarf Priest of Moradin
Jak Foostus, the Minotaur Monk
NOTE: Things will be mostly from Winry's perspective, anything in italics is from a third party view, since the artificer can't be everywhere at once.
***** Tarsakh 15, 1489 DR (The Year of the Warrior Princess), White Plume Mountain
As we were preparing to leave the gynosphix's lair and continue our mission, Oskar told us what little information he had about this mountain. He said that a wizard created it, or was largely associated with its origin, and this wizard vanished about 1500 years ago. Not the most helpful information, but it's still a bit more than we knew.
When we were ready to move on, Bumbersnoot and I went down in my lift again- that thing is so useful!- then the others followed. We saw some markings on the wall next to the little lair, when Quinn had apparently stumbled a couple of times trying to get herself back up when she went to retrieve Steve at the end of her watch. Didn't think much of it, since no one came at us during my watch, they just passed under us.
Jak tried to determine which of the three paths was the most traveled, but it wasn't easy since there was a foot of water on the floor. He eventually said that the center path was our best option, but he was probably just picking a random direction. Quinn cast water walk on us again so we didn't have to slosh through that yuckiness.
As we passed through the intersection, we heard the grinding of stone- the way back to the gynosphinx's lair was now blocked off. Before we really registered that Jak heard some sloshing in the water and Oskar's hammer began to glow.
A pair of hands popped out of the water and grabbed at Jak's ankles, trying to trip him. The owner of said hands was two wights who decided to pop up, and Jak began pounding on them instantly. Then two ogres came at us from a side tunnel. Bumbersnoot turned to them and used his steam breath, though the ogre just barely managed to dodge it. Another fucking wight came at us, and two more ogres came out of the other side tunnel. I think Quinn's very obvious goo marks on the wall were noticed and they laid a trap for us. Fanfuckingtastic.
Since Jak seemed to have the wights mostly pinned down, and Oskar and Quinn were dealing with the second set of ogres, Bumbersnoot and I focused on the two in front of us. I sent a beetle to the closest one, and it got covered in acid. Then I hit it with my quickrazor, which seemed to hurt it hella bad. Bumbersnoot bit the ogre's ankle and managed to trip it! It was hella funny watching my little brass dog trip a fucking ogre!
Around the corner from Winry and Bumbersnoot, Quinn set a chaos bolt at a wight, killing it instantly, and Jak continued working on pounding the final wight into a pulp. Oskar summoned his spirit guardians and killed one of the ogres near him with it, then hurt the other one with his spiritual weapon.
The ogre in front of us got up and swiped at Bumbersnoot and I, giving us an amazing opening. Critical Bumbersnoot grabbed the ogre and yanked on his leg so hard that when he fell his head exploded out like a melon. Bumbersnoot took us to the other ogre on our side and tripped him, then I hit him with an acid beetle- my quickrazor missed, it was a weird angle from his prone position with that weapon.
Quinn lashed out at the ogre in front of her and somehow managed to hit herself instead. Jak finished beating the remaining wight, leaving just the ogre on Quinn and the one Winry and Critical Bumbersnoot were dealing with. Oskar's spirit weapon and guardians hit the ogre on them hard, but not quite hard enough; Quinn zapped him with a shocking grasp, leaving a curse behind- allowing Jak to finish it off.
The ogre got up again and hit Bumbersnoot! Now he had to die. Nobody hurts my puppy and lives. Bumbersnoot grabbed his ankle and knocked him back down, then I sent another acid beetle at it and hit it with my razor. Before we could do anything else, Oskar came around the corner and killed it with his spirit guardians... I was a little disgruntled that he killed that one, I wanted to kill it for hurting Bumbersnoot.
We continued going down the center path and eventually came across a pit. Jak went in, said it was about 10 feet big, and there was a valve that he was going to pull. Somehow, Jak dislocated his shoulder trying to turn the valve, and didn't even manage to make the damn thing budge. He screamed like a banshee when Oskar popped it back into place, giving him shit the entire time. We went to look at the valve, and it wheel was completely corroded with rust. I gave Quinn a little bit of metal and she used the mending spell to fix it up. It was so badly damaged that it took two mendings to turn the fucking thing, and when it finally moved, the water started draining from the room.
With that finally fucking done, we continued on and eventually entered a room covered in water, with steps rising out of the muck on the far side of the room. We noticed a little ripple that was likely a ledge, and as we drew near, Oskar's hammer began to glow. A female humanoid popped her head out of the water, and charmed Jak; a second head emerged and attempted to charm me, but it didn't work. We're facing at least two kelpies here and Jak is charmed by one of them. Fanfuckingtastic.
Jak began an awkward trance-like walk toward the first kelpie, while Bumbersnoot and I turned to the next one. Bumbersnoot bit the one who'd tried to charm me, then I hit the bitch with acid. I flicked my wrist to slash her with my quickrazor, but the fucking thing jammed. Oskar and Quinn went for the other kelpie, Quinn zapped it and Oskar whacked it with his hammer. Jak was now lying at the other kelpie's feet, stunned or something.
The kelpie in front of us grabbed Bumbersnoot and he couldn't break out. I tried to free him, but I'm just not strong enough, and my Daring Sir didn't do nearly as much to the kelpie as it should have. My poor puppy kept struggling, he was badly hurt, but I couldn't get him out of the kelpie's grasp. Quinn came to our aid and hit the kelpie with a frostbite, but it didn't break her hold on my baby. Then things got hella bad. The kelpie grabbed onto me and began to pull both of us underwater. Quinn pursued to help us, thank the Gods.
Jak managed to break out of the charm the kelpie had placed on him. The kelpie who had charmed him grabbed him and attempted to drag him under the water, but Oskar grabbed tight to the minotaur, determined to keep him from going under. Oskar began beating on the kelpie while maintaining his hold on Jak. Oskar managed to keep hold of it long enough for Jak to kill it.
Bumbersnoot and I managed to squirm out of the kelpie's cold, wet grasp, but only for a brief second before the bitch grabbed me and held tight again. Bumbersnoot bit her, but he couldn't get me free. Quinn hit the kelpie with an ice knife, which explodes on impact. She killed the kelpie, but now I was trapped in fucking ice. Bumbersnoot used his steam breath to melt the ice, and Quinn hit it, breaking it enough for me to get free.
We met up with the others I asked for us to take a break so I could repair Bumbersnoot. The kelpie had damaged him so badly that he was going to take a lot of work to get fixed up. Quinn actually sped the process up for me with that mending spell. That thing is hella useful. I need to figure out how to learn it.
Once Bumbersnoot was fixed up we were underway again, and we eventually came to a door on our right, and an additional one just down the hall. Jak started messing with door, so Oskar pried it open. I told them I could just pick the lock, but male stubbornness I guess. Whatever. It saves the wear on my lockpicks anyway.
On the other side of the door was a metal cylinder that was spinning madly. It was painted with a black and white spiral pattern, which made me hella dizzy to look at. It also looked like the cylinder was coated with something.* I spent about a minute looking at it, trying to determine if there was a way I could jam it or something, and I began to feel enthralled by it. I'm not sure how long I kept starting at that stupid thing, in a complete trance, but eventually Oskar slapped me back to my senses.
Oskar had a spell that would help us get through the tunnel, but it would take a few minutes to cast. Jak got bored and ran through the tunnel. Quinn decided to follow him and used her misty step to get over there. Apparently only Bumbersnoot and needed to wait for that spell. While we waited, I saw a green mist comes out of the corridor behind Jak and Quinn, and Jak puked- thankfully not in the tunnel. Then a crossbow bolt seemed to just appear in Quinn's side. We needed to get over there quickly. Thankfully Oskar was finishing up his spell, and a bridge made of air went through the cylinder now.
The three of us hurried onto the bridge and through the tunnel, but before we reached the other side, the thick, green cloud ignited. The flames caused Oskar's bridge to vanish, and the three of us tumbled down, left at the mercy of the cylinder; which some asshole dumped oil on, making it hella difficult for us to get up and out. I mean, I'm sure that was the point, but really, the cylinder is enough of a bitch without dumping fucking oil on it. Anyway, the three of us were now being jostled around by a tunnel from Hells that was on fucking fire. Quinn dumped a bunch of water into the tunnel to help extinguish the flames, but instead it only sputtered for a second, before flaming back to life- this time there seemed to be even more fire. Bumbersnoot and I tried to get him on his feet, but it just wasn't working, and to make it even more annoying, as we struggled some thunder spell hit us.
We finally made it up and out of the damned thing and I went to pick the lock on the door- for once they actually waited for me to do it. Of course the one time they actually wait for me, and we can't even get the door open. I emptied an acid beetle on it to start dissolving it. Quinn sent a wave of thunder through the murder holes, and whoever was on the other side retaliated with another green cloud... making Jak puke again. Oskar began beating on the door, putting a huge crack in it. Then Quinn decided to destroy all of the water in the door, shrinking and warping it. I began to feel the nauseating effects of that cloud too, it was hella awful.
Even shrunk and warped the door still did not want to come down. Bumbersnoot headbutted the stupid thing, and Oskar started pounding on it with his shield. The people on the other side of the murder holes hit Quinn, and she turned into water and flowed through the holes... That's a new one. Bumbersnoot rammed the door again, and it snapped- flying past us and into the stupid tunnel of douchebaggery.
We were greeted on the other side of the door to four werewolves. Fanfuckingtastic. Oskar hit one of them and it vanished- she was using a mirror image. Quinn doubled her chaotic bolt thingy, killed the dude that was in the murder holes, and popped another illusion. Jak got rid of the final illusion, leaving us with the one hella pissed off werewolf.
Bumbersnoot bit her ankle, but wasn't able to trip her. I hit her with an acid beetle and slashed at her midsection with my quickrazor. The wolf snarled and leapt onto Oskar, doing what looked like some pretty nasty damage to him- and then the bitch (pun intended) put another set of mirror images up. Oskar sent a healing burst to us all, and Quinn yelled at the wolf to get fleas... which did literally nothing. I think she was trying to give it fleas, but I can't be sure. Jak popped two of the illusions and managed to score a hit on the bitch herself. Bumbersnoot took out the final illusion and I hit the bitch hard with my quickrazor.
...She fucking put up more mirror images... I'm starting to think the bitch only knows a single spell. She clawed into poor Oskar once her mirrors were in place again. Quinn took out a mirror, as did Jak, but then he slipped somehow and she was able to rip into him. Again Critical Bumbersnoot popped the final mirror, and I hit her hella hard with my quickrazor- somehow she evaded my acid beetle. The bitch continued mauling the fuck out of Oskar while he scrambled to heal himself so he could survive this onslaught. Quinn finished her off with that weird changing bolt of hers. Oskar stabilized the bitch and I stuck her in one of my balls.
The room we were in was small, with just a couple benches and a table. There was a candlestick on the table, along with a book. Oskar opened the book and an explosion went off.* Quinn was standing too close to Oskar when he opened the book, and was now covered in some hella nasty burns, her skin looked charred and waxy, especially on her face, which was so grotesque I had a little trouble keeping my lunch down.
Jak opened up the door that lead into the next room and it was like stepping into a different world. This room was beautifully decorated, with fine rugs, erotic tapestries, shimmering curtains, and the ceiling had a mosaic that depicted a summer sky full of fluffy clouds. There was a huge bed covered in cushions, it looked hella comfy. There was a bed next to the table that was covered in all sorts of yummy looking cake. Of course Jak didn't seem to notice any of this, he beelined straight for the big oak chest in the corner.* The second the chest opened another green cloud oozed out, making me sick- again- so Bumbersnoot took up out of the room while we waited for the cloud to clear.
We decided to take a rest here, since this seemed secluded enough. Unfortunately the cushy looking bed was hard, lumpy, and uncomfortable; and the food was tough and didn't taste very good. This place was nothing but a giant disappointment- but it seemed like a safe disappointment, so there was that. To close the door on the other side of the tunnel we ended up shooting a crossbow bolt at it, with a rope attached, so we could pull it closed. I couldn't find anything that could stop the stupid thing from spinning.
A couple of hours into the rest, I woke up to Quinn in distress- apparently something invisible was attacking her. Another invisible thing was in the next room with Oskar and Jak, but they took theirs out pretty quickly. Quinn put mist around the floor to look for disturbances, and Oskar was swinging a bag of flour, hoping to get some on it so we could find it. Jak was charging blindly around the room, and ran head first into Bumbersnoot, and he dropped to the floor- the dumbass had knocked himself out with my dog. I didn't know if I should laugh or be annoyed that he hurt Bumbersnoot in the process.
Oskar managed to find the guy and pointed him out to us, then revived Jak. Bumbersnoot hit it with his steam breath, and I saw an acid beetle break on something that wasn't there. It went for Oskar, and we all converged on it. We completely decimated the fucking thing, then waited about ten minutes to see if it did anything more. We couldn't even get it in a ball because we couldn't find that damn thing.
About an hour later, Oskar began to feel rage, shifting into a werewolf for the first time. Bumbersnoot was the only one in the room on watch with him, so he attacked the Mechanimal. Bumbersnoot let out a tinny howl to wake up the rest of the group. Oskar lunged at Bumbersnoot, who defended himself with steam breath. Jak was the first one in the room, and his initial thought was that Bumbersnoot was just attacking Oskar unprovoked- he hadn't noticed the change in his companion yet- so he attacked Bumbersnoot too. Having a fleshy target changed Oskar's course, and he attacked Jak, biting the minotaur. Quinn came out and tried to use ice to muzzle Oskar- but it didn't work. Somehow Winry was sleeping through the entire altercation.
I woke up to Bumbersnoot nosing me, telling me there was a threat, so I grabbed my bag and hopped on my dogs back and he brought me out. I sent an acid beetle to Oskar and hit him with my quickrazor. Jak was beating on Oskar, and then he ran into the bedroom, dodging my exploding mouse. Quinn tried to freeze Oskar into a corner- which didn't go so well. Jak managed to tackle him and hold him down, and Quinn tried again to give him an ice muzzle. I was tired, cranky, and straight up pissed about Oskar hurting my baby so I didn't exercise restraint when I stabbed him with my scimitar and my quickrazor, and I didn't tell Bumbersnoot to restrain himself when he bit Oskar.
Jak continued beating on Oskar, trying to knock him out, and Quinn was hellbent on trapping him in ice instead of rendering him unconscious. After the ice muzzle failed- twice- she tried to restrain him in ice... which he fucking broke out of. I missed him as he squirmed out of the ice, but thankfully Jak kept hold of him. Quinn tried again to use ice to stop him- this time by trying to surround him entirely in it. Unfortunately it was at the same moment that Bumbersnoot used his steam breath, so the ice wasn't very helpful. Oskar apparently didn't appreciate the steam breath, he grabbed onto me and bit me. Jak slammed into him and beat on him before Oskar broke away and ended up in the corner of the room again. Critical Bumbersnoot and I knocked him out.
We got Oskar tied up and stable, and I dumped some silver onto him. But he didn't stay down. He rolled away from Jak, and Quinn missed him with ice again. We began trying to knock the fucking werewolf out again. Somehow in the chaos that ensued he managed to bit Jak, and Jak went down. I revived Jak, and eventually we got Oskar unconscious again, and under control. We were going to just lock Oskar in the room, but Jak insisted on staying in there with him, so Quinn froze the door shut to keep them both inside.
***** Tarsakh 16, White Plume Mountain
In the morning the plain, yucky food on the table had been transformed into hearty dwarven food, and it was damn good. Evidently Moradin was smiling upon his priest. Oskar cast a spell to remove curses on Jak and I to prevent us from being turned into werewolves- I really hope it worked. Once we'd finished eating this incredible meal, we headed on our way.
Along the corridor we encountered three doors, which Jak opened up, and found nothing inside. Eventually the corridor spilled out into a small room that was surrounded by some sort of force field, keeping the boiling water above it at bay. It was steamy in here, distorting our vision a little bit. We could just make out a chest on the other side of the room, which Jak swaggered up to and flipped it out carelessly.
A nearly translucent arm covered in barbs appeared out of nowhere and slapped Oskar, just as another nearly invisible arm slapped Jak. Our attack revealed itself to be a giant cave mantis shrimp. Quinn tried to charm it with her trident, but nothing happened. Jak began pounding on it, and it dodged my acid beetle. With a snap of its claw the mantis shrimp dropped Jak. With that, Oskar activated his spirit guardians, and revived Jak.
The shrimp dodged my acid beetle again, and Jak popped up to get a few hits in before it dropped him again. It moved away from the unconscious Jak and swung at Bumbersnoot, missing him, then hitting Oskar hard. Bumbersnoot used his steam breath- I didn't want him biting that shrimp if I could avoid it- and it finally was struck by my beetle! Oskar's spirit guardians seemed to hurt it pretty badly, and Quinn vanished... I think she was blinking.
Jak was up again, thanks to Oskar, and tossed a ball at the shrimp, but it didn't do anything, just opened up. The shrimp's arm reared back and it sliced whatever the fuck was holding the water back- the scalding water began sloshing in, and its arm starting looking pink- I think it was cooking itself. Jak fumbled an attack at it, and it dropped him AGAIN. Oskar got the killing blow, and revived Jak again; he caught the shrimp in a ball. Quinn suddenly misty stepped across the room to the chest and picked up the trident in it. She yelled at us to get to the chest, and I grabbed that open ball on my way so I could tinker with it later.
The trident had Quinn activate a cube of force to protect us from the boiling just in the nick of time. We began to float upward, all the way up the mountain, then were shot up toward the plume. Eventually we were bouncing against the top of the mountain, stuck in a steam vent just outside of the hole, when we noticed a cave. We all slammed into the side of the cube to move ourselves there, and the cube popped just in time to spill us out into the most bizarre cave I've ever seen.
The walls were strange- a kind of metal I'd never seen before, and it was fused with the natural rocks. There was a hole on the other side of the room that it looked like we could squeeze through to go further in. This must be where the dragon thingy the professor sent us here for is. There was a flashing green light that Oskar hit with his hammer... a bunch of things lit up at that, and I heard the familiar whirring of machines. It all shut back down in a few seconds, and some red lights began flashing where the wall and floor met. I don't know what this place is, but I need to take it apart and learn everything about it. I am so glad I had the tech clause removed from my contract!
*Author's note: Many of the events, locations and characters that occur in this story are from Tales from the Yawning Portal by Wizards of the Coast.
As we were preparing to leave the gynosphix's lair and continue our mission, Oskar told us what little information he had about this mountain. He said that a wizard created it, or was largely associated with its origin, and this wizard vanished about 1500 years ago. Not the most helpful information, but it's still a bit more than we knew.
When we were ready to move on, Bumbersnoot and I went down in my lift again- that thing is so useful!- then the others followed. We saw some markings on the wall next to the little lair, when Quinn had apparently stumbled a couple of times trying to get herself back up when she went to retrieve Steve at the end of her watch. Didn't think much of it, since no one came at us during my watch, they just passed under us.
Jak tried to determine which of the three paths was the most traveled, but it wasn't easy since there was a foot of water on the floor. He eventually said that the center path was our best option, but he was probably just picking a random direction. Quinn cast water walk on us again so we didn't have to slosh through that yuckiness.
As we passed through the intersection, we heard the grinding of stone- the way back to the gynosphinx's lair was now blocked off. Before we really registered that Jak heard some sloshing in the water and Oskar's hammer began to glow.
A pair of hands popped out of the water and grabbed at Jak's ankles, trying to trip him. The owner of said hands was two wights who decided to pop up, and Jak began pounding on them instantly. Then two ogres came at us from a side tunnel. Bumbersnoot turned to them and used his steam breath, though the ogre just barely managed to dodge it. Another fucking wight came at us, and two more ogres came out of the other side tunnel. I think Quinn's very obvious goo marks on the wall were noticed and they laid a trap for us. Fanfuckingtastic.
Since Jak seemed to have the wights mostly pinned down, and Oskar and Quinn were dealing with the second set of ogres, Bumbersnoot and I focused on the two in front of us. I sent a beetle to the closest one, and it got covered in acid. Then I hit it with my quickrazor, which seemed to hurt it hella bad. Bumbersnoot bit the ogre's ankle and managed to trip it! It was hella funny watching my little brass dog trip a fucking ogre!
Around the corner from Winry and Bumbersnoot, Quinn set a chaos bolt at a wight, killing it instantly, and Jak continued working on pounding the final wight into a pulp. Oskar summoned his spirit guardians and killed one of the ogres near him with it, then hurt the other one with his spiritual weapon.
The ogre in front of us got up and swiped at Bumbersnoot and I, giving us an amazing opening. Critical Bumbersnoot grabbed the ogre and yanked on his leg so hard that when he fell his head exploded out like a melon. Bumbersnoot took us to the other ogre on our side and tripped him, then I hit him with an acid beetle- my quickrazor missed, it was a weird angle from his prone position with that weapon.
Quinn lashed out at the ogre in front of her and somehow managed to hit herself instead. Jak finished beating the remaining wight, leaving just the ogre on Quinn and the one Winry and Critical Bumbersnoot were dealing with. Oskar's spirit weapon and guardians hit the ogre on them hard, but not quite hard enough; Quinn zapped him with a shocking grasp, leaving a curse behind- allowing Jak to finish it off.
The ogre got up again and hit Bumbersnoot! Now he had to die. Nobody hurts my puppy and lives. Bumbersnoot grabbed his ankle and knocked him back down, then I sent another acid beetle at it and hit it with my razor. Before we could do anything else, Oskar came around the corner and killed it with his spirit guardians... I was a little disgruntled that he killed that one, I wanted to kill it for hurting Bumbersnoot.
We continued going down the center path and eventually came across a pit. Jak went in, said it was about 10 feet big, and there was a valve that he was going to pull. Somehow, Jak dislocated his shoulder trying to turn the valve, and didn't even manage to make the damn thing budge. He screamed like a banshee when Oskar popped it back into place, giving him shit the entire time. We went to look at the valve, and it wheel was completely corroded with rust. I gave Quinn a little bit of metal and she used the mending spell to fix it up. It was so badly damaged that it took two mendings to turn the fucking thing, and when it finally moved, the water started draining from the room.
With that finally fucking done, we continued on and eventually entered a room covered in water, with steps rising out of the muck on the far side of the room. We noticed a little ripple that was likely a ledge, and as we drew near, Oskar's hammer began to glow. A female humanoid popped her head out of the water, and charmed Jak; a second head emerged and attempted to charm me, but it didn't work. We're facing at least two kelpies here and Jak is charmed by one of them. Fanfuckingtastic.
Jak began an awkward trance-like walk toward the first kelpie, while Bumbersnoot and I turned to the next one. Bumbersnoot bit the one who'd tried to charm me, then I hit the bitch with acid. I flicked my wrist to slash her with my quickrazor, but the fucking thing jammed. Oskar and Quinn went for the other kelpie, Quinn zapped it and Oskar whacked it with his hammer. Jak was now lying at the other kelpie's feet, stunned or something.
The kelpie in front of us grabbed Bumbersnoot and he couldn't break out. I tried to free him, but I'm just not strong enough, and my Daring Sir didn't do nearly as much to the kelpie as it should have. My poor puppy kept struggling, he was badly hurt, but I couldn't get him out of the kelpie's grasp. Quinn came to our aid and hit the kelpie with a frostbite, but it didn't break her hold on my baby. Then things got hella bad. The kelpie grabbed onto me and began to pull both of us underwater. Quinn pursued to help us, thank the Gods.
Jak managed to break out of the charm the kelpie had placed on him. The kelpie who had charmed him grabbed him and attempted to drag him under the water, but Oskar grabbed tight to the minotaur, determined to keep him from going under. Oskar began beating on the kelpie while maintaining his hold on Jak. Oskar managed to keep hold of it long enough for Jak to kill it.
Bumbersnoot and I managed to squirm out of the kelpie's cold, wet grasp, but only for a brief second before the bitch grabbed me and held tight again. Bumbersnoot bit her, but he couldn't get me free. Quinn hit the kelpie with an ice knife, which explodes on impact. She killed the kelpie, but now I was trapped in fucking ice. Bumbersnoot used his steam breath to melt the ice, and Quinn hit it, breaking it enough for me to get free.
We met up with the others I asked for us to take a break so I could repair Bumbersnoot. The kelpie had damaged him so badly that he was going to take a lot of work to get fixed up. Quinn actually sped the process up for me with that mending spell. That thing is hella useful. I need to figure out how to learn it.
Once Bumbersnoot was fixed up we were underway again, and we eventually came to a door on our right, and an additional one just down the hall. Jak started messing with door, so Oskar pried it open. I told them I could just pick the lock, but male stubbornness I guess. Whatever. It saves the wear on my lockpicks anyway.
On the other side of the door was a metal cylinder that was spinning madly. It was painted with a black and white spiral pattern, which made me hella dizzy to look at. It also looked like the cylinder was coated with something.* I spent about a minute looking at it, trying to determine if there was a way I could jam it or something, and I began to feel enthralled by it. I'm not sure how long I kept starting at that stupid thing, in a complete trance, but eventually Oskar slapped me back to my senses.
Oskar had a spell that would help us get through the tunnel, but it would take a few minutes to cast. Jak got bored and ran through the tunnel. Quinn decided to follow him and used her misty step to get over there. Apparently only Bumbersnoot and needed to wait for that spell. While we waited, I saw a green mist comes out of the corridor behind Jak and Quinn, and Jak puked- thankfully not in the tunnel. Then a crossbow bolt seemed to just appear in Quinn's side. We needed to get over there quickly. Thankfully Oskar was finishing up his spell, and a bridge made of air went through the cylinder now.
The three of us hurried onto the bridge and through the tunnel, but before we reached the other side, the thick, green cloud ignited. The flames caused Oskar's bridge to vanish, and the three of us tumbled down, left at the mercy of the cylinder; which some asshole dumped oil on, making it hella difficult for us to get up and out. I mean, I'm sure that was the point, but really, the cylinder is enough of a bitch without dumping fucking oil on it. Anyway, the three of us were now being jostled around by a tunnel from Hells that was on fucking fire. Quinn dumped a bunch of water into the tunnel to help extinguish the flames, but instead it only sputtered for a second, before flaming back to life- this time there seemed to be even more fire. Bumbersnoot and I tried to get him on his feet, but it just wasn't working, and to make it even more annoying, as we struggled some thunder spell hit us.
We finally made it up and out of the damned thing and I went to pick the lock on the door- for once they actually waited for me to do it. Of course the one time they actually wait for me, and we can't even get the door open. I emptied an acid beetle on it to start dissolving it. Quinn sent a wave of thunder through the murder holes, and whoever was on the other side retaliated with another green cloud... making Jak puke again. Oskar began beating on the door, putting a huge crack in it. Then Quinn decided to destroy all of the water in the door, shrinking and warping it. I began to feel the nauseating effects of that cloud too, it was hella awful.
Even shrunk and warped the door still did not want to come down. Bumbersnoot headbutted the stupid thing, and Oskar started pounding on it with his shield. The people on the other side of the murder holes hit Quinn, and she turned into water and flowed through the holes... That's a new one. Bumbersnoot rammed the door again, and it snapped- flying past us and into the stupid tunnel of douchebaggery.
We were greeted on the other side of the door to four werewolves. Fanfuckingtastic. Oskar hit one of them and it vanished- she was using a mirror image. Quinn doubled her chaotic bolt thingy, killed the dude that was in the murder holes, and popped another illusion. Jak got rid of the final illusion, leaving us with the one hella pissed off werewolf.
Bumbersnoot bit her ankle, but wasn't able to trip her. I hit her with an acid beetle and slashed at her midsection with my quickrazor. The wolf snarled and leapt onto Oskar, doing what looked like some pretty nasty damage to him- and then the bitch (pun intended) put another set of mirror images up. Oskar sent a healing burst to us all, and Quinn yelled at the wolf to get fleas... which did literally nothing. I think she was trying to give it fleas, but I can't be sure. Jak popped two of the illusions and managed to score a hit on the bitch herself. Bumbersnoot took out the final illusion and I hit the bitch hard with my quickrazor.
...She fucking put up more mirror images... I'm starting to think the bitch only knows a single spell. She clawed into poor Oskar once her mirrors were in place again. Quinn took out a mirror, as did Jak, but then he slipped somehow and she was able to rip into him. Again Critical Bumbersnoot popped the final mirror, and I hit her hella hard with my quickrazor- somehow she evaded my acid beetle. The bitch continued mauling the fuck out of Oskar while he scrambled to heal himself so he could survive this onslaught. Quinn finished her off with that weird changing bolt of hers. Oskar stabilized the bitch and I stuck her in one of my balls.
The room we were in was small, with just a couple benches and a table. There was a candlestick on the table, along with a book. Oskar opened the book and an explosion went off.* Quinn was standing too close to Oskar when he opened the book, and was now covered in some hella nasty burns, her skin looked charred and waxy, especially on her face, which was so grotesque I had a little trouble keeping my lunch down.
Jak opened up the door that lead into the next room and it was like stepping into a different world. This room was beautifully decorated, with fine rugs, erotic tapestries, shimmering curtains, and the ceiling had a mosaic that depicted a summer sky full of fluffy clouds. There was a huge bed covered in cushions, it looked hella comfy. There was a bed next to the table that was covered in all sorts of yummy looking cake. Of course Jak didn't seem to notice any of this, he beelined straight for the big oak chest in the corner.* The second the chest opened another green cloud oozed out, making me sick- again- so Bumbersnoot took up out of the room while we waited for the cloud to clear.
We decided to take a rest here, since this seemed secluded enough. Unfortunately the cushy looking bed was hard, lumpy, and uncomfortable; and the food was tough and didn't taste very good. This place was nothing but a giant disappointment- but it seemed like a safe disappointment, so there was that. To close the door on the other side of the tunnel we ended up shooting a crossbow bolt at it, with a rope attached, so we could pull it closed. I couldn't find anything that could stop the stupid thing from spinning.
A couple of hours into the rest, I woke up to Quinn in distress- apparently something invisible was attacking her. Another invisible thing was in the next room with Oskar and Jak, but they took theirs out pretty quickly. Quinn put mist around the floor to look for disturbances, and Oskar was swinging a bag of flour, hoping to get some on it so we could find it. Jak was charging blindly around the room, and ran head first into Bumbersnoot, and he dropped to the floor- the dumbass had knocked himself out with my dog. I didn't know if I should laugh or be annoyed that he hurt Bumbersnoot in the process.
Oskar managed to find the guy and pointed him out to us, then revived Jak. Bumbersnoot hit it with his steam breath, and I saw an acid beetle break on something that wasn't there. It went for Oskar, and we all converged on it. We completely decimated the fucking thing, then waited about ten minutes to see if it did anything more. We couldn't even get it in a ball because we couldn't find that damn thing.
About an hour later, Oskar began to feel rage, shifting into a werewolf for the first time. Bumbersnoot was the only one in the room on watch with him, so he attacked the Mechanimal. Bumbersnoot let out a tinny howl to wake up the rest of the group. Oskar lunged at Bumbersnoot, who defended himself with steam breath. Jak was the first one in the room, and his initial thought was that Bumbersnoot was just attacking Oskar unprovoked- he hadn't noticed the change in his companion yet- so he attacked Bumbersnoot too. Having a fleshy target changed Oskar's course, and he attacked Jak, biting the minotaur. Quinn came out and tried to use ice to muzzle Oskar- but it didn't work. Somehow Winry was sleeping through the entire altercation.
I woke up to Bumbersnoot nosing me, telling me there was a threat, so I grabbed my bag and hopped on my dogs back and he brought me out. I sent an acid beetle to Oskar and hit him with my quickrazor. Jak was beating on Oskar, and then he ran into the bedroom, dodging my exploding mouse. Quinn tried to freeze Oskar into a corner- which didn't go so well. Jak managed to tackle him and hold him down, and Quinn tried again to give him an ice muzzle. I was tired, cranky, and straight up pissed about Oskar hurting my baby so I didn't exercise restraint when I stabbed him with my scimitar and my quickrazor, and I didn't tell Bumbersnoot to restrain himself when he bit Oskar.
Jak continued beating on Oskar, trying to knock him out, and Quinn was hellbent on trapping him in ice instead of rendering him unconscious. After the ice muzzle failed- twice- she tried to restrain him in ice... which he fucking broke out of. I missed him as he squirmed out of the ice, but thankfully Jak kept hold of him. Quinn tried again to use ice to stop him- this time by trying to surround him entirely in it. Unfortunately it was at the same moment that Bumbersnoot used his steam breath, so the ice wasn't very helpful. Oskar apparently didn't appreciate the steam breath, he grabbed onto me and bit me. Jak slammed into him and beat on him before Oskar broke away and ended up in the corner of the room again. Critical Bumbersnoot and I knocked him out.
We got Oskar tied up and stable, and I dumped some silver onto him. But he didn't stay down. He rolled away from Jak, and Quinn missed him with ice again. We began trying to knock the fucking werewolf out again. Somehow in the chaos that ensued he managed to bit Jak, and Jak went down. I revived Jak, and eventually we got Oskar unconscious again, and under control. We were going to just lock Oskar in the room, but Jak insisted on staying in there with him, so Quinn froze the door shut to keep them both inside.
***** Tarsakh 16, White Plume Mountain
In the morning the plain, yucky food on the table had been transformed into hearty dwarven food, and it was damn good. Evidently Moradin was smiling upon his priest. Oskar cast a spell to remove curses on Jak and I to prevent us from being turned into werewolves- I really hope it worked. Once we'd finished eating this incredible meal, we headed on our way.
Along the corridor we encountered three doors, which Jak opened up, and found nothing inside. Eventually the corridor spilled out into a small room that was surrounded by some sort of force field, keeping the boiling water above it at bay. It was steamy in here, distorting our vision a little bit. We could just make out a chest on the other side of the room, which Jak swaggered up to and flipped it out carelessly.
A nearly translucent arm covered in barbs appeared out of nowhere and slapped Oskar, just as another nearly invisible arm slapped Jak. Our attack revealed itself to be a giant cave mantis shrimp. Quinn tried to charm it with her trident, but nothing happened. Jak began pounding on it, and it dodged my acid beetle. With a snap of its claw the mantis shrimp dropped Jak. With that, Oskar activated his spirit guardians, and revived Jak.
The shrimp dodged my acid beetle again, and Jak popped up to get a few hits in before it dropped him again. It moved away from the unconscious Jak and swung at Bumbersnoot, missing him, then hitting Oskar hard. Bumbersnoot used his steam breath- I didn't want him biting that shrimp if I could avoid it- and it finally was struck by my beetle! Oskar's spirit guardians seemed to hurt it pretty badly, and Quinn vanished... I think she was blinking.
Jak was up again, thanks to Oskar, and tossed a ball at the shrimp, but it didn't do anything, just opened up. The shrimp's arm reared back and it sliced whatever the fuck was holding the water back- the scalding water began sloshing in, and its arm starting looking pink- I think it was cooking itself. Jak fumbled an attack at it, and it dropped him AGAIN. Oskar got the killing blow, and revived Jak again; he caught the shrimp in a ball. Quinn suddenly misty stepped across the room to the chest and picked up the trident in it. She yelled at us to get to the chest, and I grabbed that open ball on my way so I could tinker with it later.
The trident had Quinn activate a cube of force to protect us from the boiling just in the nick of time. We began to float upward, all the way up the mountain, then were shot up toward the plume. Eventually we were bouncing against the top of the mountain, stuck in a steam vent just outside of the hole, when we noticed a cave. We all slammed into the side of the cube to move ourselves there, and the cube popped just in time to spill us out into the most bizarre cave I've ever seen.
The walls were strange- a kind of metal I'd never seen before, and it was fused with the natural rocks. There was a hole on the other side of the room that it looked like we could squeeze through to go further in. This must be where the dragon thingy the professor sent us here for is. There was a flashing green light that Oskar hit with his hammer... a bunch of things lit up at that, and I heard the familiar whirring of machines. It all shut back down in a few seconds, and some red lights began flashing where the wall and floor met. I don't know what this place is, but I need to take it apart and learn everything about it. I am so glad I had the tech clause removed from my contract!
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| Photo from Tales of the Yawning Portal by Wizards of the Coast |
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| Map from "Tales from the Yawning Portal" by Wizards of the Coast |
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