For the Advancement of Science
Dramatis Personae:
Winry Steamgear, the Rock Gnome Alchemist Artificer
Bumbersnoot, Winry's Dachshund Mechanimal Construct
Mara Quinn, the Water Genasi Sea Sorceress
Steve, Quinn's Octopus familiar
Oskar Heartforge, the Shield Dwarf Priest of Moradin
Jak Foostus, the Minotaur Monk
NOTE: Things will be mostly from Winry's perspective, anything in italics is from a third party view, since the artificer can't be everywhere at once.
***** Tarsakh 10, 1489 DR (The Year of the Warrior Princess), Waterdeep
I've been in Waterdeep for a couple tendays now, looking for work to get me on my next journey, but I haven't found anything yet. I'm at my last few pieces of gold, and am starting to get desperate, my guild doesn't have any work and I haven't been able to sell any of my inventions lately to earn extra coin. I haven't even been able to find any odd jobs fixing things. I'm heading to check the job boards at the Yawning Portal for what feels like the millionth time. At this point I'd even go for being a caravan guard, because it would at least be something.
To my surprise when I check the job board, I actually find something. It's an old looking, somewhat tattered flyer that looks like it's been there for a while, though I've never seen it before today. It's advertising Professor Fizzlewick Smithson is looking to hire people to collect specimens for him, preferably alive, for the advancement of science. Halflings need not apply. It says to be there at 12 on Firstdays, which is tomorrow. I guess I'll give it a shot, I need something, and I can definitely help with the advancement of science. Hopefully I'll be able to find some new gadgets to play with while collecting these specimens.
***** Tarsakh 11, Waterdeep
I arrived at the intersection early the next morning, and of course the creepy warehouse was my destination. There was an plaque on the side that said "Smithsonian Institute, Science of Natural and Unnatural Creatures." There was also a beardless dwarf waiting, and a minotaur. I'm not going to lie, this place was hella creepy, but I knew I'd be safe, because Bumbersnoot will always protect me. I can also set them on fire if need be. Closer to 12, a water genasi, looking slightly disheveled- as if she'd overslept and run here- joined us at the corner.
At exactly 12, we heard a click, like a lock opening. The dwarf- Oskar- went in first. Stepping inside this building was like entering a whole new world. It was clean and organized, and everything looked much newer than the ratty exterior of the building. There were rows of chairs, some potted plants, an aquarium with a single fish swimming around, and a desk placed in front of a set of doors. Standing behind the desk was a Mechanical! He looked like a golem, except made of bronze. This Mechanical was a thing of beauty- and then he SPOKE! I was so enthralled by this beautiful automaton that I barely registered his words- that the Professor would be with us shortly.
I haven't perfected speech for Bumbersnoot yet, he still has a modified music box type implement that lets him bark and whine, but it still sounds so tinny and artificial. I wanted so badly to take him apart, but that would be rude, so instead I got off of Bumbersnoot, walked around the desk, and started asking him questions about his maker. Apparently this Professor Smithson made him, but he wouldn't answer any further questions of mine, and he looked creeped out. I didn't know that Mechanicals could be creeped out! It was hella cool! I need to get his schematics so I can upgrade Bumbersnoot, and maybe make him a friend. I'm sure my puppy would love a little friend!
Quinn- the genasi- said that the fish in the aquarium was a Mechanimal too, and after studying it for a minute or two, I realized it was a slightly more sophisticated version of the little windup toys I make. I could easily make this one, and I would definitely improve upon this method.
After we'd been waiting for about five or six minutes, we heard a crash and a cloud of smoke billowed out from the doors behind the Mechanical. Quinn puked in the fishbowl, and I felt a bit queasy, though I managed to keep my breakfast down. Oskar opened up the door to help get the smoke out, and the Mechanical set up a fan to force the smoke out. Then the dwarf threw his hammer at me... and I felt better? Somehow hitting me with a hammer made me not sick anymore. That's hella weird.
After a minute a rock gnome in a gas mask and full mechanic gear came out of the door, and told us we'd passed his test; apparently this is Professor Smithson. The moment we looked at each other, our eyes narrowed. He's a rival, and I knew he would try to get his grimy little paws on my designs. Jackass. He handed out contracts to each of us, and I discovered a clause in it that stated that any inventions found while working under him were his, period. I knew he wanted to steal my designs! I managed to negotiate that out of my contract, with some douchey aid from Jak- the minotaur. He insulted Bumbersnoot as a means of helping get that removed from my contract. I'd be offended, but in this case he was helping me.
Professor Smithson was tasking us with collecting specimens for him, preferably alive, for the advancement of science. He said he'd recently learned about a creature that Volo hadn't written about yet- he did not like Volo for some reason- and he needed to get his hands on it before Volo learned of it. We were going to the Crags, to Mount Kinnikinnick, or better known as White Plume Mountain. He claimed there was a metal room built into the mountain, that was only reachable through the plume, and inside was a tall, slender, bipedal, wingless, black dragon. I'm pretty sure someone is yanking his chain- probably Volo, if Volo is even aware of this little jackass. We were also told to collect any other interesting specimens we came across along the way, and he gave us each a little case with six metal balls that looked like they opened on a hinge by pressing a button; we were instructed to point the ball at whatever we wanted to capture and push the button. The specimen had to be badly wounded for this to work though. I need to take one apart! I know I can make it better than he can, and since the invention clause isn't in my contract, I can totally take this and make it cool.
Jackass had arranged passage for us on a ship to Neverwinter, and we'd have to figure out our own way to the mountain from there. Oskar started talking to Smithson about lunch, and I took the opportunity to steal his fish, leaving a broken one in its place. We had a couple hours before we had to meet the the ship, so we split up to do some shopping.
I picked up a bunch of miscellaneous parts that I may nee during the trip, you can never have too many parts after all. Especially when you have a 600 pound clockwork, steam powered dachshund to take care of. Bumbersnoot doesn't typically require much maintenance, since I built him flawlessly, but I needed to be prepared, just in case something hurt my baby.
When we had all gotten the supplies we needed, we met at the ship, and started our trip toward Neverwinter.
***** Tarsakh 13, Sea of Swords
Our trip had been blessedly peaceful thus far, aside from the storm that started rolling in tonight. I was below deck with Bumbersnoot, I wasn't letting him above deck, he'd sink instantly if he felt overboard- when suddenly the ship lurched and I was thrown into a bookshelf.
I heard someone yell "giant shark" and I ran up the stairs to the deck. Right in front of me was a sahuagin- there were a bunch of them on deck engaging the crew- so I shot this one with my Daring Sir, a little pistol I made from the designs of an ancestor, back before the Spellplague destroyed Lantan, and all of my people's wonderful work. I heard a cry from Oskar as he lost his footing, and looked over to see Jak killing one of the sahuagin.
A wave suddenly crashed onto the deck, and a sea hag was washed on board with it. Several members of the crew started screaming in terror at the hag. She glared at one and he collapsed, falling down the stairs. She cackled with glee and followed him- but unfortunately for her, Jak followed. Below deck, Bumbersnoot heard Jak beating on the hag and came to help. With a tinny bark, Critical Bumbersnoot bit the hag, pulled her down, and killed her. Jak pulled out one of the Stasis Balls he'd been given by Smithson, and trapped the hag inside it. Bumbersnoot licked the foot of the unconscious soldier, waking him up from the burn of contact with a very hot, brass, tongue.
I pulled a cymbal monkey out of my alchemist satchel and wound it up, sending it to a couple of the sahuagin, its cymbals banging louder with each step, until it reached its mark- then it clanged the cymbals together so loudly that it created a thunder effect. Unfortunately it didn't knock over either of the stupid sahuagin.
Oskar was harpooned by a merrow, and hauled overboard. The merrow bit into the dwarf's flesh, his blood drawing the attention of the giant shark, which instantly turned him into a chew toy. Oskar banished the shark and swam toward the surface, just as Quinn jumped overboard to come to the priest's aid. Smaller sharks swarmed the genasi, but she managed to get away from them- only to get harpooned by a merrow.
I pulled a beetle out of my alchemist satchel, wound it up, and sent it flying to one of the sahuagin on deck- it dodged my little bug, and the acid inside it, much easier than I would have liked. Annoyed, I shot it with my Daring Sir, and killed the damned thing. I saw Jak kill another one- there only seemed to be one more on deck. I sent an acid beetle at it, and missed, again. Apparently these things are good at sidestepping beetles. I didn't dare use an exploding mouse on the ship, the last thing we needed was for the ship to go up in flames, in the middle of the Sea of Swords, because I was careless. Jak killed that final sahuagin.
Oskar broke the surface of the water, relieved to draw a breath, and grabbed onto the rope on the side of the ship. Quinn used misty step to get to Oskar, and got hit by a marrow for her effort. Oskar struck the merrow, while Quinn pulled out her Neptunian Trident to take control of one of the smaller sharks.
With all of our foes on deck dead, Jak and I turned our attention to Oskar and Quinn. I sent a beetle to one of the merrow that was attacking them, and hit the fucker! Apparently they aren't as good at dodging beetles as sahuagin are. Jak jumped overboard. Oskar and Quinn were clinging to the ship, trying to get away before they died- I think Quinn was in pretty bad shape, I saw a burst of healing light come from Oskar, and Quinn perked up again. It was a good thing he did too, because the sharks went after the two of them again- though one of them attacked a merrow for some weird reason. A merrow harpooned Quinn and began trying to pull her under, but she clung hard to the ship. Oskar and Quinn retaliated and killed the merrow.
I sent another acid beetle to the merrow- striking it again! I saw Jak begin pounding on a merrow, while Oskar attempted to swing his hammer at one, and fumbled it up somehow. All of the sharks went right for him; I'm starting to understand why dwarves hate water so much. Quinn's trident glowed for a second, but it didn't seem to do anything. Quinn had taken control of a different shark, but she didn't announce to the party that she had control over the beast.
I melted a shark's face with one of my acid beetles! I felt much better about missing those sahuagin earlier. Jak beat on another shark, killing it- it was one of the sharks that Quinn was controlling. Quinn commanded the other one under her control to go away. One of the sharks swam away, it was probably afraid of getting its face melted by a beetle. Oskar pounded on the final shark, and Quinn finished it off.
We had a few seconds left before the giant shark would be back from Oskar's banishment, so we took our time to prepare for the fight. Jak positioned himself to be right where the shark would reappear at, so the moment it materialized, he began pounding on it. The shark bit him, and he responded by punching it some more. Quinn took command of the giant shark, without telling anyone she was planning to do this, or even could do this, and told the shark to swim to her. As it started to swim toward Quinn, I shot it and Jak punched it. Jak's hit to the shark broke Quinn's enchantment on it. It reached Quinn, who seemed unafraid of the thing. She's got to have a couple screws loose to not be afraid of even prepared to defend herself against the fucking giant shark. Needless to say, it bit her. Jak killed it and put it in one of the Stasis Balls.
Only two crew members survived the assault- the one in the crows nest and the one that had fallen below deck when the hag appeared. We'd have to help pick up some of the slack in order to make it to Neverwinter.
***** Tarsakh 14, Neverwinter
There was a messenger waiting for us when we arrived in Neverwinter. Professor Smithson had hired the Coldfire Initiative to take us to White Plume Mountain. We'd meet with them in the morning.
I went to the Tinker's Guild for the night, and ended up scoring this amazing gadget called Talkie Stones! They're similar to Sending Stones, but you can spread the 25 word limit out. They're hella cool! I need to figure out how to replicate them.
***** Tarsakh 15, Neverwinter
I met up with the others at the Coldfire Initiative first thing in the morning. We were greeted by a tall, ridiculously beautiful elf, with skin so white it's practically translucent, flowing white hair, and pale pink eyes. She introduced herself to us as Ilana Thyra and told us she had a proposition for us. Ilana told us that taking us to the mountain isn't the type the Initiative typically takes, but they already had a contract at the mountain. She told us that if we agreed to find some items and bring them back to her, the Initiative would pay us handsomely. They would also transport us directly to the mountain, so we wouldn't have to spend forever hiking it with a guide. Since it wouldn't interfere with the non-compete piece of our contract with Jackass, we agreed; we were to find a trident, a greatsword, and a warhammer.
Ilana warned us that a red dragon had been spotted in the vicinity of the mountain. I hoped we wouldn't have to fight it, I'm not sure how effective Bumbersnoot and I would be at fighting it, since we both deal in fire. She led us to a teleportation circle and said she'd get us as close to the entrance of the mountain as she could.
My vision blurred and my innards were doing back flips for the few seconds we were teleporting. As soon as my feet were under me I doubled over and puked my guts out- not literally. I don't think I've ever been as sick as I was in that instance. I used a restoration spell to fix myself up, but damn that was hella horrible.
We'd ended up about halfway up the mountain. Before we could start moving, we heard something roar in the distance, then saw a brief flash as something went zooming past the plume. It was probably the stupid dragon. We marched about 300 yards up before Oskar and Quinn spotted the entrance to the mountain. As we moved we heard another screech from the dragon as it flew by the plume again. It was circling us. Fanfuckingtastic. Oskar got sick of it circling us and used a spell to amplify his voice, taunting the dragon, who instantly stopped circling and flew toward us.
I froze in terror when the dragon got close to us- as did everyone, except Oskar. The dragon demanded to know why we were in his territory and blew a little poison cloud at us. Oskar told the dragon that we were here to collect some creatures, so the dragon should just leave us the Hells alone. The dragon laughed at our dwarf and said he saw no tithe for him to claim, but he'd let us live if we brought him the treasure from the depths of mountain. We didn't really agree, Oskar gave him a noncommittal response, but the dragon seemed to think we were agreeing and let us continue on our way.
We entered White Plume Mountain through a small chamber that had a badly rusted spiral staircase, that looked fairly sturdy; so we sent Jak down it first to see if it would hold his weight. The place smelled almost swampy- it was humid, hot, and smelled hella nasty. When we got to the bottom of the staircase, we found ourselves standing in a foot of water. I was glad I was on Bumbersnoot, I wouldn't want to be up to my waist in that nasty ass water, though I didn't like the idea of any of that nasty water messing up his gears. Quinn cast a water walking spell on us, so we wouldn't have to splash around in that gunk. Then she pulled Steve out of her bag and let him swim around in that nasty shit.
Eventually we came to an intersection, so Jak moved to peak around the corner, and slammed his face into an invisible wall. Then a gynosphinx dropped into the middle of the intersection and asked Jak if he was there for employment. After he said he wasn't, she told us we had to answer a riddle to get past her. Apparently none of us are good with riddles, so Oskar dispelled the magic wall that was keeping us back.
The gynosphinx attacked, she turned invisible and we saw blood fly from Jak as she ripped into him. Then Oskar cast a spell, but either it didn't do anything or she countered it. Jak tossed something in the direction where she'd been when she hit him, but nothing seemed to happen. More gashes appeared on Jak, from above this time. Quinn created an ice knife and sent it to the empty space above Jak, hoping that was where she was- it struck her! Then suddenly Jak was yanked into the air by the rope and grapple he'd thrown at the gynosphinx.
Bumbersnoot ran me up to the intersection, and I pulled out one of my cymbal monkies and tossed it toward the ledge above, that I could just make out. I didn't hear a thud or anything, so I don't know if it worked. The rope Jak had thrown up there was suddenly slurped up, as if it was a noodle, and the grappling hook was tossed back down to us. Then Oskar was lifted into the air by her- but Jak grabbed onto his leg- and she got them toward the top of the shaft she was in, and dropped them. Quinn sent a magic bolt up to the sphinx, but it hit Oskar in the back of the head instead... he thought the gynosphinx had shit on him.
I tossed another cymbal monkey, but again I couldn't tell if it actually did anything. Oskar tossed another rope and wrapped his arms tight around it. I saw gashes form on Oskar from the gynosphinx, and the water began splashing like nuts, until she yanked Oskar up into the shaft. Quinn walked up to the intersection and misty stepped up to him, then Jak jumped up and pulled himself onto the ledge. Bumbersnoot and I can't climb, and neither of us can really jump, so we were stuck in the empty corridor, hoping the rest of the group was okay.
Being stuck sitting and waiting while everyone else is fighting for their lives right above you seriously sucks. After a few seconds Oskar fell back down the hole, Bumbersnoot and I hurried up to the dwarf and healed him. Just as I'd finished helping him, Quinn appeared and fell face down in the water- good thing she can breathe underwater. Then Jak landed right on top of her, and his grappling hook followed, hitting him square in the head.
A frying pan followed the grappling hook, just barely missing Jak. Oskar said she'd throw the kitchen sink at us next, and she yelled in pure rage "I don't have one!" She followed the frying pan, landing on Jak and crushing him into Quinn. Bumbersnoot moved in for a bite, but just missed her. Jak was struggling beneath her, and couldn't get himself free- she dropped him.
I tossed a Stasis Ball at her, but it missed, so Bumbersnoot bit her and I slashed her with my quickrazor- we killed her! Then Oskar decided to revive her before tossing- and missing- her with another Stasis Ball. She slashed at Oskar as she moved to get up, so I tossed another ball at her and missed, but Bumbersnoot bit into her hard, distracting her enough that Oskar was able to capture her with a ball. Oskar and I revived Quinn and Jak.
We needed a rest, so the others decided that we should go up to the gynosphinx's lair to sleep. Since Bumbersnoot and I couldn't climb up there, I spent the next hour building a lift system so we could be hauled up there.
After about twenty minutes Jak- who was on watch- heard some vices below us and spotted some bugbears. Jak jumped down and crushed one of them to death, killed another one, and stunned a third. Oskar jumped down after him and killed a third one. I hit one with my acid beetle, and Quinn finished him off. We now had three dead bugbears and one dying bugbear.
Fifty minutes later Jak heard four more bugbears, and he again jumped down to kill two more, Oskar killed a third, and Quinn and I killed the fourth. If this keeps up we're never getting any fucking sleep.
An hour later, when Oskar was on watch, he heard the sloshing of oozes in the tunnel below, and one started climbing up the wall toward him. Bumbersnoot came and got me- since he doesn't require sleep he was helping Oskar keep watch. I saw Oskar slash at the ooze and Bumbersnoot got me into range to toss an exploding mouse at it- I accidentally hit Oskar too. The Quinn shot frost at it, and it moved to engulf Oskar while he attempted to hit it with his hammer. Bumbersnoot used his steam breath at the ooze and I sent another exploding mouse at it. Quinn used another ice knife and hit Oskar. Critical Bumbersnoot and I made the kill!
Twenty minutes later a group of ogres passed underneath us. Quinn was going to hide, but Bumbersnoot knocked an ear against the wall when he was peaking over, and they saw him. The ogres began climbing each other to get to us, so Critical Bumbersnoot and I killed the first one; then Quinn and Jak killed the last two. After that, we decided to be extra careful about our watches so we could actually get some fucking sleep. It's hella annoying being woken up every five fucking minutes because some stupid ass thing is passing below us.
Near the end of Quinn's watch, Steve, who was down below in the murky water, spotted some leather clad figures in the distance. Quinn decided to jump down and get her octopus, and scrambled to get herself back up there, leaving a smearing of algae on the wall up to the shaft.
My watch went peacefully. At one point Bumbersnoot and I heard some voices below, and I saw some humanoid figures in leathers below us. I don't think they saw me.
*Author's note: Many of the events, locations and characters that occur in this story are from Tales from the Yawning Portal by Wizards of the Coast.
I've been in Waterdeep for a couple tendays now, looking for work to get me on my next journey, but I haven't found anything yet. I'm at my last few pieces of gold, and am starting to get desperate, my guild doesn't have any work and I haven't been able to sell any of my inventions lately to earn extra coin. I haven't even been able to find any odd jobs fixing things. I'm heading to check the job boards at the Yawning Portal for what feels like the millionth time. At this point I'd even go for being a caravan guard, because it would at least be something.
To my surprise when I check the job board, I actually find something. It's an old looking, somewhat tattered flyer that looks like it's been there for a while, though I've never seen it before today. It's advertising Professor Fizzlewick Smithson is looking to hire people to collect specimens for him, preferably alive, for the advancement of science. Halflings need not apply. It says to be there at 12 on Firstdays, which is tomorrow. I guess I'll give it a shot, I need something, and I can definitely help with the advancement of science. Hopefully I'll be able to find some new gadgets to play with while collecting these specimens.
***** Tarsakh 11, Waterdeep
I arrived at the intersection early the next morning, and of course the creepy warehouse was my destination. There was an plaque on the side that said "Smithsonian Institute, Science of Natural and Unnatural Creatures." There was also a beardless dwarf waiting, and a minotaur. I'm not going to lie, this place was hella creepy, but I knew I'd be safe, because Bumbersnoot will always protect me. I can also set them on fire if need be. Closer to 12, a water genasi, looking slightly disheveled- as if she'd overslept and run here- joined us at the corner.
At exactly 12, we heard a click, like a lock opening. The dwarf- Oskar- went in first. Stepping inside this building was like entering a whole new world. It was clean and organized, and everything looked much newer than the ratty exterior of the building. There were rows of chairs, some potted plants, an aquarium with a single fish swimming around, and a desk placed in front of a set of doors. Standing behind the desk was a Mechanical! He looked like a golem, except made of bronze. This Mechanical was a thing of beauty- and then he SPOKE! I was so enthralled by this beautiful automaton that I barely registered his words- that the Professor would be with us shortly.
I haven't perfected speech for Bumbersnoot yet, he still has a modified music box type implement that lets him bark and whine, but it still sounds so tinny and artificial. I wanted so badly to take him apart, but that would be rude, so instead I got off of Bumbersnoot, walked around the desk, and started asking him questions about his maker. Apparently this Professor Smithson made him, but he wouldn't answer any further questions of mine, and he looked creeped out. I didn't know that Mechanicals could be creeped out! It was hella cool! I need to get his schematics so I can upgrade Bumbersnoot, and maybe make him a friend. I'm sure my puppy would love a little friend!
Quinn- the genasi- said that the fish in the aquarium was a Mechanimal too, and after studying it for a minute or two, I realized it was a slightly more sophisticated version of the little windup toys I make. I could easily make this one, and I would definitely improve upon this method.
After we'd been waiting for about five or six minutes, we heard a crash and a cloud of smoke billowed out from the doors behind the Mechanical. Quinn puked in the fishbowl, and I felt a bit queasy, though I managed to keep my breakfast down. Oskar opened up the door to help get the smoke out, and the Mechanical set up a fan to force the smoke out. Then the dwarf threw his hammer at me... and I felt better? Somehow hitting me with a hammer made me not sick anymore. That's hella weird.
After a minute a rock gnome in a gas mask and full mechanic gear came out of the door, and told us we'd passed his test; apparently this is Professor Smithson. The moment we looked at each other, our eyes narrowed. He's a rival, and I knew he would try to get his grimy little paws on my designs. Jackass. He handed out contracts to each of us, and I discovered a clause in it that stated that any inventions found while working under him were his, period. I knew he wanted to steal my designs! I managed to negotiate that out of my contract, with some douchey aid from Jak- the minotaur. He insulted Bumbersnoot as a means of helping get that removed from my contract. I'd be offended, but in this case he was helping me.
Professor Smithson was tasking us with collecting specimens for him, preferably alive, for the advancement of science. He said he'd recently learned about a creature that Volo hadn't written about yet- he did not like Volo for some reason- and he needed to get his hands on it before Volo learned of it. We were going to the Crags, to Mount Kinnikinnick, or better known as White Plume Mountain. He claimed there was a metal room built into the mountain, that was only reachable through the plume, and inside was a tall, slender, bipedal, wingless, black dragon. I'm pretty sure someone is yanking his chain- probably Volo, if Volo is even aware of this little jackass. We were also told to collect any other interesting specimens we came across along the way, and he gave us each a little case with six metal balls that looked like they opened on a hinge by pressing a button; we were instructed to point the ball at whatever we wanted to capture and push the button. The specimen had to be badly wounded for this to work though. I need to take one apart! I know I can make it better than he can, and since the invention clause isn't in my contract, I can totally take this and make it cool.
Jackass had arranged passage for us on a ship to Neverwinter, and we'd have to figure out our own way to the mountain from there. Oskar started talking to Smithson about lunch, and I took the opportunity to steal his fish, leaving a broken one in its place. We had a couple hours before we had to meet the the ship, so we split up to do some shopping.
I picked up a bunch of miscellaneous parts that I may nee during the trip, you can never have too many parts after all. Especially when you have a 600 pound clockwork, steam powered dachshund to take care of. Bumbersnoot doesn't typically require much maintenance, since I built him flawlessly, but I needed to be prepared, just in case something hurt my baby.
When we had all gotten the supplies we needed, we met at the ship, and started our trip toward Neverwinter.
***** Tarsakh 13, Sea of Swords
Our trip had been blessedly peaceful thus far, aside from the storm that started rolling in tonight. I was below deck with Bumbersnoot, I wasn't letting him above deck, he'd sink instantly if he felt overboard- when suddenly the ship lurched and I was thrown into a bookshelf.
I heard someone yell "giant shark" and I ran up the stairs to the deck. Right in front of me was a sahuagin- there were a bunch of them on deck engaging the crew- so I shot this one with my Daring Sir, a little pistol I made from the designs of an ancestor, back before the Spellplague destroyed Lantan, and all of my people's wonderful work. I heard a cry from Oskar as he lost his footing, and looked over to see Jak killing one of the sahuagin.
A wave suddenly crashed onto the deck, and a sea hag was washed on board with it. Several members of the crew started screaming in terror at the hag. She glared at one and he collapsed, falling down the stairs. She cackled with glee and followed him- but unfortunately for her, Jak followed. Below deck, Bumbersnoot heard Jak beating on the hag and came to help. With a tinny bark, Critical Bumbersnoot bit the hag, pulled her down, and killed her. Jak pulled out one of the Stasis Balls he'd been given by Smithson, and trapped the hag inside it. Bumbersnoot licked the foot of the unconscious soldier, waking him up from the burn of contact with a very hot, brass, tongue.
I pulled a cymbal monkey out of my alchemist satchel and wound it up, sending it to a couple of the sahuagin, its cymbals banging louder with each step, until it reached its mark- then it clanged the cymbals together so loudly that it created a thunder effect. Unfortunately it didn't knock over either of the stupid sahuagin.
Oskar was harpooned by a merrow, and hauled overboard. The merrow bit into the dwarf's flesh, his blood drawing the attention of the giant shark, which instantly turned him into a chew toy. Oskar banished the shark and swam toward the surface, just as Quinn jumped overboard to come to the priest's aid. Smaller sharks swarmed the genasi, but she managed to get away from them- only to get harpooned by a merrow.
I pulled a beetle out of my alchemist satchel, wound it up, and sent it flying to one of the sahuagin on deck- it dodged my little bug, and the acid inside it, much easier than I would have liked. Annoyed, I shot it with my Daring Sir, and killed the damned thing. I saw Jak kill another one- there only seemed to be one more on deck. I sent an acid beetle at it, and missed, again. Apparently these things are good at sidestepping beetles. I didn't dare use an exploding mouse on the ship, the last thing we needed was for the ship to go up in flames, in the middle of the Sea of Swords, because I was careless. Jak killed that final sahuagin.
Oskar broke the surface of the water, relieved to draw a breath, and grabbed onto the rope on the side of the ship. Quinn used misty step to get to Oskar, and got hit by a marrow for her effort. Oskar struck the merrow, while Quinn pulled out her Neptunian Trident to take control of one of the smaller sharks.
With all of our foes on deck dead, Jak and I turned our attention to Oskar and Quinn. I sent a beetle to one of the merrow that was attacking them, and hit the fucker! Apparently they aren't as good at dodging beetles as sahuagin are. Jak jumped overboard. Oskar and Quinn were clinging to the ship, trying to get away before they died- I think Quinn was in pretty bad shape, I saw a burst of healing light come from Oskar, and Quinn perked up again. It was a good thing he did too, because the sharks went after the two of them again- though one of them attacked a merrow for some weird reason. A merrow harpooned Quinn and began trying to pull her under, but she clung hard to the ship. Oskar and Quinn retaliated and killed the merrow.
I sent another acid beetle to the merrow- striking it again! I saw Jak begin pounding on a merrow, while Oskar attempted to swing his hammer at one, and fumbled it up somehow. All of the sharks went right for him; I'm starting to understand why dwarves hate water so much. Quinn's trident glowed for a second, but it didn't seem to do anything. Quinn had taken control of a different shark, but she didn't announce to the party that she had control over the beast.
I melted a shark's face with one of my acid beetles! I felt much better about missing those sahuagin earlier. Jak beat on another shark, killing it- it was one of the sharks that Quinn was controlling. Quinn commanded the other one under her control to go away. One of the sharks swam away, it was probably afraid of getting its face melted by a beetle. Oskar pounded on the final shark, and Quinn finished it off.
We had a few seconds left before the giant shark would be back from Oskar's banishment, so we took our time to prepare for the fight. Jak positioned himself to be right where the shark would reappear at, so the moment it materialized, he began pounding on it. The shark bit him, and he responded by punching it some more. Quinn took command of the giant shark, without telling anyone she was planning to do this, or even could do this, and told the shark to swim to her. As it started to swim toward Quinn, I shot it and Jak punched it. Jak's hit to the shark broke Quinn's enchantment on it. It reached Quinn, who seemed unafraid of the thing. She's got to have a couple screws loose to not be afraid of even prepared to defend herself against the fucking giant shark. Needless to say, it bit her. Jak killed it and put it in one of the Stasis Balls.
Only two crew members survived the assault- the one in the crows nest and the one that had fallen below deck when the hag appeared. We'd have to help pick up some of the slack in order to make it to Neverwinter.
***** Tarsakh 14, Neverwinter
There was a messenger waiting for us when we arrived in Neverwinter. Professor Smithson had hired the Coldfire Initiative to take us to White Plume Mountain. We'd meet with them in the morning.
I went to the Tinker's Guild for the night, and ended up scoring this amazing gadget called Talkie Stones! They're similar to Sending Stones, but you can spread the 25 word limit out. They're hella cool! I need to figure out how to replicate them.
***** Tarsakh 15, Neverwinter
I met up with the others at the Coldfire Initiative first thing in the morning. We were greeted by a tall, ridiculously beautiful elf, with skin so white it's practically translucent, flowing white hair, and pale pink eyes. She introduced herself to us as Ilana Thyra and told us she had a proposition for us. Ilana told us that taking us to the mountain isn't the type the Initiative typically takes, but they already had a contract at the mountain. She told us that if we agreed to find some items and bring them back to her, the Initiative would pay us handsomely. They would also transport us directly to the mountain, so we wouldn't have to spend forever hiking it with a guide. Since it wouldn't interfere with the non-compete piece of our contract with Jackass, we agreed; we were to find a trident, a greatsword, and a warhammer.
Ilana warned us that a red dragon had been spotted in the vicinity of the mountain. I hoped we wouldn't have to fight it, I'm not sure how effective Bumbersnoot and I would be at fighting it, since we both deal in fire. She led us to a teleportation circle and said she'd get us as close to the entrance of the mountain as she could.
My vision blurred and my innards were doing back flips for the few seconds we were teleporting. As soon as my feet were under me I doubled over and puked my guts out- not literally. I don't think I've ever been as sick as I was in that instance. I used a restoration spell to fix myself up, but damn that was hella horrible.
We'd ended up about halfway up the mountain. Before we could start moving, we heard something roar in the distance, then saw a brief flash as something went zooming past the plume. It was probably the stupid dragon. We marched about 300 yards up before Oskar and Quinn spotted the entrance to the mountain. As we moved we heard another screech from the dragon as it flew by the plume again. It was circling us. Fanfuckingtastic. Oskar got sick of it circling us and used a spell to amplify his voice, taunting the dragon, who instantly stopped circling and flew toward us.
I froze in terror when the dragon got close to us- as did everyone, except Oskar. The dragon demanded to know why we were in his territory and blew a little poison cloud at us. Oskar told the dragon that we were here to collect some creatures, so the dragon should just leave us the Hells alone. The dragon laughed at our dwarf and said he saw no tithe for him to claim, but he'd let us live if we brought him the treasure from the depths of mountain. We didn't really agree, Oskar gave him a noncommittal response, but the dragon seemed to think we were agreeing and let us continue on our way.
We entered White Plume Mountain through a small chamber that had a badly rusted spiral staircase, that looked fairly sturdy; so we sent Jak down it first to see if it would hold his weight. The place smelled almost swampy- it was humid, hot, and smelled hella nasty. When we got to the bottom of the staircase, we found ourselves standing in a foot of water. I was glad I was on Bumbersnoot, I wouldn't want to be up to my waist in that nasty ass water, though I didn't like the idea of any of that nasty water messing up his gears. Quinn cast a water walking spell on us, so we wouldn't have to splash around in that gunk. Then she pulled Steve out of her bag and let him swim around in that nasty shit.
Eventually we came to an intersection, so Jak moved to peak around the corner, and slammed his face into an invisible wall. Then a gynosphinx dropped into the middle of the intersection and asked Jak if he was there for employment. After he said he wasn't, she told us we had to answer a riddle to get past her. Apparently none of us are good with riddles, so Oskar dispelled the magic wall that was keeping us back.
The gynosphinx attacked, she turned invisible and we saw blood fly from Jak as she ripped into him. Then Oskar cast a spell, but either it didn't do anything or she countered it. Jak tossed something in the direction where she'd been when she hit him, but nothing seemed to happen. More gashes appeared on Jak, from above this time. Quinn created an ice knife and sent it to the empty space above Jak, hoping that was where she was- it struck her! Then suddenly Jak was yanked into the air by the rope and grapple he'd thrown at the gynosphinx.
Bumbersnoot ran me up to the intersection, and I pulled out one of my cymbal monkies and tossed it toward the ledge above, that I could just make out. I didn't hear a thud or anything, so I don't know if it worked. The rope Jak had thrown up there was suddenly slurped up, as if it was a noodle, and the grappling hook was tossed back down to us. Then Oskar was lifted into the air by her- but Jak grabbed onto his leg- and she got them toward the top of the shaft she was in, and dropped them. Quinn sent a magic bolt up to the sphinx, but it hit Oskar in the back of the head instead... he thought the gynosphinx had shit on him.
I tossed another cymbal monkey, but again I couldn't tell if it actually did anything. Oskar tossed another rope and wrapped his arms tight around it. I saw gashes form on Oskar from the gynosphinx, and the water began splashing like nuts, until she yanked Oskar up into the shaft. Quinn walked up to the intersection and misty stepped up to him, then Jak jumped up and pulled himself onto the ledge. Bumbersnoot and I can't climb, and neither of us can really jump, so we were stuck in the empty corridor, hoping the rest of the group was okay.
Being stuck sitting and waiting while everyone else is fighting for their lives right above you seriously sucks. After a few seconds Oskar fell back down the hole, Bumbersnoot and I hurried up to the dwarf and healed him. Just as I'd finished helping him, Quinn appeared and fell face down in the water- good thing she can breathe underwater. Then Jak landed right on top of her, and his grappling hook followed, hitting him square in the head.
A frying pan followed the grappling hook, just barely missing Jak. Oskar said she'd throw the kitchen sink at us next, and she yelled in pure rage "I don't have one!" She followed the frying pan, landing on Jak and crushing him into Quinn. Bumbersnoot moved in for a bite, but just missed her. Jak was struggling beneath her, and couldn't get himself free- she dropped him.
I tossed a Stasis Ball at her, but it missed, so Bumbersnoot bit her and I slashed her with my quickrazor- we killed her! Then Oskar decided to revive her before tossing- and missing- her with another Stasis Ball. She slashed at Oskar as she moved to get up, so I tossed another ball at her and missed, but Bumbersnoot bit into her hard, distracting her enough that Oskar was able to capture her with a ball. Oskar and I revived Quinn and Jak.
We needed a rest, so the others decided that we should go up to the gynosphinx's lair to sleep. Since Bumbersnoot and I couldn't climb up there, I spent the next hour building a lift system so we could be hauled up there.
After about twenty minutes Jak- who was on watch- heard some vices below us and spotted some bugbears. Jak jumped down and crushed one of them to death, killed another one, and stunned a third. Oskar jumped down after him and killed a third one. I hit one with my acid beetle, and Quinn finished him off. We now had three dead bugbears and one dying bugbear.
Fifty minutes later Jak heard four more bugbears, and he again jumped down to kill two more, Oskar killed a third, and Quinn and I killed the fourth. If this keeps up we're never getting any fucking sleep.
An hour later, when Oskar was on watch, he heard the sloshing of oozes in the tunnel below, and one started climbing up the wall toward him. Bumbersnoot came and got me- since he doesn't require sleep he was helping Oskar keep watch. I saw Oskar slash at the ooze and Bumbersnoot got me into range to toss an exploding mouse at it- I accidentally hit Oskar too. The Quinn shot frost at it, and it moved to engulf Oskar while he attempted to hit it with his hammer. Bumbersnoot used his steam breath at the ooze and I sent another exploding mouse at it. Quinn used another ice knife and hit Oskar. Critical Bumbersnoot and I made the kill!
Twenty minutes later a group of ogres passed underneath us. Quinn was going to hide, but Bumbersnoot knocked an ear against the wall when he was peaking over, and they saw him. The ogres began climbing each other to get to us, so Critical Bumbersnoot and I killed the first one; then Quinn and Jak killed the last two. After that, we decided to be extra careful about our watches so we could actually get some fucking sleep. It's hella annoying being woken up every five fucking minutes because some stupid ass thing is passing below us.
Near the end of Quinn's watch, Steve, who was down below in the murky water, spotted some leather clad figures in the distance. Quinn decided to jump down and get her octopus, and scrambled to get herself back up there, leaving a smearing of algae on the wall up to the shaft.
My watch went peacefully. At one point Bumbersnoot and I heard some voices below, and I saw some humanoid figures in leathers below us. I don't think they saw me.
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| Photo from Tales of the Yawning Portal by Wizards of the Coast |
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| Map from "Tales from the Yawning Portal" by Wizards of the Coast |
