Tales from Toril- The Adventures of Critical Bumbersnoot: the Odd Company: A Yawning Portal Novella, Chapter Five

The Hallways from Hell

Dramatis Personae:

Winry Steamgear, the Rock Gnome Alchemist Artificer

"Critical" Bumbersnoot, Winry's Dachshund Mechanimal Construct

Mara Quinn, the Water Genasi Werewolf Sea Sorceress

Steve, Quinn's Octopus familiar

Oskar Heartforge, the Shield Dwarf Werewolf Priest of Moradin

Jak Foostus, the Minotaur Monk

NOTE: Things will be mostly from Winry's perspective, anything in italics is from a third party view, since the artificer can't be everywhere at once. 

***** Tarsakh 18, 1489 DR (The Year of the Warrior Princess), White Plume Mountain

       Quinn was so wiped out from the ship that she pretty much slept for 24 hours straight; she didn't even mind the puke and shit that was in the room from us expelling the spider-scorpions. The rest of us went outside after that, and I tinkered with that gun I'd found, and worked on reverse engineering the stasis balls Jackass gave us. I feel like I'm close to unlocking the secrets to those balls, I'm just missing something.

       When Quinn was finally rested enough to get going, we trekked our way back into the mountain to continue hunting down those weapons. The spiral staircase was more rickety than it had been before, but it thankfully didn't collapse under us. The water on the floor had gotten hella deeper and was scalding- nearly boiling. Guess the water from the room with the giant cave mantis shrimp spilled all the way out here. Quinn put the water walking spell on us again so we wouldn't be sloshing through that scalding water.

       When we got to the intersection where the gynosphinx had been, the others heard running water. The path that we'd taken before, the one that led us to the mantis shrimp, had water running down it, it was completely flooded. The path to the right seemed to be dumping water into the sea somehow. We decided to take the path to the left, since it wasn't flooded with scalding water.

       The water was churning hella bad in the intersection, which we still had to cross to get onto the left path. Jak jumped over with ease, Oskar almost fell over but Jak caught him- then Quinn went, and the showoff basically surfed the currents. Then it was our turn. Bumbersnoot lifted his leg and peed on the corner, making himself lighter before getting us across; I was pleasantly surprised by my puppy's method of getting us through that.

       We walked through the tunnel for what felt like forever, before reaching a weird ass hallway. This one was lined with copper metal plates, and it was too steamy to see the end of. About 30 feet down the hallway it started getting uncomfortably hot- Bumbersnoot was burning me, so I turned around- the others followed us. Jak touched one of the copper plates and felt an electrical type charge, and decided he would just pry the plating off the walls. I gave him one of my crowbars, but it started getting super hot, so he dropped it in the water below us- the fucking bar sizzled and steamed like when a blacksmith puts their work in water.

       Since Jak was in the least amount of metal, he stripped and decided to scout the hall for us. After a few seconds we heard him say "oh shit," and he booked it back to us. He got jumped by some fucking ghouls at the other end of the hall. The ghouls didn't follow him, which gave us time to come up with a plan. Since Bumbersnoot could run about 90 feet, I thought if we just booked it down the hallway we might be able to get through it before it burned us. Oskar didn't want to take off his armor- which, considering what was waiting for us on the other side, I couldn't blame him for that- so, I suggested shrinking him and putting him on Bumbersnoot with me would be the best way to go about this.

       Oskar, Bumbersnoot, and I were almost at the end of the hallway when a ghoul reached up from under the water and grabbed Bumbersnoot. I shot it with my gun and yelled for the others as more ghouls moved toward us. Jak charged in behind us, hitting one hard enough to kill it. I couldn't contain the cry that escaped me as another ghoul hit me hella hard. Oskar jumped off Bumbersnoot and booked it to the end of the hall. Then Quinn appeared behind me and shot her chaos bolt at two of the ghouls going for Bumbersnoot and I.

       Bumbersnoot tripped the ghoul in front of him and I shot it as we bolted to the end of the hall- running over Oskar on our way through. With the steam we couldn't see him- but at least we were out of that inferno of a hallway. The ghouls began moving on Oskar, trying to corner him. Suddenly the water in front of us turned into Quinn- that's such a fucking weird thing- and chaos bolted one of the ghouls in the room with us. I felt my flesh knit back together as Oskar touched my arm and healed me- then his spirit weapon appeared and he smacked a ghoul with it.

       Bumbersnoot and I came to Oskar's aid, by tripping and shooting one of the ghouls who was attacking him. I saw Quinn shoot one of the ghouls in the infernal hallway, and Jak pummeled one ghoul who was a fucking archer, but instead of going down, and amulet around his neck flashed and it stayed up. Oskar muttered a prayer, that I think was supposed to dust the ghouls, but all of their necklaces flashed and nothing happened, so he killed one with his spirit weapon.

       Thankfully the ghouls seemed to be having trouble hitting us, because they hit hella hard. Bumbersnoot tripped another one and I disintegrated its head with my gun. I like that thing. There was only one left now- the fucking archer. I cried out in pain as one of its arrows sunk into me. It was close enough for Bumbersnoot to bite and trip it- when he came up from his attack one of its legs was in his mouth- my puppy had ripped it off to protect me. Jak jumped on the fallen ghoul and beat the hell out of it to make sure it was definitely dead... or re-dead I guess?

       After that nasty fight we needed a brief rest. There was a staircase in the room that led to a landing we could rest on without being stuck in the water, and its door was so swollen with water that it wouldn't open, so we thought we should be somewhat safe. When our rest was over Jak and Oskar slammed the door open, and we discovered the hell of a hallway that was waiting for us on the other side. The path in front of us was broken up by a five foot wide pit that had metal glinting in the bottom. The floor beyond the pit had a silvery sheen to it, like it was over waxed or something, and beyond that we could just make out another pit. This was going to be just fanfuckingtastic.

       Jak decided to jump over the pit, but instead he tripped and fell into it instead. It was full of rusty razors. Oskar tossed a rope down to him, and Bumbersnoot and Quinn went to help him pull Jak up. That didn't work so well... Bumbersnoot knocked Quinn over in his attempts to help. I set up my lift system and hauled Jak out of there- he was in seriously bad shape and had to get healed by Oskar as soon as we got him out of the pit. I suggested we take a brief rest so that Oskar could learn that air bridge spell again to let us cross, but since it wouldn't quite get us all the way across, we'd have Quinn take it and misty step the rest of the way. I would build a zip line and have her take it over there for us to get over.

       About 20 minutes into this break we heard a splash in the water in the room we'd fought the ghouls in, and Jak saw ripples in the middle of the room. I set my device down and hopped on Bumbersnoot to prepare, while Quinn shot lightning from her trident... and somehow hit herself with one of the bolts. The four of use waited for something to appear, and hoped we wouldn't have to disrupt Oskar's meditation for whatever was coming. It took a few seconds for an ogre to come around the corner and swing at Jak. We all went for it, and aside from it dodging my beetle, we all hit. Bumbersnoot was able to trip the damn thing.

       Two more ogres came around the corner as the one Bumbersnoot tripped stood up and swung at him- missing, thankfully. The other two tossed javelins at us, and missed horribly. Jak caved in the skull of the one in front of us, and I tossed an exploding mouse at the two in the water. One of them didn't appreciate that much and ran up too punch me, which got him killed by Critical Bumbersnoot. The final ogre reached past me to grab at Quinn, getting it hit by Jak and Bumbersnoot... I missed and accidentally shot Jak instead. Critical Bumbersnoot finished it off.

       I got back to work on the zip line while Jak and Quinn went to look for loot. They didn't look long though, apparently the fucking ogres had dropped bear traps in the water, and Quinn got herself stuck in one. After giving up on that, Jak hauled one of the ogre corpses into the pit to give us a macabre stepping stone.

       Once Oskar had gotten that spell from Moradin he cast it, and nothing happened. We tested a couple other spells to see if it was an anti-magic area, but those went off without issue. Jak hauled one of the ogre corpses into the pit, and decided to toss the others in there to give us a pseudo bridge. After tossing one in, Jak decided to haul the other three in. We tied the corpses to Bumbersnoot one at a time, helping Oskar and Jak to lower them into the pit. The second one was easy, but when we got to the third and final one, Jak slipped, and it hit the other two corpses too hard, causing them all to bounce out of the pit.

       All three of them slide across the stretch of hallway and fell right into the pit on the side. That floor seemed to be much slicker than we'd thought, so to test it, Quinn pulled a ball out of her bag of tricks, which turned into a goat. The poor goat flailed and squirmed as it slid across the floor and vanished on the other side. After that, Oskar tried his air bridge again, and it failed again.

       Since the floor seemed to have absolutely no friction to it, I decided to whip up something that might help us stick to the floor. I made these little glove/booty sets of us with a sticky goo on them that would hopefully do the trick. Quinn volunteered to be the one to test my goo, and moved to attempt to climb across the hall. As she moved to climb over the pit directly in front of us, Quinn slipped and slid across the floor into the other pit. I wasn't sure if my bags had failed or if they weren't able to grab because she was flailing around too much for them to truly hit the floor as she slid.

       To test that theory, I stuck a rock in one of my goo bags and tossed it over the pit; it swirled around the floor as it went straight in. Fanfuckingtastic. We couldn't get across this stupid thing with magic, my alchemy wasn't working, and now Quinn was stuck on the other side, and none of us could get to her to help. Oskar and Jak hoped she had a good grip on the zip line she was supposed to be setting up over there, and they yanked it to try to get her out of the pit.

       Apparently Quinn didn't have a good grip on it, because when they yanked on it, the only thing attached to it was the goo gloves. Jak tossed it back to her, hoping it would reach her. It took a few tries before the boys managed to pull Quinn out of that pit... and she slide head first into the pit in front of us.

       After that fiasco, that left Quinn badly injured, we decided to try to build a wedge that would hopefully catch us before we slid into the stupid pit. We took down the wooden door to this room and attached three bears traps to it, along with some other miscellaneous stuff I had. We attached lines to it to control where it ended up on the other side... and poor Quinn wasn't able to hold her grip, she went sliding across the hall again, landing in the other fucking pit. Eventually we got it set up to where we hoped it would work.

       Oskar made it to the other side with ease. Jak fell in the pit on the other side, but Oskar helped him out. Quinn really didn't want to try again, so I shrunk her and tied her to Bumbersnoot. We spun a little, but made it across. And, as it turned out, the wall on the other side of hall was an illusion, so we had a fairly spacious area to rest in.

***** Tarsakh 19, White Plume Mountain

       Once we'd rested up, we headed into the hall beyond the door. The path to the left seemed to continue on for a bit, whereas the one on the right had a door right in front of it. Jak turned left first, and stepped on a loose stone. Nothing happened, but it made Jak paranoid enough that we decided to go in the door on the right first.

       Before we opened the door we could hear water flowing in it, which made Quinn perk up. But inside was hella weird. There was a stream of water that was floating in the room, about two feet off the floor, flowing into a hole in the wall and out of another hole on the opposite wall. The water seemed to be about three feet deep and there were blind cave fish swimming in it. There were also six kayaks flanking the door, but there weren't any paddles. It looked like two people should fit in each one, but Jak and Bumbersnoot would need kayaks of their own if we decided to brave the floating water- something Oskar and I weren't too keen on doing.

       Jak decided to go fishing by whacking the fish out of the stream. Quinn put them in her bag with her octopus, and apparently one of them attacked Steve, but before Quinn could intervene, her familiar killed and ate the fish.

       We decided someone should go check out the stream- someone other than Oskar or me. Before we'd come up with any sort of plan, Jak jumped into the stream. Quinn gave us all water breathing, and followed him. After a few seconds, Quinn came through my talkie stone, telling us they were under attack. Oskar carried one of the kayaks over to the stream for Bumbersnoot and I, and the plan was for Oskar to grab another kayak and follow us. That ended up not working out so well.

       The second Bumbersnoot and I jumped into the kayak, the fucking thing capsized, before Oskar could let go of it. The stupid thing swirled around, scraping me against the bottom, and banging poor Bumbersnoot's head around. Around that time I got another message from Quinn... she'd escaped, and we needed to turn back because there was a fucking net waiting to capture us. Fanfuckingtastic.

       Jak came up behind us- we totally needed to go help them escape- and pulled Oskar off the bottom of the stupid kayak we were in. Once Oskar was free, Bumbersnoot was able to get out of the stupid kayak, and stand on the bottom of the tunnel the stream was flowing through. Bumbersnoot and I were having a hell of a time moving against the current of that little stream to get back out, so Jak ended up having to come help us. All the while, the dicks were sending canoes in the tunnel to beat on us.

       After what felt like forfuckingever, we got ourselves turned around and we congregated near the exit of the stream. Jak wanted to just barrel though the net, while Quinn wanted to go through the exit. The others headed back toward the exit, but when Bumbersnoot and I went to leave, he spun out of control again. I need to make something for him to let him swim. Jak, thankfully, realized that we weren't following them, and turned out to help us, as we were spinning toward the net like a dachshund missile. I ended up tying a rope around Bumbersnoot and giving the end to Jak so he could help haul us out of that stupid tunnel.

       Bumbersnoot and I were finally almost out of the tunnel- I could see the exit- when we reached a dwarf jam. Oskar had decided to brace himself at the mouth of the tunnel to take down the next kayak thrown at us. Instead of chucking a kayak at us though, we were hit with a huge ball of flotsam, I think it contained the remains of three kayaks. Another mass followed, I think it was about two kayaks worth of shards that time.

       Things got hella crazy after that. As Bumbersnoot was emerging from the tunnel, he slipped, and we were caught in a waiting net- then one of the dicks waiting for us stabbed Bumbersnoot hard. I tried to cut us free, but I ended up hurting him in the process. Quinn dropped her cube of force on a couple of the guys attacking us to keep them off of us, since there were way too many of them. Jak and Oskar tried to help Bumbersnoot and I, by attacking the dicks who were stabbing my poor puppy. I was trying so hard to cut us free that I'm not sure of anything that happened in the next bit of time. Then Bumbersnoot got himself so tangled in the net that it looped around my throat and I began to choke. The others came to help us, but still no one could cut us free. That was all I knew before the lights dimmed out and I felt myself losing consciousness.

       After Winry lost consciousness from lack of air, Quinn was able to cut her free, and Oskar revived the alchemist. 

        When I came to, I was free of the net, and most of the dicks we'd been fighting were dead, aside from five of them in Quinn's cube- which would only be up for a few more seconds. All of them fired crossbows the moment the cube dropped. Jak charged one, and I had Bumbersnoot move us close enough for me to send one of my exploding mice at them- I didn't want my baby in melee right now with as badly damaged as he was. One of them stabbed Quinn in the back, so she used her mist step to get away from him. Then Bumbersnoot and I got surrounded, and they all hurt me bad. Bumbersnoot bit one of them, but wasn't able to trip him.

       I saw Oskar and Jak getting pounded on by the guys, until Oskar cast something that held them in place. Quinn and Jak were beating on another guy, while Bumbersnoot succeeded at tripping one of the guys attacking us, I dropped a beetle on him and swiped my quickrazor across his torso. The boys continued beating the crap out of the other guys, and I saw Quinn drop one of them. We kept on exchanging blows for what felt like hours, before another one dropped, and then Bumbersnoot and I killed a third. There were only two more left- and one of them seemed to be in charge. The one who seemed in charge fled into the water stream while we were distracted. Quinn managed to go after him, but by the time she got to the secret room he had vanished. While she was hunting that fucker down, the rest of us killed the remaining guy.

       Since the captain guy vanished, we thought there had to be a secret door out of the hidden room, but a quick search didn't reveal anything.

Map from "Tales from the Yawning Portal" by Wizards of the Coast

Tales from Toril- The Adventures of Critical Bumbersnoot: the Odd Company: A Yawning Portal Novella, Chapter Four

Queen of the Dragon Thingys

Dramatis Personae:

Winry Steamgear, the Rock Gnome Alchemist Artificer

"Critical" Bumbersnoot, Winry's Dachshund Mechanimal Construct

Mara Quinn, the Water Genasi Werewolf Sea Sorceress

Steve, Quinn's Octopus familiar

Oskar Heartforge, the Shield Dwarf Werewolf Priest of Moradin

Jak Foostus, the Minotaur Monk

NOTE: Things will be mostly from Winry's perspective, anything in italics is from a third party view, since the artificer can't be everywhere at once. 

***** Tarsakh 16, 1489 DR (The Year of the Warrior Princess), White Plume Mountain

       As we settled down to rest, I looked at my watch and realized that it would be dark soon, and we likely had one more day of the full moon- so Oskar would turn during our rest. I pulled some of the weird rope out of my bag, since it seemed a little more durable than our normal rope. We decided Oskar would take first watch- since that was way before dark. Quinn would take second watch, and at the end of that watch she'd wake both Jak and I up. The two of them would secure Oskar while I took the next watch. It was a little convoluted, but we thought it might work.

       Unfortunately our plan didn't work as well as we'd hoped. While the weird rope I'd found was more durable, it was also slicker, making it easier for Oskar to wiggle out of, so as soon as he shifted, that was exactly what he did. Jak began pounding on him instantly, trying to subdue him so we could tie him back up. Oskar bit Jak in the process of getting beat on though- but thankfully he didn't turn. Bumbersnoot bit Oskar to distract him while Jak finished beating him unconscious. Once he was finally down, Jak and Quinn got him tied back up, then Quinn tended to his wounds- not enough to wake him, just enough to make sure he didn't bleed out... Then she cried out in pain and shifted. Fanfuckingtastic. Jak, Bumbersnoot, and I knocked her out quickly though- she was hella easier to drop than the dwarf.

       While waiting for the others to wake up, I tinkered with that weird gun thing that I'd found on the dead body in here. After an hour or so of messing with it, trying to figure out how to take it apart, it bit me or something. There were these two weird, metallic looking dots on my palm. It was hella weird. I kept messing with it for a while longer, trying to figure out where the bullets went, and how the damn thing worked. Eventually Jak passed out, so it was just Bumbersnoot and I keeping watch. Not that it was entirely necessary, since the spider-scorpions and dragon things didn't seem to be able to get in this room.

       After a few more hours, I started feeling sick; I was cold, clammy, and burping some serious acid. I almost puked, but managed to keep it down, just barely. Before I could regain composure, Quinn howled- literally- in pain, and her chest exploded outward. A weird ass snake thingy came out and went to the wall, burning it with acid. Jak was not happy about being woken up- and he tossed darts at it, until it retaliated by whipping him with its tail. I shot it with my crossbow, but it managed to escape through the hole it had made before we could kill it. I mended the wall- I'd figured out that hella cool mending spell Quinn uses! The really fucking weird thing, was somehow Quinn wasn't dead. Her heart- which we could see through the massive hole in her chest- was beating very slowly, and she was breathing.

***** Tarsakh 17, White Plume Mountain

       I searched the desk the body was slumped over, and found a map of the ship, along with a manual for the it. I couldn't make heads or tails of most of it though. After that I started working on reverse engineering a stasis ball, if I could crack the secret I could make more of them, or at least reset the ones we'd missed with. I still felt hella sick though, and I was getting kinda restless.

       When Oskar shifted back to himself, we untied him, and he attempted to tend to Quinn's wound, that had been healing very slowly throughout the night. After flushing out her wound and bandaging it up- because there really wasn't much else he could do- Quinn woke up. Apparently Oskar biting her saved her life.

       A little bit later Oskar randomly grabbed my Alchemist Satchel of Holding and dumped it out. Loose screws and gears and cogs and parts clattered to the ground and began rolling away. Oskar began chasing one of my stasis balls, and grabbed the ring we'd gotten from the dude we fought with the werewolf. He put the ring on, then shifted into a wolf and nosed at the ball. Jak decided to humor him and tossed the ball. Oskar caught it and started shaking it- and the werewolf popped out. And I wasn't paying fucking attention to how he did it, because I was focused on all of my things scattered around the floor, getting stepped on or lost. As soon as the werewolf was out of the ball Oskar began nosing the ring on her finger. Quinn grabbed for it and Oskar pounced and bit her. I asked if he wanted the ring and he barked at me, once I'd grabbed it her nodded at Quinn, so I put it on her. After he shifted he said that the rings would give them control over their animal instincts.

       Even though Quinn was hella fucked up, with a gaping hole in her chest, she was a trooper, and she didn't want to hold us up while she rested more. We decided to take the moving closet- or elevator, as the map called it- down to the armory, since it looked like it was just off the exit to the closet. I fiddled with the controls for a minute before I figured them out, and since we couldn't all fit in that thing, the boys went down first. I gave them one of my talkie stones so they could let us know when it was clear for us to come down, and sent them down.

       Oskar and Jak were attacked instantly by face huggers when they stepped out of the elevator- but they killed them instantly. 

       After Quinn, Bumbersnoot, and I got down there, the boys gave me a case for that gun thingy I've been fiddling with, I hoped there were schematics inside so I could figure it out. That was the only thing in the entire armory too, which was a little disappointing.

       Before we stepped into the hall, Oskar activated his spirit guardians again, to help keep the spider-scorpions away from us. We heard screams in the distance as they met their ends from his spell. We reached what the map called the cargo bay, and getting that door open was a bigger bitch than usual, as if someone had done something to prevent us from opening it. The second the doors opened, all of our active spells ended, even Bumbersnoot's energy core flickered a little bit.

       Spider-scorpions came flying at Jak, and they all missed. Oskar got his guardians up again and screams echoed around us. I tried to put my shield of faith on Bumbersnoot, but the spell wouldn't go off. Maybe Oskar's only worked because of Moradin, it would make sense, though it's hella annoying. Two of the dragon thingys came at us, slashing and- thankfully- missing. Quinn vanished. Jak started beating the hell out of it, and Oskar attempted to give him a restorative spell, but it didn't work. I was able to get my shield back on Bumbersnoot, and then I missed it with my crossbow. This would be so much easier if my alchemical formulas worked on these fuckers.

       Another dragon thingy popped out of a nearby vent and went right for Oskar, so Bumbersnoot bit it. Then a bigger dragon thingy popped out of another vent and went for Bumbersnoot, missing, thankfully, but then it whipped Oskar with its tail. Jak began beating on the dragon thingys, as Quinn reappeared- I think she was using a blink spell, but she didn't do anything before vanishing again. Oskar's spiritual weapon appeared and killed one of the dragon thingys. Bumbersnoot bit into one of the dragon thingys, and I missed horribly. It's been a while since I've actually had to use my crossbow, my formulas are much more efficient- and they look way cooler.

       Then a weird clicking noise rang out and a bunch of steam poured from the vents, which was followed by a shift in gravity; we were suddenly standing on the wall instead of the floor, poor Bumbersnoot couldn't keep his footing and got knocked over, but the dragon thingys were still where they'd been standing. Jerks.

       One of the dragon things grabbed Jak and began dragging him away; the minotaur squirmed and tried to beat on it, but he didn't seem to do much to it. I could hear screeching coming from deeper inside the room, but we couldn't see anything through that damn fog. A spider-scorpion went after Jak, but he managed to fend it off. Quinn began attempting to manipulate the fog, but she didn't seem to be actually doing anything to it. Oskar's spirit weapon scored a hit on one of the ones on Jak. Poor Bumbersnoot couldn't move much from the prone position he was in, so I decided to try out that gun I'd been tinkering with. It went off, but I missed the dragon thingy with it.

       I heard that clicking noise again, and we were all shunted to the ceiling... and Bumbersnoot fell again. My poor puppy was not doing well in this crappy room. Somehow the dragon thing that had been holding on to Jak moved to strike him and killed itself instead... what the Hells? This place is hella weird. Oskar's spiritual guardians polished off another dragon thing, and the one closest to him tried to flee, but he threw his hammer at it. A roar rang out through the room, accompanied by skittering and dripping noises- it almost sounded like it was raining. Jak dropped a flask of alchemist's fire on the spider-scorpions that were near him, and Quinn zotted one of the bigger dragon thingys. Oskar speared it with his spirit weapon, and Bumbersnoot jumped to try to get me a better shot at it... instead he landed on his back. I really need to make him something that'll let him stick to walls or fly or something. He needs to be better equipped for other terrains. I guess I know what my next project will be. Being squished by my pup distracted me, so when I fired off my shot at the dragon thing it instead went into a feedback that tingled up my arm. It stung, like getting zapped by lighting.

       The fucking gravity shifted again. This place is just fanfuckingtastic. Now I want to take it apart just to spite it, instead of in the name of technological advancement. With the position Bumbersnoot and I were in, he couldn't even try to orient us, and we just fell against the stupid wall. Jak killed a bunch of the spider-scorpions, and I saw Oskar beating on the dragon thing with both his spiritual and physical weapons. I missed again with that gun I found, right before the clicking returned...

       Bumbersnoot and I tumbled so badly that we ended up in another room, and he was crushing me. Before I could attempt to right us, I felt a spider-scorpion's tail curl around my throat. I felt a burst of holy energy knitting my flesh back together and I began to lose consciousness.

       What was probably only a few seconds later, I came to, minus the spider-scorpion. I groggily healed myself and we took a moment to collect ourselves before we began moving deeper into the dark, foggy room. This place sucks.

       As we moved forward, Oskar was keeping the spider-scorpions at bay with his spirit guardians again. When we finally saw more spider-scorpions, Jak began chucking darts at them. They scattered in fear, and I could just make out a large form in the gloom up ahead. Two dragon things appeared on either side of us and began beating on Jak. Then a tail and some prongs lashed out from the mists, with the rest of the form following... It was a huge dragon thingy with massive claws that swiped at Jak, knocking him out before grabbing him and yanking him back into the mist. The dragon things went for Oskar next, and they began wrapping him in a cocoon- though he busted himself out pretty much instantly. A trident came out of the gloom to impale me- I heard myself cry out from the sheer agony of that stab... it was the trident that Quinn had lost, Wave.

       Then it started raining fucking acid and the stupid gravity shifted again. Oskar got caught in an acid web by the dragon things that looked more like spiders- these things were hella weird. Oskar and Quinn were grappled by the huge dragon thing, and Quinn found herself stabbed with Wave. Wave apologized to Quinn as he stabbed her, and Quinn attempted to convince the trident to turn against the xenomorph queen to aid her instead. Then one of the spidery dragon things hit Quinn with a web and she slumped over. I felt white-hot pain lance throughout me as a tail speared me.

      Winry fell unconscious from the tail stab, and was lifted into the air, with Bumbersnoot dangling under her. Oskar was able to send out a healing burst to revive the party, since everyone was down except for him. I came to in the air, with the dragon thing gripping me. I shot the tail with my gun and finally hit something with it! I missed with my quickrazor though, and Bumbersnoot couldn't wiggle to attack the tail to aid me. The tail stuck me to the wall. Literally. I saw the big one grab Quinn out of the web just before it vanished. Oskar had banished it!

       One of the damn spider-scorpions overpowered me and grabbed onto my face... Winry fell unconscious from the face hugger, which was then squished as the gravity shifted again. Bumbersnoot yanked the dead face hugger off of his mistress' face and slammed it down, killing a second one. He nosed at Winry, but she didn't wake. The pup activated the vinegar in the jug within him, and sprayed a small mist of it in Winry's face. 

       I returned to consciousness by the sharp scent of vinegar assaulting my nostrils. It was still a better scent than the dragon things produced, and I was awake; Bumbersnoot is such a good puppy. I in turn revived Jak; I couldn't get to Quinn yet, she was stuck to the wall with a spider-scorpion attached to her. Jak and Oskar began beating on the spider-scorpions around them, while Bumbersnoot and I hurried to Quinn. Bumbersnoot yanked the spider-scorpion off of Quinn and I revived her.

       There were two dragon things left- one of which was a spidery one. Jak stunned one of them while Critical Bumbersnoot hit it right in the face with his steam breath, killing it! The spidery one tried to bolt but Oskar was able to stop it long enough for Jak to catch it in a stasis ball. Quinn caught the dragon thing that Bumbersnoot had just dropped. Oskar called out to us that we only had a few more seconds before the huge dragon thing was back, so we needed to hurry; he also tried to put one of the eggs in a ball, but missed completely.

       Quinn was in such bad shape she could barely walk, so I shrunk her so she could fit on Bumbersnoot with me, and we bolted- as did Oskar and Jak. As we ran the big dragon reappeared and hit Oskar hard enough to drop him. I smacked him with healing to revive him as Bumbersnoot ran past him, and Quinn shot the dragon thing as we bolted toward the elevator. Jak had already gotten to the closet, and upon seeing Oskar wasn't behind us, he went back. Quinn and I hurried back up to the room, sending the elevator back down for the boys. I wanted to wait, but we couldn't all fit in it together, so it made the most sense for us to go up while Jak got Oskar out of there.

       I started looking around for something that would help us defend against the big dragon thing, when we discovered that the desk the body was slumped over was actually a control panel. Jak, trying to help, started randomly pushing buttons- activating the self destruct sequence. Fanfuckingtastic. I was trying to figure out how to undo that when Quinn noticed that the room we were in was a life raft. With that tip, I was able to activate the raft, and whispered a quick prayer to Garl Glittergold, hoping we'd make it.

       Seats popped out of the walls with straps in them, and I discovered straps on the bed. I got Bumbersnoot strapped in and got myself strapped into the seat at the console just as everything began rumbling. Everything was whirling as the room was blown out of the way, tumbling back down the mountain. When we finally stopped moving, we had landed upside down.

       We could see a light coming from the doorway, and Oskar opened it to look out, with Quinn right on his heels. He told her there was a rod on the ground, and she found it by stepping on it and impaling herself... it was fucking Wave. Oskar stabilized her and had a rather entertaining argument with the trident. We'd ended up about halfway down the mountain, which was now steaming- our explosion had caused at least a minor eruption.

       As we gathered ourselves, the red dragon found us. In the chaos I'd forgotten about him. He demanded his treasure, but wasn't interested in our life raft room- he obviously didn't understand how incredible that little room was. Quinn told him there wasn't much coin to be had in the mountain- which was only kinda true. I gave him a few random things we'd found in the mountain that we didn't want. The dragon was peeved and told us to go back in there and get him his treasure. The moment he flew off we piled back into the room and passed out.

       After our rest we were up and stumbling around, getting ready to have some food, when Quinn, Jak, and I began to feel sick. I puked my guts out- not literally- and with the contents of my stomach was one of the snake thingys, like the one that had burst from Quinn's chest yesterday. There was a silvery gleam in there too, like what I'd noticed in the gun. Before I could process this, I had to shit out another one of the snake things... I guess that's what made me feel sick earlier. And I swallowed it. What. The. Fuck.

       Oskar cast a restoration spell on me, then cast it on Quinn, and she puked one of the snake things up. Jak, seeing what Quinn and I had expelled, stuck his fingers down his throat and made himself puke the one inside him up. Quinn began crying, and I sent her back to bed. She needed more sleep after everything she'd been through in the last 24 hours.

Map from "Tales from the Yawning Portal" by Wizards of the Coast

Tales from Toril- The Adventures of Critical Bumbersnoot: the Odd Company: A Yawning Portal Novella, Chapter Three

Facehugging Spider-Scorpions

Dramatis Personae:

Winry Steamgear, the Rock Gnome Alchemist Artificer

Bumbersnoot, Winry's Dachshund Mechanimal Construct

Mara Quinn, the Water Genasi Sea Sorceress

Steve, Quinn's Octopus familiar

Oskar Heartforge, the Shield Dwarf Werewolf Priest of Moradin

Jak Foostus, the Minotaur Monk

NOTE: Things will be mostly from Winry's perspective, anything in italics is from a third party view, since the artificer can't be everywhere at once. 

***** Tarsakh 16, 1489 DR (The Year of the Warrior Princess), White Plume Mountain

       I was checking out the odd panels in the room, with my trusty screwdriver and wrench in hand, when Jak found what appeared to be a door, and it was jammed or something. I spent a few minutes going over that door, trying to figure out how to make it open- and it was beyond my knowledge. Now I really need to take this place apart- I need to understand everything about it.

       There was a hole above the door that was just big enough for us to fit through, so I sent Quinn up with my lift so Bumbersnoot and I could get up. Once up there I collected my lift and Bumbersnoot squeezed us through the opening with surprising ease... I was so preoccupied with the treasure I'd stumbled upon that I forgot Oskar hadn't come up yet. The dwarf had to jump up, and he didn't seem to have any trouble getting up there.

       On the other side of the door was a rather barren room, with some nets hanging down. Oskar said this was likely a transport craft of some sort, but it wasn't like any transport craft I'd ever seen. And how in the Hells did it merge with the mountain? This is hella weird. I need to learn its secrets. I found a panel in the room, but the screws were different than any I'd ever seen before, so I had to improvise to get the thing open. I expected gears or something to be on the other side of it, but all there was was some hella weird tubing and more of those weird screws.

       While I was tinkering with the panel, Oskar found the way into the next room- which was a workroom! There were tools and supplies everywhere and I gathered it all up. I found some odd cording that seemed surprisingly sturdy- I think it might be a weird ass rope. There were lots of tools I was familiar with, and they had these cute little cases! I also took a bunch of the weird things there, because you never know when you'll need some weird ass thing. I like to be prepared for any mechanical emergency at all times.

       When I finished raiding the workroom- it was totally abandoned, it's not stealing!- I saw Oskar and Jak had wandered into a new room, and Quinn had found a weird closet. Quinn and I went in the closet to check it out, and I found another panel. Under this one was a lever- and I figured it probably wasn't dangerous, because why would they have a dangerous closet in the workroom? So, thinking that Quinn, Bumbersnoot, and I would be perfectly safe, I pulled the lever.

       The door slammed shut and we started going down. It was like a closet version of my lift kinda. After a few seconds we stopped moving, and the lever moved back to its original position. The door wiggled a little bit, but wouldn't open. I found the lever that I thought should open the door, but it only opened a few inches, and we were greeted with some yucky goo. "It looks like something big sneezed in here," Quinn said, "let's shut the door." The problem was the snot goo wouldn't let us shut the door. I yanked on the lever to try to get the door shut, but nothing happened. I noticed a hatch on the ceiling of the moving closet, and had Quinn go up there to check it out.

       On top of the elevator, Quinn was hit by an unseen foe- a facehugger- and instantly fell unconscious. 

       I set up my lift system to try to force the door shut, and just as I was finishing some thing came at me from above and latched onto my face. Bumbersnoot bit at the thing, trying to free me, but he couldn't get it off me. I felt it pry my mouth open, and tumbled into the darkness of unconsciousness.

       Another facehugger dropped into the elevator, only to discover Bumbersnoot wasn't organic. The Mechanimal killed it instantly and turned to help his mistress. Bumbersnoot grabbed at the facehugger again... and pulled so hard on it that he broke Winry's neck. 

       Jak, looking for Winry and Quinn, jumped down the elevator shaft, landing completely on top of Quinn's unconscious body. Jak yanked the facehugger off of Quinn as Oskar jumped down the shaft to join him. Seeing that Jak was taking care of Quinn, Oskar jumped into the elevator to check on Winry, just as Bumbersnoot ripped the facehugger off of his fallen mistress; Oskar revived her. 

       Up above, Jak slapped Quinn awake, which made her react by trying to give him fleas- turns out he's a very well groomed bovine. 

       I came to to Oskar standing over me, I'm not sure what happened, but the thing that had attached to my face was dead- with teeth marks in it distinct to Bumbersnoot. Of course he killed it, he's such a good puppy. Now that I could see it, it looked like a spider-scorpion, it had six legs, with a scorpion-like tail, and its body seemed to be a kind of cross between the two. I don't know what that fucking thing is, but it's gross and hella creepy. Bumbersnoot's breath was hella nasty after biting two of the spider-scorpions, so I told him to clean his mouth... he flushed some water out through his mouth, and some of his teeth came out with it. Those things had hurt my baby!

       Oskar managed to get the door shut in the moving closet, so I pulled the lever again, and the closet moved a little before getting stuck. We were a little annoyed by this stupid thing now, so we decided to just climb out. Jak tossed his grappling hook up to the door we'd originally come through, and both he and Quinn climbed out. I had Oskar set up my lift to get Bumbersnoot and I out of the closet, and then I sent him up with it so he could set it up for us to get out of the... closet shaft?

       After the encounter with the spider-scorpions we were all in need of a rest- apparently the boys had fought a couple on their own while Quinn and I were playing in the moving closet. We retreated to the workroom, and I found a lever in there that shut the door, so we'd hopefully be safe from anymore spider-scorpions. Quinn used her mending spell to help me fix up poor Bumbersnoot's mouth. I really like that spell, I need to figure out how to cast it.

       Once we were well rested, Oskar and Jak took us to the room they'd been in when Quinn and I were in the closet, and Oskar mined- yes, mined- some of the snot goo that had gotten crusty off of a panel so I could tinker with it. The boys went to the next room while I looked over the unfamiliar equipment in front of me. I honestly couldn't make heads or tails of what was in front of me, but there was something on the inside of the panel that looked like it might be schematics or something. I sat down to sketch it out, since it wasn't put on any parchment that I could just take a charcoal copy of, and noticed a peculiar crystal sticking out of the panel.

       I tried to push it and nothing happened- I got the same result from pulling. Then I decided to twist it really hard... and twisted it too hard- it snapped off in my hand. I pleaded with Quinn to have her fix it for me, and of course she did- I really need to get my hands on that spell. After close examination of the crystal, once Quinn had fixed it for me, I came to the conclusion that it was a spell  stone... until Quinn cast shocking grasp into it and it exploded. Hopefully there's more of them here so I can study them- without Quinn breaking them this time, now that we know lightning = bad.

       The boys didn't find anything useful in the room they were in, and there didn't seem to be really anywhere else for us to go, so we returned to the moving closet. The boys went down first, and in the time it took me to get down there with my lift, and for Quinn to get herself down after grabbing my lift, they had gotten the snotty door open and had been attacked by more spider-scorpions. Those two just can't stay out of trouble.

      Once we'd regrouped we turned to investigate the hallway in front of us- and got jumped by two more of those fucking spider-scorpions and a slender, wingless, bipedal, black dragon thingy. I guess the stories Jackass had heard were true- and not something manufactured by Volo, as he'd suspected. The spider-scorpions were attacking the boys, and the dragon thing was attacking Quinn. I heard Quinn utter the command word for her chaotic bolt spell, but it hit the ceiling instead of the dragon thing. I sent an acid beetle at the dragon thing, but it dodged the beetle.

       The dragon thing made a sweeping attack with its tail, hitting both Quinn and I. Then another one of those fucking spider-scorpions hit me! I struggled with it until eventually I felt myself slip unconscious again.

       As Jak and Oskar struggled with the facehuggers, the xenomorph grabbed Quinn and ran off. Jak had ripped his facehugger to shreds, and struggled with the one on Winry; when he couldn't get it off of the gnome, he took off after Quinn instead. Oskar pried the facehugger off of  himself and set his spiritual weapon on the one attached to Winry. Bumbersnoot struggled to free his mistress, and was unsuccessful. Eventually Oskar freed Winry and revived her.

       The xenomorph rendered Quinn unconscious as it continued moving her. Jak, pursuing Quinn, found himself in a room filled with hatching eggs, and found himself surrounded. 

       I opened my eyes to Oskar standing over me- again- retracting his hand from the healing he had given me. Quinn and Jak were nowhere to be seen, apparently Quinn had been taken by the dragon thing and Jak went after her. I followed Oskar, since he seemed to know the way we needed to go. As we moved three more fucking spider-scorpions jumped out of the fucking vents at me!!! The fucking thing attached to my fucking face again and I was knocked out again. While I was out, Oskar killed all of the spider-scorpions.

       Oskar activated his spirit guardians before we continued on, and it took out the spider-scorpions before they could even reach us. Eventually we found Jak. We were searching desperately trying to find our missing friend, but she was nowhere to be found. During our search we can upon a room filled with eggs- I set it on fire. Fuck you spider-scorpions! Then we came to a point where Oskar's guardians couldn't get in, or something, he wasn't terribly clear on it, he just kinda muttered it. It was somewhat safe to assume that that was where we needed to look for Quinn.

       The door to the room his magic couldn't penetrate was closed, so I hurried to try to help him get it open. He mined some of the chitin, or as I call it dried snot, off of the wall about where the panel should be and I began working to open it. Jak decided to bait the spider-scorpions to get them into Oskar's protective radius to kill them. I think he was bored. I got the panel opened up pretty quickly, since I'd gotten used to prying them open by now, and found two levers. Oskar immediately began pumping one of them to try to open the door, and I grabbed the other one and pulled really hard.

       The door slammed open to reveal the dragon thing holding Wave- Quinn's trident- and Quinn was slumped over in the corner of the room, unconscious. I recognized the force field around them as the Cube of Force Wave had used to get us up here. Fanfuckingtastic. I really hope she's not dead- or at least not dead enough for Oskar to bring her back. Before we had time to react to the scene before us, three more of those fucking dragon things appeared and all went for Oskar.

       We could hear something banging around in the air ducts above us- probably more fucking spider-scorpions. Jak began beating one of the dragon things on Oskar, and I stepped in to help, by stabbing it. Bumbersnoot tried to bite it, but it was just a little too fast for my puppers and he ended up snapping at the empty air instead. Oskar's spirit hammer finished off that dragon thing, just as another one grabbed him; then two more of the fucking dragon things appeared. This entire area was swarming with them and it fucking sucked. I hope one of them knocks Jackass around a bit when he opens the stasis ball containing it; granted, we haven't caught one yet, but I think we will.

       It was a grueling battle for the four of us against these dragon things, made especially worse because we didn't have Quinn. There was a constant back and forth with them, which was getting increasingly difficult to fight as they whittled us down. One of the spider-scorpions managed to get Jak down, and the dragon thing started dragging him toward the vents, but we couldn't get to him, we had other dragon things in our faces. Bumbersnoot grabbed onto one that was attacking the two of us and tripped it, I stabbed it, and Oskar finished it off.

       There was nothing I could do to help Jak, Bumbersnoot and I can't climb around in the vents, and even if I somehow fit Bumbersnoot in the vent, there's no way in any of the Nine Hells it would be able to hold his massive 600 pounds. Since I couldn't help Jak, I went up to the cube to see if I could get to Quinn- and I was able to pass through it and revive my friend.

       Bumbersnoot alerted me that Oskar was in trouble with a tinny growl. We came around the corner to see three of the dragon things attacking him- and one was hella bigger than the others had been. Bumbersnoot charged the dragon thing that was holding Oskar, and tripped it, freeing Oskar. Oskar tossed his grappling hook up to the vents to go after Jak, while Bumbersnoot and I tried to keep the dragon things occupied. I slashed my scimitar at them and Bumbersnoot was snapping at them and trying to trip them. Getting them prone for even a moment could be hella beneficial to us. Unfortunately the dragon thing that Bumbersnoot had originally knocked down when we came to Oskar's aid was determined to capture the dwarf. It grabbed him again, and hurt him enough to knock him unconscious, dragging him away.

       I was not letting that thing take Oskar. Bumbersnoot ran to Oskar and I revived him as soon as I could reach him. Critical Bumbersnoot killed that one! He's such a good puppy. I noticed that Quinn was coherent enough to help- thank Glittergold- and she sent chaotic spell at two of them. At this point there were still two of the dragon things up. The big one took a swipe at me, thankfully missing me, and Bumbersnoot snapped his metal jaws at it, but it  moved and his jaws caught nothing but open air. I couldn't use my fire at such close range without risking hurting Bumbersnoot or myself, and my acid didn't seem to do anything to them, so I just used my quickrazor, which missed. Bumbersnoot bit it though and managed to knock it down again.

       Quinn doubled her chaotic dart spell and killed one of them, leaving only the big one that Bumbersnoot and I were dealing with. By now Oskar had secured his grapple and started climbing up to the vent to find Jak. The big dragon thing got off the ground and bolted right for Oskar, ignoring Bumbersnoot and I completely. It ran straight into Oskar, and he dropped it, then caught it in a stasis ball. He finished climbing into the vent, and Quinn and I attempted to follow him through the halls.

       We found the door that we were pretty sure led to Jak and Oskar, but unfortunately it was covered in that chitin- the hardened snot. Quinn tried the cleaning the spell on it, and it didn't work. I dug out my smithing hammer and chiseled it off- it was so gross! We were right about the location, the boys were on the other side of the door, and they were both still breathing.

       After that hell we needed to find a place to hunker down and rest. I found another moving closet, but decided not to start pulling levers this time. We looked around for a couple more minutes and found a door with broken wires beneath the panel. I had Quinn mend them, and the door began inching open- until a liquid sprayed. Oskar got tired of waiting and pried the door open.

       The room on the other side of the door was like a whole new world, compared to the snotty hallways we'd been traversing. There was a mummified corpse slumped over a desk, holding some odd device in his hand. I needed to play with it and figure it out while we rested. There was a large bed, and this was fairly comfortable living quarters that were untouched by the dragon things and the spider-scorpions. We found a secret panel in there that led to the moving closet Quinn and I had just found.

Map from "Tales from the Yawning Portal" by Wizards of the Coast

New Magic Items for 5th Edition

If you have your own magic items that you think would be a good addition to ours, let us know in the comments; you may see yours here the next time we update this!

These pages were created at The Homebrewery, an amazing resource for people who make their own content.

Tales from Toril- The Adventures of Critical Bumbersnoot: the Odd Company: A Yawning Portal Novella, Chapter Two

Moon Madness

Dramatis Personae:

Winry Steamgear, the Rock Gnome Alchemist Artificer

Bumbersnoot, Winry's Dachshund Mechanimal Construct

Mara Quinn, the Water Genasi Sea Sorceress

Steve, Quinn's Octopus familiar

Oskar Heartforge, the Shield Dwarf Priest of Moradin

Jak Foostus, the Minotaur Monk

NOTE: Things will be mostly from Winry's perspective, anything in italics is from a third party view, since the artificer can't be everywhere at once. 

***** Tarsakh 15, 1489 DR (The Year of the Warrior Princess), White Plume Mountain

       As we were preparing to leave the gynosphix's lair and continue our mission, Oskar told us what little information he had about this mountain. He said that a wizard created it, or was largely associated with its origin, and this wizard vanished about 1500 years ago. Not the most helpful information, but it's still a bit more than we knew.

       When we were ready to move on, Bumbersnoot and I went down in my lift again- that thing is so useful!- then the others followed. We saw some markings on the wall next to the little lair, when Quinn had apparently stumbled a couple of times trying to get herself back up when she went to retrieve Steve at the end of her watch. Didn't think much of it, since no one came at us during my watch, they just passed under us.

       Jak tried to determine which of the three paths was the most traveled, but it wasn't easy since there was a foot of water on the floor. He eventually said that the center path was our best option, but he was probably just picking a random direction. Quinn cast water walk on us again so we didn't have to slosh through that yuckiness.

       As we passed through the intersection, we heard the grinding of stone- the way back to the gynosphinx's lair was now blocked off. Before we really registered that Jak heard some sloshing in the water and Oskar's hammer began to glow.

       A pair of hands popped out of the water and grabbed at Jak's ankles, trying to trip him. The owner of said hands was two wights who decided to pop up, and Jak began pounding on them instantly. Then two ogres came at us from a side tunnel. Bumbersnoot turned to them and used his steam breath, though the ogre just barely managed to dodge it. Another fucking wight came at us, and two more ogres came out of the other side tunnel. I think Quinn's very obvious goo marks on the wall were noticed and they laid a trap for us. Fanfuckingtastic.

       Since Jak seemed to have the wights mostly pinned down, and Oskar and Quinn were dealing with the second set of ogres, Bumbersnoot and I focused on the two in front of us. I sent a beetle to the closest one, and it got covered in acid. Then I hit it with my quickrazor, which seemed to hurt it hella bad. Bumbersnoot bit the ogre's ankle and managed to trip it! It was hella funny watching my little brass dog trip a fucking ogre!

       Around the corner from Winry and Bumbersnoot, Quinn set a chaos bolt at a wight, killing it instantly, and Jak continued working on pounding the final wight into a pulp. Oskar summoned his spirit guardians and killed one of the ogres near him with it, then hurt the other one with his spiritual weapon. 

       The ogre in front of us got up and swiped at Bumbersnoot and I, giving us an amazing opening. Critical Bumbersnoot grabbed the ogre and yanked on his leg so hard that when he fell his head exploded out like a melon. Bumbersnoot took us to the other ogre on our side and tripped him, then I hit him with an acid beetle- my quickrazor missed, it was a weird angle from his prone position with that weapon.

       Quinn lashed out at the ogre in front of her and somehow managed to hit herself instead. Jak finished beating the remaining wight, leaving just the ogre on Quinn and the one Winry and Critical Bumbersnoot were dealing with. Oskar's spirit weapon and guardians hit the ogre on them hard, but not quite hard enough; Quinn zapped him with a shocking grasp, leaving a curse behind- allowing Jak to finish it off.

       The ogre got up again and hit Bumbersnoot! Now he had to die. Nobody hurts my puppy and lives. Bumbersnoot grabbed his ankle and knocked him back down, then I sent another acid beetle at it and hit it with my razor. Before we could do anything else, Oskar came around the corner and killed it with his spirit guardians... I was a little disgruntled that he killed that one, I wanted to kill it for hurting Bumbersnoot.

       We continued going down the center path and eventually came across a pit. Jak went in, said it was about 10 feet big, and there was a valve that he was going to pull. Somehow, Jak dislocated his shoulder trying to turn the valve, and didn't even manage to make the damn thing budge. He screamed like a banshee when Oskar popped it back into place, giving him shit the entire time. We went to look at the valve, and it wheel was completely corroded with rust. I gave Quinn a little bit of metal and she used the mending spell to fix it up. It was so badly damaged that it took two mendings to turn the fucking thing, and when it finally moved, the water started draining from the room.

       With that finally fucking done, we continued on and eventually entered a room covered in water, with steps rising out of the muck on the far side of the room. We noticed a little ripple that was likely a ledge, and as we drew near, Oskar's hammer began to glow. A female humanoid popped her head out of the water, and charmed Jak; a second head emerged and attempted to charm me, but it didn't work. We're facing at least two kelpies here and Jak is charmed by one of them. Fanfuckingtastic.

       Jak began an awkward trance-like walk toward the first kelpie, while Bumbersnoot and I turned to the next one. Bumbersnoot bit the one who'd tried to charm me, then I hit the bitch with acid. I flicked my wrist to slash her with my quickrazor, but the fucking thing jammed. Oskar and Quinn went for the other kelpie, Quinn zapped it and Oskar whacked it with his hammer. Jak was now lying at the other kelpie's feet, stunned or something.

       The kelpie in front of us grabbed Bumbersnoot and he couldn't break out. I tried to free him, but I'm just not strong enough, and my Daring Sir didn't do nearly as much to the kelpie as it should have. My poor puppy kept struggling, he was badly hurt, but I couldn't get him out of the kelpie's grasp. Quinn came to our aid and hit the kelpie with a frostbite, but it didn't break her hold on my baby. Then things got hella bad. The kelpie grabbed onto me and began to pull both of us underwater. Quinn pursued to help us, thank the Gods.

       Jak managed to break out of the charm the kelpie had placed on him. The kelpie who had charmed him grabbed him and attempted to drag him under the water, but Oskar grabbed tight to the minotaur, determined to keep him from going under. Oskar began beating on the kelpie while maintaining his hold on Jak. Oskar managed to keep hold of it long enough for Jak to kill it. 

       Bumbersnoot and I managed to squirm out of the kelpie's cold, wet grasp, but only for a brief second before the bitch grabbed me and held tight again. Bumbersnoot bit her, but he couldn't get me free. Quinn hit the kelpie with an ice knife, which explodes on impact. She killed the kelpie, but now I was trapped in fucking ice. Bumbersnoot used his steam breath to melt the ice, and Quinn hit it, breaking it enough for me to get free.

       We met up with the others I asked for us to take a break so I could repair Bumbersnoot. The kelpie had damaged him so badly that he was going to take a lot of work to get fixed up. Quinn actually sped the process up for me with that mending spell. That thing is hella useful. I need to figure out how to learn it.

       Once Bumbersnoot was fixed up we were underway again, and we eventually came to a door on our right, and an additional one just down the hall. Jak started messing with door, so Oskar pried it open. I told them I could just pick the lock, but male stubbornness I guess. Whatever. It saves the wear on my lockpicks anyway.

       On the other side of the door was a metal cylinder that was spinning madly. It was painted with a black and white spiral pattern, which made me hella dizzy to look at. It also looked like the cylinder was coated with something.* I spent about a minute looking at it, trying to determine if there was a way I could jam it or something, and I began to feel enthralled by it. I'm not sure how long I kept starting at that stupid thing, in a complete trance, but eventually Oskar slapped me back to my senses.

       Oskar had a spell that would help us get through the tunnel, but it would take a few minutes to cast. Jak got bored and ran through the tunnel. Quinn decided to follow him and used her misty step to get over there. Apparently only Bumbersnoot and needed to wait for that spell. While we waited, I saw a green mist comes out of the corridor behind Jak and Quinn, and Jak puked- thankfully not in the tunnel. Then a crossbow bolt seemed to just appear in Quinn's side. We needed to get over there quickly. Thankfully Oskar was finishing up his spell, and a bridge made of air went through the cylinder now.

       The three of us hurried onto the bridge and through the tunnel, but before we reached the other side, the thick, green cloud ignited. The flames caused Oskar's bridge to vanish, and the three of us tumbled down, left at the mercy of the cylinder; which some asshole dumped oil on, making it hella difficult for us to get up and out. I mean, I'm sure that was the point, but really, the cylinder is enough of a bitch without dumping fucking oil on it. Anyway, the three of us were now being jostled around by a tunnel from Hells that was on fucking fire. Quinn dumped a bunch of water into the tunnel to help extinguish the flames, but instead it only sputtered for a second, before flaming back to life- this time there seemed to be even more fire. Bumbersnoot and I tried to get him on his feet, but it just wasn't working, and to make it even more annoying, as we struggled some thunder spell hit us.

       We finally made it up and out of the damned thing and I went to pick the lock on the door- for once they actually waited for me to do it. Of course the one time they actually wait for me, and we can't even get the door open. I emptied an acid beetle on it to start dissolving it. Quinn sent a wave of thunder through the murder holes, and whoever was on the other side retaliated with another green cloud... making Jak puke again. Oskar began beating on the door, putting a huge crack in it. Then Quinn decided to destroy all of the water in the door, shrinking and warping it. I began to feel the nauseating effects of that cloud too, it was hella awful.

      Even shrunk and warped the door still did not want to come down. Bumbersnoot headbutted the stupid thing, and Oskar started pounding on it with his shield. The people on the other side of the murder holes hit Quinn, and she turned into water and flowed through the holes... That's a new one. Bumbersnoot rammed the door again, and it snapped- flying past us and into the stupid tunnel of douchebaggery.

       We were greeted on the other side of the door to four werewolves. Fanfuckingtastic. Oskar hit one of them and it vanished- she was using a mirror image. Quinn doubled her chaotic bolt thingy, killed the dude that was in the murder holes, and popped another illusion. Jak got rid of the final illusion, leaving us with the one hella pissed off werewolf.

       Bumbersnoot bit her ankle, but wasn't able to trip her. I hit her with an acid beetle and slashed at her midsection with my quickrazor. The wolf snarled and leapt onto Oskar, doing what looked like some pretty nasty damage to him- and then the bitch (pun intended) put another set of mirror images up. Oskar sent a healing burst to us all, and Quinn yelled at the wolf to get fleas... which did literally nothing. I think she was trying to give it fleas, but I can't be sure. Jak popped two of the illusions and managed to score a hit on the bitch herself. Bumbersnoot took out the final illusion and I hit the bitch hard with my quickrazor.

       ...She fucking put up more mirror images... I'm starting to think the bitch only knows a single spell. She clawed into poor Oskar once her mirrors were in place again. Quinn took out a mirror, as did Jak, but then he slipped somehow and she was able to rip into him. Again Critical Bumbersnoot popped the final mirror, and I hit her hella hard with my quickrazor- somehow she evaded my acid beetle. The bitch continued mauling the fuck out of Oskar while he scrambled to heal himself so he could survive this onslaught. Quinn finished her off with that weird changing bolt of hers. Oskar stabilized the bitch and I stuck her in one of my balls.

       The room we were in was small, with just a couple benches and a table. There was a candlestick on the table, along with a book. Oskar opened the book and an explosion went off.* Quinn was standing too close to Oskar when he opened the book, and was now covered in some hella nasty burns, her skin looked charred and waxy, especially on her face, which was so grotesque I had a little trouble keeping my lunch down.

       Jak opened up the door that lead into the next room and it was like stepping into a different world.  This room was beautifully decorated, with fine rugs, erotic tapestries, shimmering curtains, and the ceiling had a mosaic that depicted a summer sky full of fluffy clouds. There was a huge bed covered in cushions, it looked hella comfy. There was a bed next to the table that was covered in all sorts of yummy looking cake. Of course Jak didn't seem to notice any of this, he beelined straight for the big oak chest in the corner.* The second the chest opened another green cloud oozed out, making me sick- again- so Bumbersnoot took up out of the room while we waited for the cloud to clear.

       We decided to take a rest here, since this seemed secluded enough. Unfortunately the cushy looking bed was hard, lumpy, and uncomfortable; and the food was tough and didn't taste very good. This place was nothing but a giant disappointment- but it seemed like a safe disappointment, so there was that. To close the door on the other side of the tunnel we ended up shooting a crossbow bolt at it, with a rope attached, so we could pull it closed. I couldn't find anything that could stop the stupid thing from spinning.

       A couple of hours into the rest, I woke up to Quinn in distress- apparently something invisible was attacking her. Another invisible thing was in the next room with Oskar and Jak, but they took theirs out pretty quickly. Quinn put mist around the floor to look for disturbances, and Oskar was swinging a bag of flour, hoping to get some on it so we could find it. Jak was charging blindly around the room, and ran head first into Bumbersnoot, and he dropped to the floor- the dumbass had knocked himself out with my dog. I didn't know if I should laugh or be annoyed that he hurt Bumbersnoot in the process.

       Oskar managed to find the guy and pointed him out to us, then revived Jak. Bumbersnoot hit it with his steam breath, and I saw an acid beetle break on something that wasn't there. It went for Oskar, and we all converged on it. We completely decimated the fucking thing, then waited about ten minutes to see if it did anything more. We couldn't even get it in a ball because we couldn't find that damn thing.

       About an hour later, Oskar began to feel rage, shifting into a werewolf for the first time. Bumbersnoot was the only one in the room on watch with him, so he attacked the Mechanimal. Bumbersnoot let out a tinny howl to wake up the rest of the group. Oskar lunged at Bumbersnoot, who defended himself with steam breath. Jak was the first one in the room, and his initial thought was that Bumbersnoot was just attacking Oskar unprovoked- he hadn't noticed the change in his companion yet- so he attacked Bumbersnoot too. Having a fleshy target changed Oskar's course, and he attacked Jak, biting the minotaur. Quinn came out and tried to use ice to muzzle Oskar- but it didn't work. Somehow Winry was sleeping through the entire altercation.

       I woke up to Bumbersnoot nosing me, telling me there was a threat, so I grabbed my bag and hopped on my dogs back and he brought me out. I sent an acid beetle to Oskar and hit him with my quickrazor. Jak was beating on Oskar, and then he ran into the bedroom, dodging my exploding mouse. Quinn tried to freeze Oskar into a corner- which didn't go so well. Jak managed to tackle him and hold him down, and Quinn tried again to give him an ice muzzle. I was tired, cranky, and straight up pissed about Oskar hurting my baby so I didn't exercise restraint when I stabbed him with my scimitar and my quickrazor, and I didn't tell Bumbersnoot to restrain himself when he bit Oskar.

       Jak continued beating on Oskar, trying to knock him out, and Quinn was hellbent on trapping him in ice instead of rendering him unconscious. After the ice muzzle failed- twice- she tried to restrain him in ice... which he fucking broke out of. I missed him as he squirmed out of the ice, but thankfully Jak kept hold of him. Quinn tried again to use ice to stop him- this time by trying to surround him entirely in it. Unfortunately it was at the same moment that Bumbersnoot used his steam breath, so the ice wasn't very helpful. Oskar apparently didn't appreciate the steam breath, he grabbed onto me and bit me. Jak slammed into him and beat on him before Oskar broke away and ended up in the corner of the room again. Critical Bumbersnoot and I knocked him out.

       We got Oskar tied up and stable, and I dumped some silver onto him. But he didn't stay down. He rolled away from Jak, and Quinn missed him with ice again. We began trying to knock the fucking werewolf out again. Somehow in the chaos that ensued he managed to bit Jak, and Jak went down. I revived Jak, and eventually we got Oskar unconscious again, and under control. We were going to just lock Oskar in the room, but Jak insisted on staying in there with him, so Quinn froze the door shut to keep them both inside.

***** Tarsakh 16, White Plume Mountain

       In the morning the plain, yucky food on the table had been transformed into hearty dwarven food, and it was damn good. Evidently Moradin was smiling upon his priest. Oskar cast a spell to remove curses on Jak and I to prevent us from being turned into werewolves- I really hope it worked. Once we'd finished eating this incredible meal, we headed on our way.

       Along the corridor we encountered three doors, which Jak opened up, and found nothing inside. Eventually the corridor spilled out into a small room that was surrounded by some sort of force field, keeping the boiling water above it at bay. It was steamy in here, distorting our vision a little bit. We could just make out a chest on the other side of the room, which Jak swaggered up to and flipped it out carelessly.

       A nearly translucent arm covered in barbs appeared out of nowhere and slapped Oskar, just as another nearly invisible arm slapped Jak. Our attack revealed itself to be a giant cave mantis shrimp. Quinn tried to charm it with her trident, but nothing happened. Jak began pounding on it, and it dodged my acid beetle. With a snap of its claw the mantis shrimp dropped Jak. With that, Oskar activated his spirit guardians, and revived Jak.

       The shrimp dodged my acid beetle again, and Jak popped up to get a few hits in before it dropped him again. It moved away from the unconscious Jak and swung at Bumbersnoot, missing him, then hitting Oskar hard. Bumbersnoot used his steam breath- I didn't want him biting that shrimp if I could avoid it- and it finally was struck by my beetle! Oskar's spirit guardians seemed to hurt it pretty badly, and Quinn vanished... I think she was blinking.

       Jak was up again, thanks to Oskar, and tossed a ball at  the shrimp, but it didn't do anything, just opened up. The shrimp's arm reared back and it sliced whatever the fuck was holding the water back- the scalding water began sloshing in, and its arm starting looking pink- I think it was cooking itself. Jak fumbled an attack at it, and it dropped him AGAIN. Oskar got the killing blow, and revived Jak again; he caught the shrimp in a ball. Quinn suddenly misty stepped across the room to the chest and picked up the trident in it. She yelled at us to get to the chest, and I grabbed that open ball on my way so I could tinker with it later.

       The trident had Quinn activate a cube of force to protect us from the boiling just in the nick of time. We began to float upward, all the way up the mountain, then were shot up toward the plume. Eventually we were bouncing against the top of the mountain, stuck in a steam vent just outside of the hole, when we noticed a cave. We all slammed into the side of the cube to move ourselves there, and the cube popped just in time to spill us out into the most bizarre cave I've ever seen.

      The walls were strange- a kind of metal I'd never seen before, and it was fused with the natural rocks. There was a hole on the other side of the room that it looked like we could squeeze through to go further in. This must be where the dragon thingy the professor sent us here for is. There was a flashing green light that Oskar hit with his hammer... a bunch of things lit up at that, and I heard the familiar whirring of machines. It all shut back down in a few seconds, and some red lights began flashing where the wall and floor met. I don't know what this place is, but I need to take it apart and learn everything about it. I am so glad I had the tech clause removed from my contract!

Photo from Tales of the Yawning Portal by Wizards of the Coast

Map from "Tales from the Yawning Portal" by Wizards of the Coast

*Author's note: Many of the events, locations and characters that occur in this story are from Tales from the Yawning Portal by Wizards of the Coast.