Drowning in Paperwork
Dramatis Personae:
Lady Claire Thundersword-Petunia, the Human Wererat Swordcaptain of the Purple Dragon Knights
Riddle, Claire's baby basilisk
Hans, Claire's Basalt Wolf Figurine
Urthstripe. Claire's Alabaster Badger Figurine
Rosebud Goldenrod Petunia, the Halfling/Shetland Pony "Centaur" Wererat Berserker, "The Destroyer;" who sees magic where there is none and collects things that aren't there
Lily Trillium Petunia, the Green Dragonborn Lore Bard, and Rosebud, Geophry, Flimflam, and Claire's "Momma;" champion of the Living Dungeon
Astrid Rockham, the Longstrider Shifter Evocation Wizard
Calipso, Astrid's Lizard Familiar
Riddle, Claire's baby basilisk
Hans, Claire's Basalt Wolf Figurine
Urthstripe. Claire's Alabaster Badger Figurine
Rosebud Goldenrod Petunia, the Halfling/Shetland Pony "Centaur" Wererat Berserker, "The Destroyer;" who sees magic where there is none and collects things that aren't there
Lily Trillium Petunia, the Green Dragonborn Lore Bard, and Rosebud, Geophry, Flimflam, and Claire's "Momma;" champion of the Living Dungeon
Astrid Rockham, the Longstrider Shifter Evocation Wizard
Calipso, Astrid's Lizard Familiar
Seluna, the Moon Elf Drow Totem Warrior Circle of the Moon Druid and Silverstar of Selûne
Niles Rubusthorn, the Moon Elf Shadow Dancer
Geophry Cherry Blossom Petunia, the chair that used to be a boy
Amin of Citadel Adbar, the Shield Dwarf Alchemist
Lith, the Bronze Dragonborn Scholar
Fitzzle, Lith's violet faerie dragon familiar
Flimflam Pebblehead-Petunia, the Deep Gnome Arcanist who has to collect everything he finds and thinks everyone should be gluttonous
Arwenel, the Elf Scholar
Falkryn Stonekey, the Shield Dwarf Ruin Raider
Schnella Stonesneak, the Deep Gnome Delver
Niles Rubusthorn, the Moon Elf Shadow Dancer
Geophry Cherry Blossom Petunia, the chair that used to be a boy
Amin of Citadel Adbar, the Shield Dwarf Alchemist
Lith, the Bronze Dragonborn Scholar
Fitzzle, Lith's violet faerie dragon familiar
Flimflam Pebblehead-Petunia, the Deep Gnome Arcanist who has to collect everything he finds and thinks everyone should be gluttonous
Arwenel, the Elf Scholar
Falkryn Stonekey, the Shield Dwarf Ruin Raider
Schnella Stonesneak, the Deep Gnome Delver
Comrades we have lost:
Ront, the Orc Fighter- turned into hamburger by Pwent
Buppido, the Derro- smashed by Orvald
Eldeth Feldrun, the Shield Dwarf- killed during escape
Hera Adaar, the Abyssal Tiefling Wild Sorceress- swept away
Luna Trelawny, the Human Divination Wizard- skull caved in by rock thrown by Fidget, then finished off by black pudding
Sarith Zekarit, the Drow Scout- drowned
Phillip Johnson, the Human Cleric- in a seemingly irreversible coma, left in Hemeth's care
Jim Jar, the Deep Gnome- eaten by grell
Prince Derendil, the Quaggoth- killed by sea troll
Shuushar, the "Awakened" Kuo-toa- turned into shuushi by sea troll
Hemeth, the Duergar Arms Dealer- parted with group in Gracklstugh met group briefly on route to Mantol Derith for trade
Thimblepwent Battlehammer, the Dwarven Battlerager Barbarian- turned into dog food
Orvald Abershaw, the Mousefolk Barbarian-became a squeaky toy last seen in Bahamutsville under Zin-carla attacked the party at a gateway they found
Zenit 'Dracon, the Drow Fighter-abandoned the party because Orvald died last seen in Bahamutsville attacked the party at a gateway they found
Lythana Belmyr, the Half-Drow Blood Hunter of Eilistraee- sacrificed to Demogorgon
Codsworth, the polite Flumph- shredded by crossbow
Zarrus, the Tiefling Favored Soul Sorcerer of Mephisto- vanished during gnoll fight
Ol' Sparky, the Deep Dragon- last seen thrown into a portal to the Abyss by a glabrezu
Aura, the Air Genasi Storm Sorceress- accidental self-vaporization (bitch blew herself up)
Kyri, the Minotaur Scout- vaporized by a jackass
Thimblepwent Battlehammer, the Dwarven Battlerager Barbarian- turned into dog food
Orvald Abershaw, the Mousefolk Barbarian-
Zenit 'Dracon, the Drow Fighter-
Lythana Belmyr, the Half-Drow Blood Hunter of Eilistraee- sacrificed to Demogorgon
Codsworth, the polite Flumph- shredded by crossbow
Zarrus, the Tiefling Favored Soul Sorcerer of Mephisto- vanished during gnoll fight
Ol' Sparky, the Deep Dragon- last seen thrown into a portal to the Abyss by a glabrezu
Aura, the Air Genasi Storm Sorceress- accidental self-vaporization (bitch blew herself up)
Kyri, the Minotaur Scout- vaporized by a jackass
Fidget Stonegear, the Deep Gnome Inventor- big badda boom
Miarielle, the Lythari Priestess of Corellon- bigger badda boom
Glabbagool, the Gelatinous Cube- stayed with the kobolds
Kara Reginleif, the Half-Valkyrie Wererat Champion from the Zhentarim- vorpaled to pieces by demon Easter bunnies
Glabbagool, the Gelatinous Cube- stayed with the kobolds
Kara Reginleif, the Half-Valkyrie Wererat Champion from the Zhentarim- vorpaled to pieces by demon Easter bunnies
Rumpadump, the Myconid Child- frozen by demon Easter bunny was raised by Mezzem and went missing, it is believed that Stool ate him
Sajin Silvertongue, the Deep Gnome Wererat Assassin- got stoned and kissed a pretty Medusa
Yklwa, Tali's Deinonychus animal companion- devoured by corbies
Natali, the Tiger Therinthrope Beastmaster- wished herself home
Roswyn Darkshooter, the Deep Gnome Delver- grick kibble
Mezzem, the Kobold Wererat Priestess of Bahamut who plots the murder of anyone who slights her- stayed in Blingdenstone
Vadania Nailaza, the Wild Elf Oakroot of Rillifane Rallathil- dust in the wind
Thecker Powdercraft, the Deep Gnome Wererat Gunslinger and Inquisitor of Bahamut- retired in Blingdenstone
Stool, the Myconid Child- stayed in Blingdenstone
Galothel Nightbreeze, the Moon Elf Alchemist- MIA after the Battle of Blingdenstone
Topsy and Turvy Goldwhiskers, the Deep Gnome Wererat Rogue Twins- stayed in Blingdenstone
Kazul, the Copper Platinum Dragonborn Shadow Monk of Bahamut- skull caved in by another rock from Fidget was restored to life by her god- MIA after Astrid's wish
Twyla Alderleaf, the Moon Elf Scout- MIA after Astrid's wish
Mithrilye, the Sun Elf Entertainer who will do anything to achieve her goals, and believes that anything that can bring her pleasure should be enjoyed immediately, not saved until later- MIA after Astrid's wish, believed to be trapped in the Abyss
Friendly Fire: 225
Party members killed: 24
Overall party members lost: 39
NOTE: Things will be mostly from Claire's perspective, anything with italics is from a third party, since the knight can't be everywhere at once.
***** The Feast of the Moon Holiday, 1489 DR (The Year of the Warrior Princess), Gauntlgrym
When everything was properly oriented again, we were standing in front of some massive gates that seemed to make up the face of a dwarf. There was some movement on the battlements above us, but it was hard to make much out. On the ground next to us were two human corpses, that appeared to have been flogged to death. Astrid said they were Fred and George, her friends from her ship, and the only ones still alive when she had escaped. Momma gathered samples from each of the so we could resurrect them later.
Flimflam, Schnella, Falkryn, Geophry, and Lith were still unconscious from the drow poison, but what mattered was they were here.
We realized that Twyla, Mithrilye, and Not-Kazul weren't with us, something had prevented Astrid's wish from bringing them with us. While I didn't really care what happened to Not-Kazul, I was worried about Twyla and Mithrilye.
Rosebud yelled at the gates and banged on them with his hammer. Someone responded, asking what we were doing there, people were supposed to be going to the upper bastion. Since we hadn't gone through any of the checkpoints that would have led us to the upper bastion, we didn't know. Before they could let us through the gates, two enormous snails landed next to us.
Frantically Rosebud slapped Schnella and Falkryn awake, while Astrid attempt to wake up Lith- but she wouldn't rise. I slapped Flimflam and the jackass wouldn't budge- of course when we need him he's napping. I hate drow poison. One of the snails lashed out tentacles at me, as if they were flails; the other did the same to Falkryn. Momma threw up a wall of fire between the snail and Flimflam, Geophry, and I, to buy me time to wake their asses up.
Rosebud pounded on the snail that was on him and Falkryn- but he also hit Falkryn once too. Astrid tried again to rouse Lith, and I tried on both Flimflam and Geophry to no avail. Momma even threw an insult at Geophry, and he still didn't wake. The snail that was behind the fire wall moved through it as if it wasn't even there, and began flailing at me, Flimflam, and Geophry- and those hits actually woke up Geophry! Flimflam ended up with a concussion and a broken leg from the beating.
Falkryn tossed her grapple at the snail on her and began to climb it- it lashed out and hit her pretty hard, she started swinging, but held tight to the rope; then she lashed at it with a silver chain. Schnella joined the assault on that snail and seemed to hurt it pretty badly, it flailed at them in response, then withdrew into its shell to hide. Rosebud began beating on the shell in rage- I think he was trying to crack it open.
From behind me, a beam of crackling blue energy came at the snail on me, but the magic seemed to vanish right in front of it. Shit. I stabbed it with my javelin, and the lightning was reflected back at me- that thing fucking hurts. I used the battleaxe function on my Rod to hack into the beast. Momma slashed his palm to use blood magic again, I heard him mutter something about waking up the others. The snail's flail slammed into Lith hard, and I heard a sickening crunch that signified it had broken something- probably a rib given the spot it hit her. Geophry began zapping Flimflam, trying hard to wake him up, but still the insane svirfneblin refused to rise.
Falkryn swung into the shell of the other one, and was probably going to finish it off. I managed to score one hit on mine through its shell, and Rosebud joined me in beating on it. Some glowing darts came flying from behind me again- likely from Astrid- and instead of going into the shell they exploded all around her. Momma attempted his blood magic again, and it again seemed to fail. The snail poked its head out and spat a rope of goo, then it swung to the gate; Rosebud and I each got a hit in before it got away.
Geophry seemed determined to wake up Flimflam, as he shoved a potion down Flimflam's throat and then slammed his head against the ground- and he still didn't rise. Rosebud took a shot at the snail, then I used my new crossbow... and it fucking jammed. Momma sprayed his blood all over our sleeping friends to set off whatever spell it was he was using to awaken everyone; the spell worked, and he collapsed. Geophry was instantly at Momma's side, pouring a potion down his throat. The one on the wall seemed dead, so we all moved to the one hiding in its shell on the ground. Then Seluna got up and asked why we were beating up dead snails.
Several dwarves emerged from the gates to confirm that the snails were dead, and asked why we didn't come in through a safer route. Momma explained to them that we had been wished here, and didn't know about the dangers lurking outside these gates. They permitted us entrance and brought us to a waiting area; a couple of minutes later we were brought food and ale.
Geophry was being bratty at me, and Momma reminded him that he had adopted me too, so Chairy pulled my hair. Little brothers are the worst sometimes. Then Geophry dared me to kick him, but I wouldn't rise to his bait- so Rosebud kicked him, and his foot got stuck to Chairy somehow.
While we waited Momma instructed Geophry to pretend he was just a chair in front of others, for his own safety. Eventually a dwarf in full plate armor came in, introducing himself as Gurnin Bloodshield, and said he was here to take our statement. Momma rambled out the story, in much less eloquence than normal, and Gurnin told us he believed us, even though a lot of our story sounded insane. Which honestly, if I hadn't lived it I'd probably think much of it was insane too. After that some of their priests came in to heal Momma, since he'd taken heavy damage trying to wake everyone up during the snail fight. Gods, even saying "snail fight" sounds insane; in Cormyr they're a delicacy, and here I am slaughtering enormous ones.
We were taken to accommodations by way of a mine cart, I was a little surprised they had one Rosebud could fit in, and on the way we were given a tour of the city- it was breathtaking. The work the ancient dwarves must have put into creating something like this was incredible; I thought Cormyrean cities were amazing, but this was like nothing I'd even seen before. When we finally arrived at our rooms they were fantastic; apparently they have rooms set up for surfacer's comforts.
Momma and Astrid went to nap, they were completely exhausted; Rosebud and Geophry decided they wanted to go shopping, and I went with them so they'd have some supervision. The jackasses took off before I could follow them, and by the time I caught up, Rosebud had purchased several magical items and was in the process of buying out a food stall. He got directions for where to find the best ale, and the shitheads took off before I could follow them.
Since I had no hope of catching up with my brothers, I went to the smith's guild to get directions to the Forge, so I could deliver the box to Dwarvenforge's kin. I got horribly lost and ended up in a mine. Instead of getting myself even more lost, I decided to help the miners in exchange for them helping me get back when they were done. For the first couple of hours I kept up with them pretty well, but by the end of the last hour I could barely lift my pickaxe. They gave me endless shit about it on the way back to my rooms.
When I got back the room was completely packed with food and booze- Rosebud had been very busy. I was so exhausted that I headed straight for bed without having anything. As I passed Momma on the way he cast a spell on me that made me slightly less miserable, but I was still barely able to stay awake long enough to get out of my armor.
***** Nightal 1, Gauntlgrym
The next morning a dwarf in robes came by to take our statement for King Bruenor, and Momma was much more awake today, so he gave them a much better report of what had happened. We were told the King would want to see us soon. They also inquired about the alcohol in our room, and Rosebud told them where he got it from; turns out it was a group of thieves who he had purchased it from, and the information he provided could lead to an arrest.
We also requested an area to put up the Tower, and there was a lot of red tape we had to get through before they'd allow us something like that. Before the dwarf left, I told them I needed to deliver something to Dwarvenforge, and he said he'd pass along the message.
After he left Momma told us he had a nightmare that Mithrilye was in the Abyss being tortured. We needed to go after her as soon as possible.
Later that day Rosebud was given a badge for helping them apprehend the criminals, which he could take to the quartermaster for a reward.
***** Nightal 2, Gauntlgrym
The next morning we were woken up to a deep gnome knocking at our door, it was Dwarvenforge's kin. I gave him the box I'd been carrying around for so long, and we placed some orders for gear from him.
We needed to get some better magic items if we were to go into the Abyss, so Astrid went to inquire about those. It turns out we have to fill out forms to purchase those types of things, and those forms were available at the quartermaster's place.
The badge Rosebud had gave him some credits and permission to buy items, but the rest of us still had to fill out the forms. I had to fill out a lengthy lineage tree, while the others had to fill out lengthy background reports. We were told they'd have our answers in the morning.
That night we all went to the tavern to blow off some steam- well, everyone except Seluna and Niles, who had barely left the kitchen since we'd arrived. When we got back to the rooms we found that they weren't completely packed with food anymore. Seluna and Niles had hidden the food to keep Flimflam from constantly eating it, which was pretty much all he'd done since it had been delivered.
***** Nightal 3. Gauntlgrym
The next morning Lily rose very early and slipped out of their rooms to get to the quartermaster the moment he opened the doors. When the quartermaster finally opened, he told Lily that Astrid had been denied, handing him a very thick folder explaining why; it all boiled down to her life of crime and piracy.
Claire had been denied as well, because the Ruin card she'd drawn had made her family declare her dead. The Thunderswords had told the quartermaster that she was most certainly dead, and if someone was there claiming to be her, it was an impostor, not the real Claire.
The quartermaster told Lily that they wouldn't be taking legal action against Claire or Astrid, but they would be keeping an eye on the two of them.
Lily, Flimflam, and Rosebud were the only ones who had been approved to purchase magic items.
Lily returned to the room and woke up everyone except Claire and Astrid to discuss what he had learned about them. Once he had talked to the others he decided to wake them up in the loudest, most obnoxious way possible.
I woke to Momma's voice booming that it was time to get up. He told us that Astrid and I had been denied permission to purchase magic items, and handed Astrid a massive folder. Momma said she had best behave herself while we're in this city.
Then he handed me a much smaller folder, and told me that according to my family I was dead. He put up the truth telling spell and had me tell him everything of my journey again; once I'd finished that he explained that the Ruin card I'd drawn from the Deck of Many Things must have been the culprit. I had to find a Fates card to undo the Ruin card in order to go home. Then Momma said that perhaps the Fates are trying to take me out, considering I drew the card that made the angel of death appear.
My entire world had just crashed around my ears. My life was over. I was no longer Lady Claire Thundersword, but merely Claire. I wanted to just crawl under a rock and die. Instead I grabbed a large bottle of liquor and began drinking. Eventually Astrid began reading her file to me, telling me stories from her criminal past; they were amusing, but didn't do anything to pull me out of the pit of despair I now found myself in.
Lily, Rosebud, and Flimflam decided to go out shopping while I drank my sorrow, I didn't care if they found me anything useful. I just wanted to cry and drink.
Lily searched for and found the black market, attempting to entice them into stealing a Deck of Many Things he'd found in the most upscale part of the markets. Shortly after he came back, there was a commotion in that area, and Lily was sure it was one of them stealing the Deck. It took them several hours to finally get out of the area, but they had made some good purchases.
After Momma got back from shopping, a messenger showed up and told us we needed to fill out a bunch of forms in order to erect the Tower. Momma tried to find some way around that, but the dwarf insisted there wasn't one. This place sucks. Its bureaucracy is worse than Cormyr's.
Momma also had a plan to steal a Deck of Many Things from some thief in the city. Of course I was in, since only a Fates card would allow me to come home. Rosebud was much father ahead of a us, and we caught up with him in the red lantern district, having far too much fun in a brothel. Momma paid them to keep him, Geophry, and Flimflam busy for a while, and suggested Astrid and I also enjoy ourselves. Since stealth isn't really my thing anyways I stayed, but I wasn't really that into it.
Lily and Lith went out on their own to the house of the man who they believed had stolen the Deck. When they arrived, they found him dead, with the deed to a keep next to him; he'd drawn the wrong card. Lith picked up the Deck, did a divination spell, moved some cards around, and drew the Star, the Vizier, and the Fates cards. Her patron had given her a mission to collect as many Fates cards as possible from the Deck, but in this draw, she took the one card Claire so desperately needed.
Eventually Momma and Lith came back to the brothel and got everyone, the boys were very unhappy to leave and whined the entire way home. When we got back to our little villa Momma produced the Deck and told us all we could draw from it. Rosebud went first, drawing the Knight, and causing a strange creature with the head of a horse attached to the hips of a halfling to appear. Apparently this is Rosebud's other half, Alfalfa; when Momma had created Rosebud he'd used the parts that were leftover to create this odd monstrosity. Rosebud's luck with the Deck didn't last though, and he drew the Ruin- which wrote him out of Lily's will.
I needed to draw, but couldn't risk losing anything else that was important to me, so I completely stripped down, gave all of my things to Momma, claiming he owned them while I drew. Astrid did the same before she drew, but that didn't seem to help her luck much. She drew the Euryale, which is apparently a curse, followed by the Donjon which caused her to vanish. I went next and drew the Talon, which caused my Rod of Lordly Might, my Belt of Dwarvenkind, and my hand to disintegrate. Momma said it was supposed to make all of my magical items vanish, but since I had given him all of them before drawing, it could only dust what I had been attuned to. My second card was the Key, and a Defender sword appeared in my hand. It was a halfway decent sword, I guess, but it wasn't my Rod. I loved that thing. Maybe this stupid Deck really is out to get me.
Flimflam went next, drawing first the Comet, which didn't seem to do anything, then he drew the Sun which gave him some magical item- I'm not sure which, I wasn't paying much attention; his final card was Balance, and I don't know what they card did either.
Geophry was in the midst of drawing when Lith told him to say "yes" first. Then the little shit drew the Moon and got three wishes. Momma went next and drew the Rogue. Niles went last, drawing the Flames card.
Now that we were done, Lith told Momma she wanted to make a deal to help get Astrid back, which would require him to give her assistance once when requested. He agreed and made Geophry use a wish to get her location. Then they had to convince Flimflam to let them borrow his Staff of the Magi, so they could plane shift to her. As Momma and Geophry vanished, a thirty foot geyser of oil erupted from the floor. I was still naked, and now covered in oil, slipping and sliding all over the place. Flimflam started making lecherous comments at me, and ignored me when I reminded him I'm his sister now. I yelled at him to fix the issue, so the asshole set the oil on fire, burning up everything in the room that wasn't magical- but he somehow didn't hurt me. He then hit me in the face with a firebolt, I guess just because he could.
Momma, Astrid, and Geophry reappeared after that, to find scorch marks all over the room, and Flimflam trying to grope me with his Hand. I punched him and walked away, so he began attacking me with his Hand; I didn't want to fight him, but apparently that wasn't mutual, since the jackass kept hitting me, and managed to knock me unconscious. After Momma revived me, he punched Flimflam for being a perverted dick.
I now had no clothing, thanks to Flimflam, and no longer hand a hand. Lith let me borrow one of her dresses, and we went to the temple to get my fingers regrown. It took about two minutes, and was the most agonizing pain I've ever experienced; I almost passed out. After that we bought me new clothes.
*Author's note: Many of the events, locations and characters that occur in this story are from the Out of the Abyss Adventure Module by Wizards of the Coast. Anything with an asterisk next to it is a quote from the book.
Sajin Silvertongue, the Deep Gnome Wererat Assassin- got stoned and kissed a pretty Medusa
Yklwa, Tali's Deinonychus animal companion- devoured by corbies
Natali, the Tiger Therinthrope Beastmaster- wished herself home
Roswyn Darkshooter, the Deep Gnome Delver- grick kibble
Mezzem, the Kobold Wererat Priestess of Bahamut who plots the murder of anyone who slights her- stayed in Blingdenstone
Vadania Nailaza, the Wild Elf Oakroot of Rillifane Rallathil- dust in the wind
Thecker Powdercraft, the Deep Gnome Wererat Gunslinger and Inquisitor of Bahamut- retired in Blingdenstone
Stool, the Myconid Child- stayed in Blingdenstone
Galothel Nightbreeze, the Moon Elf Alchemist- MIA after the Battle of Blingdenstone
Topsy and Turvy Goldwhiskers, the Deep Gnome Wererat Rogue Twins- stayed in Blingdenstone
Kazul, the
Twyla Alderleaf, the Moon Elf Scout- MIA after Astrid's wish
Mithrilye, the Sun Elf Entertainer who will do anything to achieve her goals, and believes that anything that can bring her pleasure should be enjoyed immediately, not saved until later- MIA after Astrid's wish, believed to be trapped in the Abyss
Friendly Fire: 225
Party members killed: 24
Overall party members lost: 39
NOTE: Things will be mostly from Claire's perspective, anything with italics is from a third party, since the knight can't be everywhere at once.
***** The Feast of the Moon Holiday, 1489 DR (The Year of the Warrior Princess), Gauntlgrym
When everything was properly oriented again, we were standing in front of some massive gates that seemed to make up the face of a dwarf. There was some movement on the battlements above us, but it was hard to make much out. On the ground next to us were two human corpses, that appeared to have been flogged to death. Astrid said they were Fred and George, her friends from her ship, and the only ones still alive when she had escaped. Momma gathered samples from each of the so we could resurrect them later.
Flimflam, Schnella, Falkryn, Geophry, and Lith were still unconscious from the drow poison, but what mattered was they were here.
We realized that Twyla, Mithrilye, and Not-Kazul weren't with us, something had prevented Astrid's wish from bringing them with us. While I didn't really care what happened to Not-Kazul, I was worried about Twyla and Mithrilye.
Rosebud yelled at the gates and banged on them with his hammer. Someone responded, asking what we were doing there, people were supposed to be going to the upper bastion. Since we hadn't gone through any of the checkpoints that would have led us to the upper bastion, we didn't know. Before they could let us through the gates, two enormous snails landed next to us.
Frantically Rosebud slapped Schnella and Falkryn awake, while Astrid attempt to wake up Lith- but she wouldn't rise. I slapped Flimflam and the jackass wouldn't budge- of course when we need him he's napping. I hate drow poison. One of the snails lashed out tentacles at me, as if they were flails; the other did the same to Falkryn. Momma threw up a wall of fire between the snail and Flimflam, Geophry, and I, to buy me time to wake their asses up.
Rosebud pounded on the snail that was on him and Falkryn- but he also hit Falkryn once too. Astrid tried again to rouse Lith, and I tried on both Flimflam and Geophry to no avail. Momma even threw an insult at Geophry, and he still didn't wake. The snail that was behind the fire wall moved through it as if it wasn't even there, and began flailing at me, Flimflam, and Geophry- and those hits actually woke up Geophry! Flimflam ended up with a concussion and a broken leg from the beating.
Falkryn tossed her grapple at the snail on her and began to climb it- it lashed out and hit her pretty hard, she started swinging, but held tight to the rope; then she lashed at it with a silver chain. Schnella joined the assault on that snail and seemed to hurt it pretty badly, it flailed at them in response, then withdrew into its shell to hide. Rosebud began beating on the shell in rage- I think he was trying to crack it open.
From behind me, a beam of crackling blue energy came at the snail on me, but the magic seemed to vanish right in front of it. Shit. I stabbed it with my javelin, and the lightning was reflected back at me- that thing fucking hurts. I used the battleaxe function on my Rod to hack into the beast. Momma slashed his palm to use blood magic again, I heard him mutter something about waking up the others. The snail's flail slammed into Lith hard, and I heard a sickening crunch that signified it had broken something- probably a rib given the spot it hit her. Geophry began zapping Flimflam, trying hard to wake him up, but still the insane svirfneblin refused to rise.
Falkryn swung into the shell of the other one, and was probably going to finish it off. I managed to score one hit on mine through its shell, and Rosebud joined me in beating on it. Some glowing darts came flying from behind me again- likely from Astrid- and instead of going into the shell they exploded all around her. Momma attempted his blood magic again, and it again seemed to fail. The snail poked its head out and spat a rope of goo, then it swung to the gate; Rosebud and I each got a hit in before it got away.
Geophry seemed determined to wake up Flimflam, as he shoved a potion down Flimflam's throat and then slammed his head against the ground- and he still didn't rise. Rosebud took a shot at the snail, then I used my new crossbow... and it fucking jammed. Momma sprayed his blood all over our sleeping friends to set off whatever spell it was he was using to awaken everyone; the spell worked, and he collapsed. Geophry was instantly at Momma's side, pouring a potion down his throat. The one on the wall seemed dead, so we all moved to the one hiding in its shell on the ground. Then Seluna got up and asked why we were beating up dead snails.
Several dwarves emerged from the gates to confirm that the snails were dead, and asked why we didn't come in through a safer route. Momma explained to them that we had been wished here, and didn't know about the dangers lurking outside these gates. They permitted us entrance and brought us to a waiting area; a couple of minutes later we were brought food and ale.
Geophry was being bratty at me, and Momma reminded him that he had adopted me too, so Chairy pulled my hair. Little brothers are the worst sometimes. Then Geophry dared me to kick him, but I wouldn't rise to his bait- so Rosebud kicked him, and his foot got stuck to Chairy somehow.
While we waited Momma instructed Geophry to pretend he was just a chair in front of others, for his own safety. Eventually a dwarf in full plate armor came in, introducing himself as Gurnin Bloodshield, and said he was here to take our statement. Momma rambled out the story, in much less eloquence than normal, and Gurnin told us he believed us, even though a lot of our story sounded insane. Which honestly, if I hadn't lived it I'd probably think much of it was insane too. After that some of their priests came in to heal Momma, since he'd taken heavy damage trying to wake everyone up during the snail fight. Gods, even saying "snail fight" sounds insane; in Cormyr they're a delicacy, and here I am slaughtering enormous ones.
We were taken to accommodations by way of a mine cart, I was a little surprised they had one Rosebud could fit in, and on the way we were given a tour of the city- it was breathtaking. The work the ancient dwarves must have put into creating something like this was incredible; I thought Cormyrean cities were amazing, but this was like nothing I'd even seen before. When we finally arrived at our rooms they were fantastic; apparently they have rooms set up for surfacer's comforts.
Momma and Astrid went to nap, they were completely exhausted; Rosebud and Geophry decided they wanted to go shopping, and I went with them so they'd have some supervision. The jackasses took off before I could follow them, and by the time I caught up, Rosebud had purchased several magical items and was in the process of buying out a food stall. He got directions for where to find the best ale, and the shitheads took off before I could follow them.
Since I had no hope of catching up with my brothers, I went to the smith's guild to get directions to the Forge, so I could deliver the box to Dwarvenforge's kin. I got horribly lost and ended up in a mine. Instead of getting myself even more lost, I decided to help the miners in exchange for them helping me get back when they were done. For the first couple of hours I kept up with them pretty well, but by the end of the last hour I could barely lift my pickaxe. They gave me endless shit about it on the way back to my rooms.
When I got back the room was completely packed with food and booze- Rosebud had been very busy. I was so exhausted that I headed straight for bed without having anything. As I passed Momma on the way he cast a spell on me that made me slightly less miserable, but I was still barely able to stay awake long enough to get out of my armor.
***** Nightal 1, Gauntlgrym
The next morning a dwarf in robes came by to take our statement for King Bruenor, and Momma was much more awake today, so he gave them a much better report of what had happened. We were told the King would want to see us soon. They also inquired about the alcohol in our room, and Rosebud told them where he got it from; turns out it was a group of thieves who he had purchased it from, and the information he provided could lead to an arrest.
We also requested an area to put up the Tower, and there was a lot of red tape we had to get through before they'd allow us something like that. Before the dwarf left, I told them I needed to deliver something to Dwarvenforge, and he said he'd pass along the message.
After he left Momma told us he had a nightmare that Mithrilye was in the Abyss being tortured. We needed to go after her as soon as possible.
Later that day Rosebud was given a badge for helping them apprehend the criminals, which he could take to the quartermaster for a reward.
***** Nightal 2, Gauntlgrym
The next morning we were woken up to a deep gnome knocking at our door, it was Dwarvenforge's kin. I gave him the box I'd been carrying around for so long, and we placed some orders for gear from him.
We needed to get some better magic items if we were to go into the Abyss, so Astrid went to inquire about those. It turns out we have to fill out forms to purchase those types of things, and those forms were available at the quartermaster's place.
The badge Rosebud had gave him some credits and permission to buy items, but the rest of us still had to fill out the forms. I had to fill out a lengthy lineage tree, while the others had to fill out lengthy background reports. We were told they'd have our answers in the morning.
That night we all went to the tavern to blow off some steam- well, everyone except Seluna and Niles, who had barely left the kitchen since we'd arrived. When we got back to the rooms we found that they weren't completely packed with food anymore. Seluna and Niles had hidden the food to keep Flimflam from constantly eating it, which was pretty much all he'd done since it had been delivered.
***** Nightal 3. Gauntlgrym
The next morning Lily rose very early and slipped out of their rooms to get to the quartermaster the moment he opened the doors. When the quartermaster finally opened, he told Lily that Astrid had been denied, handing him a very thick folder explaining why; it all boiled down to her life of crime and piracy.
Claire had been denied as well, because the Ruin card she'd drawn had made her family declare her dead. The Thunderswords had told the quartermaster that she was most certainly dead, and if someone was there claiming to be her, it was an impostor, not the real Claire.
The quartermaster told Lily that they wouldn't be taking legal action against Claire or Astrid, but they would be keeping an eye on the two of them.
Lily, Flimflam, and Rosebud were the only ones who had been approved to purchase magic items.
Lily returned to the room and woke up everyone except Claire and Astrid to discuss what he had learned about them. Once he had talked to the others he decided to wake them up in the loudest, most obnoxious way possible.
I woke to Momma's voice booming that it was time to get up. He told us that Astrid and I had been denied permission to purchase magic items, and handed Astrid a massive folder. Momma said she had best behave herself while we're in this city.
Then he handed me a much smaller folder, and told me that according to my family I was dead. He put up the truth telling spell and had me tell him everything of my journey again; once I'd finished that he explained that the Ruin card I'd drawn from the Deck of Many Things must have been the culprit. I had to find a Fates card to undo the Ruin card in order to go home. Then Momma said that perhaps the Fates are trying to take me out, considering I drew the card that made the angel of death appear.
My entire world had just crashed around my ears. My life was over. I was no longer Lady Claire Thundersword, but merely Claire. I wanted to just crawl under a rock and die. Instead I grabbed a large bottle of liquor and began drinking. Eventually Astrid began reading her file to me, telling me stories from her criminal past; they were amusing, but didn't do anything to pull me out of the pit of despair I now found myself in.
Lily, Rosebud, and Flimflam decided to go out shopping while I drank my sorrow, I didn't care if they found me anything useful. I just wanted to cry and drink.
Lily searched for and found the black market, attempting to entice them into stealing a Deck of Many Things he'd found in the most upscale part of the markets. Shortly after he came back, there was a commotion in that area, and Lily was sure it was one of them stealing the Deck. It took them several hours to finally get out of the area, but they had made some good purchases.
After Momma got back from shopping, a messenger showed up and told us we needed to fill out a bunch of forms in order to erect the Tower. Momma tried to find some way around that, but the dwarf insisted there wasn't one. This place sucks. Its bureaucracy is worse than Cormyr's.
Momma also had a plan to steal a Deck of Many Things from some thief in the city. Of course I was in, since only a Fates card would allow me to come home. Rosebud was much father ahead of a us, and we caught up with him in the red lantern district, having far too much fun in a brothel. Momma paid them to keep him, Geophry, and Flimflam busy for a while, and suggested Astrid and I also enjoy ourselves. Since stealth isn't really my thing anyways I stayed, but I wasn't really that into it.
Lily and Lith went out on their own to the house of the man who they believed had stolen the Deck. When they arrived, they found him dead, with the deed to a keep next to him; he'd drawn the wrong card. Lith picked up the Deck, did a divination spell, moved some cards around, and drew the Star, the Vizier, and the Fates cards. Her patron had given her a mission to collect as many Fates cards as possible from the Deck, but in this draw, she took the one card Claire so desperately needed.
Eventually Momma and Lith came back to the brothel and got everyone, the boys were very unhappy to leave and whined the entire way home. When we got back to our little villa Momma produced the Deck and told us all we could draw from it. Rosebud went first, drawing the Knight, and causing a strange creature with the head of a horse attached to the hips of a halfling to appear. Apparently this is Rosebud's other half, Alfalfa; when Momma had created Rosebud he'd used the parts that were leftover to create this odd monstrosity. Rosebud's luck with the Deck didn't last though, and he drew the Ruin- which wrote him out of Lily's will.
I needed to draw, but couldn't risk losing anything else that was important to me, so I completely stripped down, gave all of my things to Momma, claiming he owned them while I drew. Astrid did the same before she drew, but that didn't seem to help her luck much. She drew the Euryale, which is apparently a curse, followed by the Donjon which caused her to vanish. I went next and drew the Talon, which caused my Rod of Lordly Might, my Belt of Dwarvenkind, and my hand to disintegrate. Momma said it was supposed to make all of my magical items vanish, but since I had given him all of them before drawing, it could only dust what I had been attuned to. My second card was the Key, and a Defender sword appeared in my hand. It was a halfway decent sword, I guess, but it wasn't my Rod. I loved that thing. Maybe this stupid Deck really is out to get me.
Flimflam went next, drawing first the Comet, which didn't seem to do anything, then he drew the Sun which gave him some magical item- I'm not sure which, I wasn't paying much attention; his final card was Balance, and I don't know what they card did either.
Geophry was in the midst of drawing when Lith told him to say "yes" first. Then the little shit drew the Moon and got three wishes. Momma went next and drew the Rogue. Niles went last, drawing the Flames card.
Now that we were done, Lith told Momma she wanted to make a deal to help get Astrid back, which would require him to give her assistance once when requested. He agreed and made Geophry use a wish to get her location. Then they had to convince Flimflam to let them borrow his Staff of the Magi, so they could plane shift to her. As Momma and Geophry vanished, a thirty foot geyser of oil erupted from the floor. I was still naked, and now covered in oil, slipping and sliding all over the place. Flimflam started making lecherous comments at me, and ignored me when I reminded him I'm his sister now. I yelled at him to fix the issue, so the asshole set the oil on fire, burning up everything in the room that wasn't magical- but he somehow didn't hurt me. He then hit me in the face with a firebolt, I guess just because he could.
Momma, Astrid, and Geophry reappeared after that, to find scorch marks all over the room, and Flimflam trying to grope me with his Hand. I punched him and walked away, so he began attacking me with his Hand; I didn't want to fight him, but apparently that wasn't mutual, since the jackass kept hitting me, and managed to knock me unconscious. After Momma revived me, he punched Flimflam for being a perverted dick.
I now had no clothing, thanks to Flimflam, and no longer hand a hand. Lith let me borrow one of her dresses, and we went to the temple to get my fingers regrown. It took about two minutes, and was the most agonizing pain I've ever experienced; I almost passed out. After that we bought me new clothes.
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| Photo from the "Gauntlgrym" novel by R.A. Salvatore |
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